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Human life is about relationships – of all kinds, between parents and children, siblings, spouses and others. Of course, the one between spouses is what forms the basis of human civilization and makes it grow. Spousal relationships may suffer from all kinds of imperfections, with every couple facing its unique challenges. Yet, some couples flourish while others tend to flounder. The truth is that happy relationships do not happen by chance; they need to be worked on.

Human habits exert a powerful impact on a relationship, more so in a conjugal relationship. You can foster positive or negative habits and once you begin to practice them, they eventually become an unconscious act. Certain habits can have a powerful, positive impact on a relationship. Therefore, it’s important to be conscious about creating routines in a relationship. Of course, to make a habit second nature, you’ll need to make efforts to practice them daily for about 21 days.  

I, being a life coach, often get to handle many cases involving troubled marriages. Therefore, I genuinely believe that marriage counselling should be taken much more seriously by would-be partners so that they truly understand what it takes to build a long-term, happy partnership. The sad fact is that in our society, most parents believe that people automatically learn the art of living conjugal life successfully. They do not!

As a life coach, I take them through the changes that are inevitable post-marriage and also expose them to the many adjustments they need to make. Many of the ideas about marriage harboured by would-be partners obviously come from the media, movies, literature etc. and are obviously distorted. And when their romantic, utopian notions conflict with hard realities, they feel jolted out of slumber.  Effective marriage counseling can help avert such accidents by sensitizing the partners to what they should realistically expect and the adjustments they need to do to make a success of their marriage.  

12 Habits To Keep Your Relationships Strong

Here’s on to my Top 12 List of the habits happy, healthy couples practice:

1. Show respect in your relationship

Anyone giving you relationship advice will tell you that showing respect is essential to a happy, healthy and durable relationship. Expressing respect equals showing love, acceptance, and warmth and conversely, your disrespect expresses the lack of acceptance for your partner on your part. Respecting a person is all about valuing them, including the differences and the imperfections they have. Your having a different outlook towards life doesn’t mean that you should disrespect your partner. Even to change the other one’s perspective, you need to accept it first.

Disagreements between marital partners are natural. But make sure that you respect your partner’s point of view and do not disrespect him/her publicly or in front of friends and family. Handling differences can make all the difference to your relationship.

2. Praise publicly

During marriage counseling, this is one of the best pieces of relationship advice I could give anyone. Who doesn’t like to be showered with compliments? Praising your spouse before others will help deepen your relationship. Contrarily, criticizing your partner will only build a wall between the two of you. Always arguing and criticizing each other in public eventually destroys a relationship by creating mistrust and lack of connect and respect. So, make it a habit to express your spouse’s positive attributes to others to foster mutual admiration, fondness and love.

3. Appreciate daily

Healthy relationships work on positivity, intimacy and mutual connect. But its expression doesn’t have to be elaborate; just being sincere is enough. In my life coaching practice, I have encountered several such couples seeking relationship advice, who often complain of not being appreciated by their partners. Remember, we all love to be validated by our partners and expressing gratitude regularly goes a long mile in this direction.

Appreciate your partner any which way. Do it daily. It could be as simple as leaving a love note before leaving for work or bringing home flowers in the evening. You just need to find out your partner’s love language and express your appreciation in that language. If your partner loves quality time with you, “turn off” and focus your attention on your partner. Whichever love language your spouse speaks, try to speak the same language.

4. Accept in totality

YES! Mutual acceptance of each other- including their friends, families, imperfections, eccentricities, everything – is the key here. Your mother-in-law may irk you by repeatedly asking you about your oh-so-long-awaited pregnancy. Or your hubby’s best friend may be fond of cracking his favourite poor jokes on every occasion. It’s natural to get annoyed with our partner’s friends and family. But a happy couple also recognizes that it’s best to just smile and let it pass in the interest of their relationship (Except when the friend/relative is a toxic person.)

5. Fight Fairly

No exceptions here! Every couple disagrees and argues but sometimes it happens more often than we want it to. But regular disagreements do not always indicate an unhealthy relationship. Rather, how the challenges are handled by the couple determines its health.

My relationship advice – while fighting, try to stay away from the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse – criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling as they all are proven to diminish the durability of relationships.

• Criticism

Criticizing your partner is different from offering a critique or complaining. Critiques and complaints are about specific issues, while criticism amounts to a personal attack at the core of one’s character.

Complaint: “You should’ve called me to tell that you were getting late. Did you forget that we had agreed on that last time?”

Criticism: “You are just being so selfish, you aren’t forgetful; rather, you never think of others! You never think of me!”

As you can see, the criticism above tends to be very sweeping, generic and over-stretched to the point of painting the entire person black. Such pervasive criticism leads to other, far deadlier horsemen and makes its victim feel rejected and hurt. It often makes both fall into an escalating pattern of greater frequency and intensity, ultimately resulting in contempt.

