Before you tie the Knot!
“Marriages are made in Heaven,” and we all believe in that. We may have seen broken marriages of our friends, our relatives, or even our parents. But we refuse even to think that that could happen to us.
We always think that we are so deeply in love and know each other so well that this could never happen to us.
Close-up of two luxurious gold rings for a future marriage above a mirror
She understands all my simplest of needs and is comfortable with my friends too.
He is so considerate and listens to me patiently.
Isn’t that what we tell ourselves when we see another marriage falling apart piece by little piece. We are so different! Are you?
It isn’t said without any reasons that “the next worst thing to hellfire is a bad marriage, marrying the wrong person is like living with the devil himself.”
When we are madly in love, we overlook many of the smallest quirks and even disturbing behaviour of the person we love. The keyword here is ‘madly’ and not loves.
Because, in the rush of the “love hormone” called oxytocin, which plays a role in bonding, you WILL overlook many things.
Once you are married and living together, it becomes more and more normal to be around the person you love, and the levels of secretion will normalize over a period.
That’s when the famous philosophers Friedrich Nietzsche’s words come true – “It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.”
It is about friendship that, despite many differences, does not break, but marriages become an ugly and burdensome drag on our lives.
Life Coach has one word for it – expectations. She says the level of expectations from a spouse is way higher than from a friend. When the life partner does not fulfil those expectations – like doing the dishes, helping with kids, groceries, other home shopping or too many late-night parties, you start feeling burdened with the additional load of all the stuff from the other side also.
What is Premarital Counseling?
Life Coach explains that it is a type of counseling or therapy, mostly with both the partners present, to prepare for the designated day.
She says premarital counseling can help you and your partner have a loving but healthy and understanding relationship.
Getting relationship counselling, from a trained and experienced counselor will give you a better shot for unwavering support, committed partnership, and a fulfilling life together before getting married.
She suggests counseling; you can identify your weaknesses and start working on them before they create many years of trouble later.
Certified marriage counsellors, like Ritu Singal, have training, tools, and tests to unearth your hidden weaknesses and help you overcome them.
With her premarital counseling services, she helps couples prepare for their marriage. Being a certified life coach helps her because she can help you identify and overcome other weaknesses that affect your work, relationships, and life.
When you willingly participate in a relationship counselling before your marriage, you can instantly see the profound positive impact even before you are married. Even the newlywed couples can ask for marital counselling before it is too late to pre-empt any misunderstandings or misgivings that may creep in later. You can be assured of a healthy and robust relationship where mutual respect and unconditional love for each other is the foundation for the union.
Couples counseling can help teams of diverse regions, multiple caste or race identities, any gender, or believing in any faith. She says with timely counseling, you can prevent trivial issues from escalating into severe problems in the future.
Most importantly, she suggests that premarital counselling helps the couple manage and set their expectations from each other and the relationship to address any fault-lines they might cause.
Love can’t win over everything!
Yes, that’s right. When we are deeply in love with the special one, we believe that we can tide over anything just because we love them, and they love us back.
But, it’s not that simple, and could quote many couples, “We thought we had love to solve all this mess, but it wasn’t a quick fix!” She suggests that love can and must be the core of your relationship, but there is much more to it.
There are many sensitive topics that we never tend to think of or discuss with our partners until it is too late to understand their point of view. This happens mostly because we don’t think of them ahead, and in some cases, where we do, we don’t bring them up!
This can cause friction and clash of opinion on — joint finances and property, child-rearing manners and ways, career goals vs. family, religious practices & beliefs, routine, habits, etc.
Marriage counselling helps you understand your partner’s beliefs and expectations on these issues and help you draw a plan to address them as they will surface.
Even online marriage counseling is good as there is no need for physical proximity with the relationship counselor, and she can help you improve your relationship before marriage.
Over multiple sessions of premarital counselling, Life coach will encourage you to discuss:
- Change how you view the relationship – The counseling helps both partners evaluate and see their relationship with more objectivity and help them see their positive interactions.
- Understanding Cultural Differences – The upbringing conditions your mind and clouds your every thought. The family values you grow up with and the environments colour your perspectives about all relationships in your lives. This is equally true for your partner. And when both of you see with the tinted glasses, differences are bound to come in related to work, dressing, cultural festivities, etc. A relationship counselor can help bridge the gap and train you both in employing the art of concession.
