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We all know about leaders and the work they do. Be it politics, business, technology, science, sports, culture or anything else, leaders are, quite simply, the engines that run their trains to different destinations. And to travel long distances to these destinations successfully and safely, the engine needs to be manned properly and fuelled by the right kind of energy.

Some experts believe that leaders are simply born. Leaders are made, too, say others. The fact is, truth lies somewhere in between. Most credibly, it’s a combination of circumstances and persistence in most cases. Some great leaders you meet aren’t even aware of their leadership qualities. In fact, they may not have even a formal leadership title bestowed on them, even then they exercise decisive influence and come to call the shots.

But it’s not easy being the engine – it needs to be powerful enough, decide the path and stock up on the right kind of resources to travel the distance, have the right kind of people aboard and ensure it stays on track to reach its destination safely and in time.

So what is it that you really need to become a successful, great leader? If you have a majority of the characteristics below, it indicates your potential to become a great leader. Also remember that working on yourself is only half the battle won and over time, your team gets a more significant role to play in your subsequent success.

Qualities of Effective Leaders

Read on to find if you make the grade:

1. You walk your talk

You walk your talk and your words aren’t just lip service. Rather, you really “live” them. Obviously, it fosters credibility among the team members, who align with the tone you set. 

Instead of using persuasion, argument or force, creating an example is the most powerful form of leadership. Social modelling, psychologists tell us, has an extremely powerful impact on bringing about all kinds of behavioural changes, good or bad among babies and kids. This tendency continues well into adulthood and people always come to notice who’s doing what in an organization. And when that person is you, your team members naturally tend to follow you and you become a leader. 

2. You can take effective decisions

There never ever was any indecisive leader in human history. Being a decisive one, you use good judgment in the face of challenges and take a decision in time with confidence. And while doing so, you use logic and your problem solving abilities.

You constantly try to achieve multiple goals in personal life and professional life, be it implementing a new quality control system or improving your fitness. And your confidence grows with every goal you achieve.

You are confident and passionate and move ahead with assurance, being passionate about your beliefs and refusing to let anything stop you. Working consistently towards a cause with vision and confidence makes you a leader. Your confidence makes the workplace a positive environment by bringing infectious energy to the workplace. Contrarily, workplace vampires blame others for making them feel the way they do instead of taking personal responsibility.

3. You are gifted with charisma

You have a surge of infectious, positive energy flowing through you that gets others excited to get on board. You approach various issues enthusiastically and that reflects a genuine desire on your part in life. You’re the proverbial nice guy/gal gifted with the qualities of head and heart- courage, honesty, morality and righteousness and your displaying these qualities tells others about your good intentions, who reciprocate it with respect. 

4. You inspire others towards change

You know very well the difference between dictating and leading others. Dictating is pressuring your team members into working towards goals but when you lead, you inspire them to put in their best in the direction of goal achievement. As a good leader, you inspire your team to become their own best versions. And when you are always looking to grow your people, their pride is reflected in the kind of work they do and the quality they deliver. 

You view your team’s victory as yours as you are happy to see your team thrive by providing them the required support and guidance.

5. You can empower others

You are ready to make sacrifices for the resources your teams needs for success. You don’t believe in micro-managing others. Rather, you believe in delegating tasks to make others responsible. You are a big support in providing your team with a conducive environment for independent working.

You know that your power doesn’t imply controlling others at all. Your power is your strength and giving it to others. A leader isn’t someone who forces others to strengthen him; rather, a leader is a person willing to strengthen others. 

6. You can communicate well

You set clear expectations and goals and can get everyone behind them. Good communication implies conveying effectively the short-term and long-term vision for the organization, which gets people excited to work. 

 You can also read our blog on Communication Skills for Workplace Success

7. You’re persuasive

This most essential tool in your leadership armour enables you to persuade others readily, be it getting someone on board with an idea or convincing another one of your argument, you are known for your ability to convince others. 

8. You evoke loyalty and authenticity

You believe in “living” the principles you expect your team members to follow. Thus, they are much more inclined to follow you. Besides, you inspire others to do good work and can motivate your team about a particular project. 