• Contempt

Contempt is the single greatest predictor of a divorce between partners. Contempt attacks the other one’s character using a position of moral superiority. And we are truly mean while using contempt and treat others disrespectfully. We shower sarcasm, ridicule, and abuses to make the other one feel despised and worthless:

“So you’re ‘tired?’ And me? I’ve been with the kids all day, working like mad. And all you do in the evening is slouch back on the sofa and watch that stupid TV. Can you be any more pathetic?”

Often, such contempt is fuelled by long-simmering negative thoughts about the partner, which show up when the perpetrator attacks others. It’s much better to open up more frequently with specific grievances instead of exploding in flashes to destroy a relationship.

• Defensiveness

Defensiveness is typically a response to some criticism. Feeling unjustly accused, we look for excuses and try to play the innocent victim. But the strategy almost never succeeds as our excuses tell our partner that we don’t take their concerns seriously and that we won’t take responsibility.

Question: “Did you call Rahul and Bela that we’re not coming tonight as you had promised me this morning?”

Defensive reply: “Oh! I was just too busy. You know how busy my schedule is these days. Why didn’t you do it?”

The partner not only responds defensively, but also projects the blame on the other partner. Instead, a non-defensive response could be accepting responsibility and understanding the partner’s perspective:

“Oops, forgot it! I should’ve asked you to do it as I knew the day would be packed. My mistake. Let me call them right now.”

• Stonewalling

Stonewalling occurs when the listener withdraws from the interaction, shuts down, and simply stops responding to the situation. Rather than confronting the issue, stonewallers can tune out, turn away, act busy, or engage in obsessive or distracting behaviors.

Stonewalling frequently becomes a bad habit and is difficult to stop. Stonewalling comes from feeling physiologically flooded, and we may not even be in a state to talk out things rationally. It’s much better to say:

 “I’m feeling too angry to keep talking. Can we take a break and return in a bit? It’ll be easier to work through once I’ve calmed down.”

Take 20 minutes to do something alone that soothes you. Read a book/magazine, take a walk, run and return to the conversation once you feel ready.

6. Ask for it

“Had he truly loved me, he’d known what I really need.”

“I shouldn’t have to ask for this.”

“She should know about the wrong she did to me.”

These typical expressions show how misguided we can be. Remember, your partner is not a mind reader. Each one of us sees the world differently, has different expectations and experiences. It’s YOUR responsibility to communicate to the partner about what you truly want – your thoughts, needs, and feelings. And sometimes, you may have to repeat it many times.

Couples in a healthy relationship do not work on assumptions; rather, they make it a habit to ask for what they need from each other and make space for them. Happy couples talk about their desires openly and respect and honour their mutual differences.

7. Fix boundaries

Every healthy relationship has some boundaries fixed in it. Boundaries set the space between where your domain ends and another person’s begins. Healthy couples talk about and respect mutual boundaries – emotional boundaries (how much time to spend together vs. apart), physical boundaries (touch, sex), financial and digital boundaries (postings about the relationship, following each others’ friends on social media) to ensure that their needs are being met safely.

8. Forgive, forget and move on

A relationship runs on forgiveness and can’t survive without it. Therefore, learning how to sincerely apologize and forgive is crucial to peaceful existence and a strong relationship. An apology isn’t designed to crush a fight. Rather, it’s a sincere attempt to overcome an issue as a team and move on. Happy couples choose to be happy rather than being right and very often, doing so requires a sincere apology.

Don’t offer a qualified apology (“I’m sorry, but…”).

Rather, take the responsibility (“I’m sorry because I…”).

There are some folks who are more of grievance boxes. They hold on to every relational sin committed by their partner and bring them out at the time of big arguments:

“You had forgotten my birthday 20 years ago”

“You had run short of cash on our third date”

These statements are certainly not a mark of constructive conversation in any case.

Healthy couples express the feeling of hurt, do whatever they can to ensure it doesn’t recur,  accept the apology, and let go.

9. Communicate Regularly

A good part of the modern relationship advice is centred around talking regularly and updating your partner on your life and happenings, howsoever mundane some of them may seem. To make it even more enjoyable, send pictures, audio clips and short videos to make the other one feel loved and included.

Talk about the positive things in your life e.g. a new project you began working on, an exciting job offer, a trip you’re planning with your besties. Talking about your anxiety disorder or the job dissatisfaction is no fun but is important, nevertheless. Such conversations bring you closer to each other. Such couples feel that their distress is seen and heard, their bond strengthens and they become more resilient, leading to overall happiness.

Sexual desire is the glue that keeps both parties from drifting apart. In sexual matters too, communication can keep the fire burning much longer. Keep the flames burning bright by sending each other teasing text messages with sexual innuendos and emojis and communicating about what turns you on and gives pleasure.  