- Corrects Dysfunctional Behavior – Many people are prone to involuntary dysfunctional behaviour such as aggression, depression, dominance, control issues, and addictions. A life coach and marriage counselor can help you manage these issues before they become a problem.
- Improve communication – The problem starts to creep into any relationship, especially in a marriage, when the communication breaks down. To ensure that you say and listen to each other, whatever you are feeling without hurting in any way requires practice, patience, and useful communication tools. Life Coach and marriage counselor helps couples with active listening techniques, speaking openly with mutual respect, and learning to “agree to disagree” on important matters.
- Find Positives – With effective marital counselling, can help you both find and appreciate each other’s positive and strengths and the relationship. This will give you reasons to invest your love and trust in the marriage and nurture it well.
Common Issues, Uncommon Solutions
In her offline and online marriage counselling sessions, counsellor addresses a wide range of problems and flashpoints, such as the following:
- Conflict Resolution – How do you approach and resolve conflicts between you two? Are you able to communicate about it? How do you and your partner approach the issue? What do you think must be done? Who was at fault? These are some of the tough questions that are asked with a given situation, and the answers give insight into how well prepared you are to handle conflicts. She will then provide you with specific tools to strengthen your weak spots.
- Communication – What are the barriers to communication? Are you able to say what you feel without being judged? How do and how often do you communicate? She will find the gaps and will suggest practical ways to encourage communication.
- Manage Expectation – As mentioned in the beginning, unrealistic expectations from a relationship and your partner leads to a broken marriage. That is why many people who enter a relationship with certain expectations are heartbroken when they don’t find what was expected. A couples’ counselor encourages both partners to chat about their expectations deliberately and suggest ways to manage them.
- Core Beliefs – Certain core beliefs, like one held against the consumption of alcohol or non-vegetarian food, certain religious beliefs, and priority of certain relations, are non-negotiable for most people. If you have many differences, then a counselor helps find common core beliefs in our financial matters and shares values. Couples with shared values are more likely to stay together.
- Finances – Who earns, how much, where to spend and invest, these questions are pertinent to a couple. Money is there to serve us, but many people feel uncomfortable if you talk with them about their finances, they are tight-lipped. Counselor and Life Coach helps partners find an optimum financial plan that takes care of short-term goals, long-term goals, and medium-term goals.
- Family and Kids – Are you comfortable in a joint family, or you want to complete independence? Do both of you want children? How many? When do you think you should plan a family? What will happen to the wife’s job/career when she is on maternity leave? Will she be ready to be a stay-at-home mother for long?
- Intimacy – Are you equally comfortable when you discuss sexual relations? How do you want to do it, and is it ok to experiment? Are you able to speak freely about your desires to your partner? Does she/he understand them and act on them? She suggests that couples must talk freely, honestly, and openly about sex. The ability to discuss such issues without misgivings and qualms will result in a successful marriage.
- Roles in marriage – Is the man going to be the sole bread earner and the woman the homemaker? Is the man going to do household chores and bring kids from schools? Is the female partner going to pursue her career? What will happen when she earns more than he? The couple played these scenarios in the counseling sessions to make them realize the situation’s idea and gravity.
Why Life Coach?
Premarital counselors must be able to realize the scope of their work, the gravity of the situation, and the effect they may have on their clients’ lives.
Life coach and marital counselor is a certified and trained life coach and understands all this.
She has helped numerous couples in strict confidentiality and privacy that is the backbone of the trust they repose in her. When a person is assured of remaining anonymous, they confide in their coach and counselor.
A relationship counselor will never tell you what to do; instead, she will help you find your problems and solutions.
They bring objectivity, clarity, and decisiveness to the equation that was missing earlier. They listen intently and objectively without being judgmental.
Any marriage counseling session outcomes will depend on your commitment, level of participation, integrity, and honesty.
The scientific tools, techniques, and exercises are used by Ritu Singal to help you monitor and track your milestones.
Your expectations, circumstances, emotions, desires, and needs all play a role in what you get out of any session and the overall exercise.