9. You persist

You show determination to achieve your goals. While fully acknowledging that it isn’t always possible, you make every possible effort to achieve your goal before you concede defeat.

Your positive attitude makes people around you happy. This kind of outlook doesn’t make you blind to problems. Rather, it lets you find some good in every situation and know that eventually things will turn out to be alright. This kind of spirit keeps people motivated and spreads hope and ensures that you are considered a leader.

10. You inspire trust 

Great leaders teach, motivate, and share their expertise with others, who often regard them as a fountainhead of knowledge. They rely on your advice, and you’re more than happy to help them get ahead. You articulate a wider vision that resonates with others so as to ensure good performance, loyalty or other positive outcomes. You can rally your team around yourself in uncertainty or tumult to keep the business intact.

People count on you and trust you to follow through and realize your promises. If you can hold yourself accountable and demonstrate total responsibility that leads others to trust you, you are a leader. 

11. You are a rule-breaker

True leadership consists in finding new, unproven solutions to achieve a better tomorrow. Leadership implies progress and evolution, for which the status quo needs to be challenged. As a good leader, you can think and work outside the box.

You approach a problem using your own original thought as you’re an idea person, a visionary. You try to innovate by challenging the status quo. 

12. Your feedback makes a difference

You are well-aware that negative feedback can be counterproductive if not communicated properly.  You have a handle on how and when to deliver both positive and negative (or constructive) feedback to improve individual and organizational results, not to run others down or hurt others’ feelings or egos. 

13. You constantly seek self-improvement

It’s a lifelong mission with you to always keep on improving yourself in all ways possible. Knowing your own imperfections, you let others know that you’re constantly working to become your best version. You are ready to take the blame whenever you are  responsible for any negative outcomes and do not pass the buck on to others.  

14. You’re in auto-discipline mode

You are gifted with self-control and self-restraint and you don’t let emotions enter the process of decision making. Desires or negative thoughts cannot carry you away. You don’t yield to temptations easily because you know doing so is integral to success.

You don’t need others for supervision or validation of your efforts. You criticize yourself before others do. You don’t frequently look to others to get you where you want to go. 

15. You have a plan, always

You are the go-to man (or woman!) for all in times of need. You can make effective strategies and embrace challenges as you are confident of overcoming them with your problem-solving abilities.

Your plans are informed by a real-life perspective and are grounded in pragmatic considerations. 

16. You invest in people

You know your biggest assets too well – your people. Obviously you nurture, groom and take care of them. Besides, you also know how to grow them and make their well-being a top priority. Given this, you understand the importance of constantly upgrading the skills and knowledge of your team to enhance their intellectual capital.

You spend time supporting, guiding and sharing your knowledge with others and give them the opportunity for success. If you do everything possible to help them attain success, you’re a leader.

You insist on excellence. When you do that, you tell others to act rather than talk, show rather than say and deliver rather than promise. If you do not make excuses but hold up excellence and quality, you are a leader. 

You can also watch our video on Improve Your Leadership Skills

17. You have an open mind

You are game for absorbing others’ perspectives to evaluate a scenario and make sound decisions based on different inputs. Others feel comfortable presenting their ideas to you as they know you have an open mind and are receptive to differing viewpoints.

You handle criticism well and thrive on others’ feedback. Whether you act on that feedback or not is an uncertain question, but you welcome it and are ready to consider it as genuine and valid.

You’re a good listener. Thus, people love to confide in you. This indicates not only a strong leadership but also that you’re a nice guy/ gal. If listening is more important than speaking to you and if people can confide in you, you are a leader. 

18. You display compassion

You do not consider your own needs to be more important than others’. You show a genuine sense of empathy whenever a team member faces a troublesome personal event. You listen well and are eager to help them with all that you can.

You are ready to admit your fallacies and mistakes and learn from them.

You respect people and it earns you respect in return. If you look for the good in everyone and respect them, they will hold you in high esteem and you’ll be a leader.

You offer advice and counsel. You have a good sense of empathy and your perspective is useful to those around you. If you often help others navigate their work and life, you are a leader. 