10. Stay honest

Honesty and openness are the bedrock of any conjugal relationship. So, talk to your partner about your fears, insecurities, jealousies, apathy and other feelings. If you try to hide anything, it will sooner or later swallow you up from the inside out. Be open and honest and let your partner give you the support you need. It’s better to ferret out the problem in its initial stages than to only disclose it when it’s too late.

11. Two to tango

The division of labour between the spouses is the topmost complaint couples bring with them. In my opinion, very few things create as much resentment between partners as one of them feeling like a housekeeper for the other. Healthy couples make it a priority to do chores together. One of them may hate doing dishes, while the other one may not like making the bed. Discuss how you can divide your tasks and then rally together to get them done. Doing them together creates trust, closeness, and keeps resentment away.

Similarly, you can play a game, watch a YouTube video or listen to a song together. You just have to be creative and spontaneous about it. Recommend books, TV shows, movies, music, news etc. to each other to have more common topics to talk about. This is especially useful if you are living apart from each other or have a long distance marriage due to some compulsions.

It helps to know when the other person is busy so that you can drop a message or call at the right time. Obviously, you wouldn’t want to disturb your partner in the middle of a class or a meeting. Make sure you are aware of small and big events in their lives.
Keep each other updated on respective friends and families. Talking about family and friends gives you more stuff to talk about later, may be even gossip or scandals.

12. Enjoy the difference

Initially, you may believe that you and your partner have got so much in common: both are introverts, aren’t party animals and love watching movies at home. But with time, it becomes clear that though similar in some ways, you’re definitely not the same person. These differences keep things interesting and help you grow.

Many couples have this unrealistic expectation that they both should have the same hobbies, the same opinions and the same tastes in politics, food, cinema etc.. If they don’t, they feel alone or abandoned. In contrast, happy couples appreciate their partner’s different tastes and responses and respect them:

‘What? You liked that actor in the play? I’m so curious to know what made you like him. I feel exactly the opposite.’”

So, learn to respect diversity and also learn how to agree to disagree on certain points to enjoy conjugal bliss.

So finally, you are settling in life with your dream partner and are eyeing to live a happily-ever-after dream, as the twinkle in your eyes says.  Wish it could come true! But the fact is, and you’ll find it yourself very soon, that all marriages go through challenges and problems, no matter what. The secret to a healthy, thriving relationship lies in your ability to overcome these problems. If you turn your back on your relationship when you face marital issues, it will fall into despair very quickly. On the other hand, taking these marital problems head on will make your relationship healthier and you more resilient.

As a life coach, a bulk of my work comprises dealing with cases of marriage and family counseling. And I can say with confidence that you need to work on every relationship, including marriage, to make them work.

Top 10 Marriage Problems and Solutions

1. Poor Communication

The mother of all marriage problems! Perhaps the biggest predictor of marriage problems is poor communication or negative communication that belies the damaging attitudes and dynamics within a marital relationship. Remember, regular, effective communication is the secret to a lasting marital relationship. Many marriages fail just because the partners drift apart as the stress of their daily lives exacts a toll on the quality of their marriage, their communication stops and instead of resolving their issues, the partners prefer to end their marriage. The fact is: communication in a marriage is more important than love and those who know this reality also know how to preserve it.

Those dealing in marriage counselling services recognize well that there are couples, who do keep the channel of communication open, but in a very perverted way i.e. always yelling, howling, mud-slinging, blaming and pestering. Such negative communication is extremely damaging, in fact, it is a reliable precursor to an ultimate divorce between the two. Psychologists say that it is possible to predict with great certainty which newlywed couples would later divorce, based on a study of their communication patterns for a few minutes. So for a healthy and happy marriage, keep the lines of positive, healthy, constructive communication open. Have an open chat about the issues you are having so that you can resolve them together. If you try to just sweep it under the carpet, it will only worsen into something more serious.

 Solution:

1. Experts on marriage problems and solutions suggest that you set up some rules. Try not to interrupt until your partner is through with their speaking and ban phrases such as “You always …” or “You never ….” Put the cell phones on the vibration mode, put the kids to bed, and let voice mail pick up your calls.
2. Use your body language to show that you’re listening. Also, you can’t communicate while you are doodling, looking at your watch, picking at your nails, checking your mobile, watching TV, or flipping through the sports section of the day’s newspaper.
3. Give a frequent nod so that the other one knows you’re indeed getting the message and rephrase your message, should you need to do so. For instance, say, “What I get is that you feel as if you have more chores at home, though we’re both working.” If you’re right, the other one can confirm it.

What Matters Most When You Want to Save a Marriage?

2. “Trust” those marriage counselling services

The lack of trust has killed many a relationship as trust is a key part of any relationship. Do you see certain things in your partner that cause you not to trust them? Do you have some unresolved issues that keep  you from trusting others? If your answer is yes, it may be the right time to resolve them for a happy marred life. You can foster trust  with the following these tips given by some experts on marriage problems and solutions:

1. Be consistent in your dealings.
2. Be on time for everything.
3. Do what you say you’ll do.
4. Don’t tell a lie — not even little white lies to your partner or to others.
5. Be fair, even while arguing.

3. Money

The stress of fighting over money is one of the most commonly cited marital problems the couples face. But experts on marriage problems and solutions opine that in general, the couples’ money disputes are symbolic of something else i.e. a struggle for power and control, different values and needs, or other issues surrounding money.

However, during tough times, financial stress can create more stress and more conflict over money-related things and money-centered arguments. For example, an extremely money-stressed partner may be less patient and may pick fights about unrelated things without even realizing it.

In some cases, money problems can begin even before the wedding vows are exchanged. They may stem, for example, from courtship expenses or from high wedding costs. The couples who face money woes need to have a serious conversation about finances.

Solution

1. Follow the formula Savings first, Expenses next. It works!
2. You need to be honest about your current finances. If the situation has worsened beyond a point, keeping up the same lifestyle is quite unrealistic.
3. Don’t talk about it in the heat of a verbal battle. Much better to set aside a convenient and non-threatening time for such a serious issue.
4. Very often, one spouse happens to be a spendthrift while the other one is a big saver – an explosive combo, indeed. Try to acknowledge that there are benefits to both styles, and agree to learn from each other’s tendencies.
5. Don’t hide your income or debt. Keep financial documents, including the recent credit report, pay slip, bank statements, insurance policies, debts, and investments open to both the parties.
6. Don’t indulge in a blame game with your partner.
7. Agree to make a joint budget that incorporates savings.
8. Decide on who will be paying the monthly bills.
9. Allow each one some money to be spent at their discretion.
10. Try to have an agreement on short-term and long-term financial goals. It’s okay to have individual goals, but you should have family goals, too.
11. Talk about caring for your parents as they age and how to plan for their needs.

4. Not Tonight, Honey

Experts in marriage counselling services emphasize that while busy schedules don’t automatically create marital problems, they do present a challenge, which needs to be worked through. Marriage problems result from overly busy schedules for a few reasons. Busy couples are often stressed out, especially if they’re not having quality sleep and good nutrition. Such couples may feel mutually less connected as they have less time to spend together and have more separateness in their lives. They may not work together as a team and may fight over who will tend to which household and social responsibilities.

Solution:

1. Talk it out and acknowledge there is a real problem that needs a solution.
2. Be ready to accommodate each other and their unique, special circumstances and needs.
3. Plan special events together on weekends: movies, games, plays, picnics and the like to compensate for the lack of regular togetherness.
4. Leave behind your phones and take out “we” time every three or six months and go to a quiet resort to reignite the spark in your relationship

5. Sex

Life coaches emphasize that sexual mismatch (in terms of sexual interest or disinterest, relative frequency and the importance given to it)) can be the root of many other relationship problems. And a lack of sexual self-awareness and education can worsen them. But having sex is the last thing you should give up as it brings you closer together, releases bodily hormones to help in creating a chemistry and biology typical of a healthy couple.

Solution:

3. (Plan)3 and (talk) 3.
4. Ask friends or family to take your kids every other Friday night for a sleepover.
5. Changing the scene and the timing a bit can make it more fun. Try to learn what turns you and your partner on.
6. If your sexual relationship problems can’t be resolved on your own, consult a qualified sex therapist to help you address and resolve them.

6. Home Chores

A good enough number of partners work outside the home. With it come more hours of work, feeling of tiredness and stress. So it’s important to divide the labor of doing the household chores in  affair and equitable manner.

Solution

1. You need to be organized and clear about your respective jobs at home. List down all the tasks and agree on who will do what. But try to be fair to avoid any resentment.
2. Be open to finding other solutions. If you both hate doing household work, you may consider outsourcing it to a professional service provider but if one of you likes to do the cleaning and mopping, the other one can do the laundry and the dishes.
3. You can be creative and take preferences into account — as long as it feels fair.

7. Ignoring the Relationship

Making your relationship a focal point should not end with the “I do” uttered while tying the nuptial knot. In general, relationships lose their luster over time. So try to make yours a priority to keep the spark intact.

 Solution:

1. Try to do things you used to do while dating e.g.  appreciation, complimenting, contacting each other and showing interest.
2. Schedule your “we time” on the calendar as you would any other important event.
3. Respect each other and don’t forget to say “thank you,” “I appreciate…” to  let your partner know that they matter.

8. Conflict

Occasional conflicts are a part and parcel of marital life. Period. But if you feel like you’re starring in your own version of an action movie i.e. the same lousy situations keep repeating, it’s time to break this toxic routine. By making an effort, you can reduce your anger and look calmly at the underlying issues.

Solution

1. Marriage and family counseling experts suggest arguing about an issue in a more civil, helpful manner. Make these strategies part of your being.
2. Realize that you are not a victim of anything as it’s your choice whether you react or not and how you do it.
3. Ask yourself honestly- When you’re arguing, are your comments focused on resolving the conflict or are you looking to settle the scores or get some brownie points? If your comments blame and hurt, it’s best to take a deep breath and change the strategy.
4. If you keep responding in the ways that gave you pain in the past, you can’t expect a different result this time. Make a little shift for a big difference. If you usually jump in to defend yourself before your partner has finished speaking, wait for some moments to be surprised over how this small shift can change the whole tone of an argument.
5. Yield a little to get a lot. Apologize if you’re wrong. It’s tough, but just give it a try and watch out for something wonderful to happen.
6. You can’t control anyone else’s behavior as the only one in your charge is just you. Change that YOU.

9. Bad Habits

Sometimes, couples face marital problems that could be solved if the two could try to identify their bad habits and change them. The fact is that people hardly ever make a conscious decision to argue over petty things, nag and be critical of others, or leave their personal messes for the other to clean. Rather, they get busy or distracted, build up stress inside and go on an autopilot mode. Then they find themselves following the same patterns they hadn’t realized while choosing in the first place.

10. Not expressing constructively

While arguing with your spouse, it can be very easy to let emotions take you over with their intensity. Consequently, you could say many hurtful things that would only worsen the problem instead of fixing it. Try to avoid this kind of route as far as possible.

At the time of discussing your marital problems, focus on being a constructive problem-solver. While at it, it is important to stay on the topic in hand and take care not to bring up previous issues. It’s no use talking of the coffee spilt often by your husband in the mornings if the issue in hand is why he gets home late in the evenings.   

11. Not taking take decisions together

While resolving marital conflicts, you have to approach them together and decide on the best solution as a unit, as a couple. One spouse cannot become authoritarian and make decisions on behalf of both of you. With collective decision-making, you know that you’ve factored in your partner’s feelings and emotions. Stay away from the urge to insist on what you want or see things done your way. Have an open, receptive mind and encourage your spouse to voice their opinions and concerns for inclusive decision-making in all important matters that concern both of you.

However, if things begin to heat up in an argument, try to de-escalate the conflict to keep things light and in control.

12. Not acknowledge other’s feelings

The ability to entertain a thought without accepting it is the biggest mark of maturity.

Opening up about your feelings and having those feelings shut down isn’t a good feeling and makes you feel undervalued. Of course, you wouldn’t want your spouse to feel that way. So if you are trying to resolve a marital conflict, you need to encourage one another and give the other one a chance to speak up and express their feelings. Even if you don’t agree, instead of dismissing their feelings, put yourself in their shoes and try to know why they feel that way. And then look at the ways to address those feelings; that’s what couples in healthy marriages tend to do.

13. Kids issues

The way children are raised and handled can be a potential source of stress and marital problems. Kids are a wonderful gift of marriage and bring more meaning to our lives, but they can also cause additional stress in a marriage as raising them warrants more responsibility and a role change, thereby providing more fodder for disagreement and strain. Having children also reduces the “we time” available to a couple, a combination which can test even the strongest bond.

14. Day to day stress

Day to day stressors can worsen the problems already present there. A stress out partner is more likely to be impatient after getting back home, may handle conflict less effectively and have less emotional energy to devote to nurture the relationship. And with both partners having had a difficult day, it can only be exacerbated.

This day to day daily stress can test patience and optimism, leaving couples with very little to give to each other in emotional terms.

15. Changing role of women

Women across the globe are increasingly getting more and more highly educated and are no longer mere homemakers. They are financially, socially, physically, and mentally independent, which runs contrary to the old mentality of women being considered only as nurturers.

Besides, many males are raised to expect wives earning lesser than them. But when reality hits hard, there are ego clashes, which very few can handle. Such ego clashes obviously cause marital dissatisfaction. Today’s women are not reluctant to walk out of a marriage that isn’t working for them.

Solution

1. Try to be more egalitarian and accommodating of your wife’s needs, aspirations and feelings. Remember, she is your equal and nothing that you do should compromise this status of hers.
2. You are a single unit and there is nothing like mine or yours. Be proud of the fact that she can earn more as her success is yours, too. Try to celebrate her success and achievements.

16. Relations with in-laws

Nearly 2/3rd of all married couples stay with the husband’s parents. Staying with the husband’s family can be the root cause of many problems, the most common cause being the relations between the mother in law and the daughter in law. With worsening relationships, many marriages come to the brink and get dissolved.

Solution

Try living separately from your in-laws to minimize the possibilities of such disputes.

17. Feelings of “competition”

It’s quite common for spouses to feel the need to ‘win’ an argument. Doming so feeds their ego and makes them feel good about themselves that they have proved their spouse wrong about certain things.

Never ever try to resolve your marital problems with this kind of attitude as though you may win an argument, you will lose the relationship and that’s too heavy a cost to pay. It isn’t about winning or losing. Rather, focus on the issues in your marriage so you can both be happy and healthy.

18. Stuck in gridlock

A common hurdle to solving marital problems is when both of you don’t see eye to eye over marital issues e.g. one spouse is willing to discuss them, while the other one doesn’t find it a big deal.

So, when you reach an impasse, take a break as forcing your opinions on the other one isn’t going to change the situation. By taking a break, you give each other some time to put things in perspective.

The D word has stood unique for its obstinacy through my work as a life coach dealing with people suffering from myriad problems. Not in the so-distant past, the C word (Cancer) used to be a popular currency but now we are living in the “Age of Depression” as the number of people reporting depression is skyrocketing. A Ministry of Health and Family Welfare survey says that the Indians, who need professional help for mental disorders, number close to 13 crore i.e. every 11th Indian is a psychological patient. Couple it with the fact that India has too few psychiatrists to handle the epidemic and the picture becomes horrifying. A great majority of them are afflicted with mood disorders, chiefly depression, of which married women are the worst affected (my hunch, too), as they continue to be constrained by so many limitations imposed by families, society and themselves, too.

Though most millennials and lay people are wont to using the D word thing like  loose change, as a life coach, I can tell you confidently – Depression is much more debilitating, incapacitating and wasting than they can possibly think of. For those who aren’t really clued in to it, a bad exam performance, a tiff with a partner or a professor or friend’s remark may be enough to trigger the D thing. But in sharp contrast, for people rendering professional help, it is a much more pregnant, serious, long and persistent phenomenon. So much so that it translates into great personal, social and economic losses leading to absenteeism, poor productivity, poor life quality, sour relationships, separations, divorces and suicides. A NIMHANS, Bengaluru (the apex mental health institution) survey shows that depression is a major trigger in case of a majority of suicides happening in India. And more tragically, a good enough number of such suicides are committed by young people.    

The above illustrates a gross distortion of the real implications of a severely limiting mental disorder. It’s obvious that most of us are oblivious to the great price we are paying as a society for ignoring its grave consequences.

 Identifying the Signs of Depression

Depression or major depressive disorder is a common but serious medical illness which has a negative effect on your feelings, thoughts and actions. In a very general form, depression causes persistent sadness and/or a loss of interest in activities once enjoyed. It can create a variety of emotional and physical problems and can reduce your ability to function effectively at home and at the workplace.

The feelings of being disappointed, dejected or sad over events are quite common in day-to-day life, which lift on their own and don’t require any medication or other medical help. But depression is much beyond that i.e. a state of persistent low mood, sadness lasting more than 14 days.

Depression Vs. Sadness and Grief

Distinguishing between grief and depression is important to help people get the relevant help, support and treatment. A loved one’s death, a job loss or the end of a relationship are difficult experiences and the feelings of sadness or grief are a natural, normal response to such situations. Of course, those experiencing loss may describe themselves as “depressed”, but as noted earlier, sadness is not the same thing as depression. The grieving process is unique to each one and has some features common with depression. Both grief and depression may involve intense sadness and withdrawal from normal activities but they differ in important ways:

1. In grief, painful feelings come in the form of waves, intermixed with positive memories but in case of major depression, mood and/or interest show a serious decline.
2. In case of grief, self-esteem usually remains intact but in major depression, the feelings of worthlessness and self-loathing are quite common.
3. For a grieving person, the thoughts of death may surface while thinking about “joining” the deceased one but in case of major depression, the thoughts are focused on ending one’s life due to the feelings of worthlessness or an inability to cope with depression.
4. Grief and depression may exist together and in such cases, the grief is more severe and lasts longer than grief without depression.

Depression can have varying symptoms ranging from mild to severe:

1. Sadness/ low, depressed mood
2. Loss of interest/ pleasure in activities once enjoyed
3. Changes in appetite, weight loss or gain (unrelated to dieting)
4. Inability to have good sleep or sleeping too much
5. Low energy levels/ fatigue
6. Purposeless physical activity (can’t sit still, pacing, handwringing) or slow movements or speech
7. Feelings of worthlessness or guilt or self-blame
8. Difficulties with thinking, focusing or making decisions
9. Thoughts of self-harm, death or suicide

 Some medical conditions like thyroid problems, brain tumor or vitamin deficiency can have symptoms similar to those of depression. So, before arriving at a proper diagnosis, it’s important to rule out other general medical causes, which may be causing these symptoms.

Causes of Depression

Depression is quite egalitarian as it can affect anyone, even someone living in relatively ideal circumstances. Several factors can play a role in causing depression:

Genes: Depression runs in families. If one identical twin has depression, the other one has a 70 percent chance of having it sometime in life. There is a high degree of heritability (approximately 40%) in a case where first-degree relatives (parents/children/siblings) suffer from depression.

Personality: People suffering from low self-esteem, who are easily bogged by stress, or those who are pessimistic are more likely to develop depression.

Biochemistry:  Distortions in brain chemistry (esp. dopamine mechanism) may contribute to depression.

Environmental factors: Sustained violence, neglect, abuse or poverty can make us more vulnerable to developing depression.

A life coach on how to deal with depression    

As a life coach, I understand well that dealing with depression can be difficult as it drains one’s energy, hope and drive, thus making it hard to take remedial steps to feel better. There are some apparent triggers but they are difficult to point out. Though there is no quick fix there yet, there are ways to help you come out of the emotional morass and rumination that accompany it, which make it harder to make behavioral changes necessary to prevent a relapse. For example, just thinking of the things you need to do to feel better – exercising or chatting with friends – appears impossible to implement.

Of course, it doesn’t have to be taken lightly at all. If you have such symptoms, do make it a point to visit a trained psychiatrist for diagnosis and treatment. But the medications also work best in tandem with changes in your thought processes, exercising, improved dietary habits etc.

Luckily, there are enough glimmers to cut through this unrelenting darkness:

1. Feel Good

Come on, you deserve it! Relax and energize yourself with good stress management, setting your limits and being part of fun activities.

While you can’t force yourself to feel pleasure, push yourself to do things, even reluctantly and it may surprise you to find how much better you feel. You’ll feel more cheerful and energetic as you take part in fun activities.  I can vouch for it as I have been doing them consistently and advise my clients to do so.

Try to resume a hobby or game you loved earlier – music, dance, art, or writing. Go out and have fun with friends in the hills or a park. Spend some time in the lap of nature, read a book, watch a fun TV show, have a relaxing bath, play with your  pet, talk to a friend or family, listen to music and be ready for a surprise result.

2. Eat healthy, fight depression

Your food directly impacts the way you feel. Limit the consumption of foods that adversely affect your brain and mood e.g. caffeine, alcohol, trans-fats, and foods with preservatives or hormones (like certain meats).

Don’t miss any meal as a long gap between meals can make you feel irritable and tired. Have a small meal every 3-4 hours but try to stay away from sugary snacks, baked items, comfort foods like noodles and pasta as these “feel-good” things crash your mood and energy.

A deficiency of Vitamin B i.e. folic acid and B-12 can also trigger depression in some cases. Consult your doctor for a B-complex vitamin supplement or eat better – more citrus fruit, leafy greens, beans and eggs. Omega-3 fatty acid rich foods also help stabilize our mood.

3. Break the cycle

It has been found that depressive people often tend to give a negative taint to everything, including the way they look at themselves and their expectations about the future.

As a life coach, I often tell my depressive clients that in case of such thoughts crossing their minds, they need to remember it as a symptom of depression and that these irrational, pessimistic attitudes or cognitive distortions are actually unrealistic. You need to break out of this pessimistic mould by telling yourself to “think positive.” Often, it becomes so automatic and natural to you that you aren’t even aware of it. So, the trick is identifying the negative thoughts that you’re your depression and replacing them with more balanced thoughts.

Try to get rid of negative stuff like

“My last test was horrible. What a moron I have been!”

“He told me he had a blast with me at the party, but I guess he’s just being polite.”

“The boss must be thinking of me as a pathetic fellow” or “I’m caught for life in this sucking job.”

“I am such a loser. They must be making fun of me!”

“I shouldn’t have gone to the interview. What an idiot I was thinking It could crack it.”

“What a total flop I am!”

Once you identify the toxic, destructive thoughts that lead to depression, start challenging them with something like

“Is there some evidence that this is true? Not true!”

“What would I suggest to a friend having such a thought?”

“Is there another way to understand and analyze the situation or is there an alternative explanation for it?”

“How would I look at it if I weren’t depressed?”

Across my therapy work with depressive patients, I have found such cross-examination to be quite helpful, which has revealed how fast and easily these negative ideas crumble and help you get a more balanced cognitive perspective, which relieves your depressive symptoms.

4. Reach out

Obtaining the support of the family, friends, colleagues and elders plays a vital role in combating depression. It is difficult to keep a healthy perspective and keep up the effort to come out of it as depression brings a tendency to withdraw and isolate, thereby making the connect with family and friends even tougher.

I agree, you may be feeling tired, ashamed or guilty. But remember, this is just your depression talking to you. Try to remain connected with others and be part of social activities; trust me, it makes a world of difference to your mood and outlook. Never take it as a weakness or a burden on others as your loved ones care about you and would love to help you.

And if there is none to turn to, forge new friendships for a better social support network. Even if the other one may not solve your problem, they can offer great help – by being attentive, compassionate and non-judgmental listeners.  

Though phone calls and social media are great connectors, they cannot replace the good old facetime. Talking to someone in person can play a big role in relieving you of depression and keeping it at a distance. Besides, you can think of ways to help others as it can your boost your mood in return big time. Work with an NGO in your area, join a volunteer group, become a good listener for a friend, be a Good Samaritan for somebody and it will do its mite to drive away your depression, too.

Joining a depression support group may help you meet others waging a similar battle with depression so as to reduce the sense of your being alone. You can encourage each other, give and take advice on coping and also share your own experiences to give hope to one another.

5. Get Going

I fully appreciate that for a depressed person, even getting out of their bed or home is quite a task, let alone working out! But remember, exercising has been proven to be a potent antidepressant, which can aid your recovery fast. In fact, regular exercise has been found to be as effective as medication in relieving depression by doctors.

By exercising regularly, you heighten your levels of the happiness hormone (dopamine) in your brain. Remember the runner’s high you experienced- That exhilarating feeling after about half an hour of intense running, jogging etc? Do at least 30 minutes of exercise daily.  To start with, take a 10-minute walk to see how it improves your mood for one-two hours. Explore continuous, rhythmic exercises like walking, weight training, swimming, martial arts or dance, where you get to move both your arms and legs. Also try to have a partner to socialize and keep yourself motivated at a club, aerobics class or in a soccer team.

6. Health Is Wealth

Sleeping too much or too little can be problematic. So, try having 8 hours of sleep as depression often involves sleep problems. Try to learn about healthy sleep habits to have a good, quality sleep cycle.

Keep your stress level under check as it tends to worsen your depression, apart from triggering it. Think of ways to relieve the pressure coming from workload, money, or bad relationships and to regain control of your life. Regular relaxation practice can help you relieve your depression and stress to boost your enjoyment and well-being. Try out yoga, deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, or meditation or some such that suits you.

7. Sunny Side Up

Sit in the sunlight to boost serotonin levels to improve your mood. Whenever possible, expose yourself to the sun for a minimum of 20 minutes daily. Take a walk in the open in the lunch break and double up its benefits. Improve the natural lighting in your home and workplace by opening blinds, drapes and sitting near windows.

If these self-help tips and lifestyle changes do not help you, do look for professional help. Remember, seeking help doesn’t imply your weakness. Depression is certainly treatable and curable and you can feel better! Even while you are getting professional help, these things can accelerate your recovery and help you avoid a relapse.

How to Cure Depression?

Studies say that close to 90% people with depression respond well to such treatment and gain some relief from their symptoms. Before a diagnosis or treatment, a health professional has to conduct a thorough diagnostic evaluation, including an interview and physical examination. A blood test may be used to make sure that the depression is not due to some other medical condition, as noted earlier. This evaluation will throw up specific symptoms and explore the patient’s medical and family history, cultural and environmental factors to arrive at a diagnosis and evolve a suitable treatment plan in line with the results of such evaluation.

Read: Simple Lifestyle Changes for Depression Treatment

Medication

As a distorted brain chemistry may contribute to depression, antidepressants may be prescribed to modify the brain chemistry. Antidepressants may take at least 2-3  months to show their effects on the patients. In case a patient feels no improvement after several weeks, the psychiatrist can alter the dosage or add or substitute another antidepressant. Tell your doctor if a medication doesn’t work or if you experience any side effects of the medication.

Usually, patients are asked to continue medication for 6 months or more after the condition has improved and long-term maintenance treatment may be suggested to decrease the future risks they might face.

Psychotherapy

Psychotherapy or “talk therapy” is sometimes used alone to treat mild depression but for moderate to severe depression, psychotherapy is used along with the usual antidepressants. In particular, cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is quite popular and effective. CBT helps the patient recognize their distorted thinking to motivate them to change their thoughts and behaviors in order to respond to challenges positively.

Often, psychotherapy may involve others, too – family or spouse, depending on the case. Depending on the severity of the problem, the treatment may take a few weeks or longer.

Electroconvulsive Therapy (ECT)

It is reserved for patients with severe major depression who don’t benefit from other treatments. ECT involves a brief electrical stimulation of the brain under anesthesia 2-3 times weekly for 6-12 treatments. ECT is recognized for its effectiveness as a mainstream rather than a “last resort” treatment in extreme cases.