19. You can read others’ minds

You’re gifted with good emotional intelligence. You can see if others are lying to you or are trying to mislead you. You can read people’s emotions and you try to learn about how those around you work, and comprehend people’s tendencies and behaviours. 

You can also Boost To Your Leadership Skills With Corporate Coaching

20. You are a peace-maker amid chaos

Yours is a calming and pacifying presence that reassures your team and others amid difficulties. You display calm even amid chaotic times to reassure your team and keep it on track in spite of the goings-on.

Let’s begin with a quick poser: What does every human look for, ultimately, in life? If your answer is one of these – money, love, good family, success, material possessions, you are absolutely in the wrong. If you ask yourself, what do all these things finally lead to? A sense of happiness in life as given these things, you can afford to lead a decent social life, while taking care of your physical-, emotional and other needs.  So it all boils down to happiness that we all chase so desperately.

But interestingly, happiness is a very very subjective idea. For a car dealer, happiness consists in selling, maybe, more than 10 cars on a particular day while for a first-time car buyer, happiness equals driving his prized possession, accompanied by loved ones. Likewise, for a famished soul, getting a full meal is enough cause for happiness but for a well-fed one, much more would be required to stimulate happiness. We don’t need to define happiness as we all know what it means. Now coming to the point, are you happy? If not, what stands in your way? What are the roadblocks on the path to the ultimate human dream? Let’s talk about some of them.

Regrets in life are a big reason why many of us are unhappy.

How I wish I had worked harder in college!

How beautiful it would be to reverse my childhood!

I wish I had heeded my father’s advice!

Only if I hadn’t hooked up with her!

Alas! I should have lived my life my own way!

The list is unending and always expanding as discussed by Brownie Welsh in her slim yet beautiful book Top Five Regrets of Dying. Elizabeth Kubler Ross’s On Death and Dying brings a psychological perspective to the process of dying and talks of how unfulfilled wishes and dreams play out in the process.

Here are some major regrets in life which are a great impediment on your path to happiness. Check them out to see if you too have a regret that’s keeping back your happiness and to take some remedial steps. Well, here we go!

1. Please all

That one is a sure shot formula for failure and discontentment in life, said Einstein. Many have had a shot at it and have come out wiser- it doesn’t work. Stay away from the idea of leading your life and doing all the things so as to ensure everyone is satisfied. “If, in a group discussing a topic, everyone is thinking the same thing, no one is thinking at all.” Well, it implies everyone is by default, different, and therefore, trying to please all is a chimera you must not try to chase.

Of course, it doesn’t mean that you ought to live a self-centered, selfish life based on I, Me, Myself. Rather, its true intent is that we should try to do what we like to do and what God also likes! 

2. Life is Evolution

Do you recall the movie Dear Zindagi? Well, a psychologist in the movie explains to Alia Bhatt how choosing a partner is akin to buying a chair from a furniture store. The sensible soul tells her that before buying a chair, we try out many of them at different stores and look at their design, ergonomics, comfort and the price, of course. Only after all these things do we make a decision about a particular chair. Now, if we expend so much of our energy and time over a mere lifeless chair, by corollary, choosing a life partner deserves far more? Doesn’t it?

Just like the plants and animals on the Earth have undergone biological evolution, humans, too, constantly evolve psychologically, emotionally and spiritually. Times are gone when people would be happy with a job for life or would be content with a partner for life. It’s important to appreciate the fact that it is not really necessary that we come out right in these decisions the very first time. We are humans, with our own inadequacies and frailties and life is a journey, a process of constant hit-and-trial, wherein we are learning each single moment and trying to get better at what we do.

Therefore, have no regrets and stop cursing yourself for the wrong company you chose, for the horrible partner you landed up with or for the now-gone-bust business idea of yours. Learn from your mistakes and move on. That’s life!

3. Oh! For a mentor

Come on, let’s face it. Life isn’t a bed of roses. So many unchartered territories we explore constantly that we run many grave risks of all kinds. Therefore, to help us navigate the treacherous path of life, it’s better to have a mentor, whom you can connect with. A good mentor is a friend, philosopher and trouble-shooter, all rolled into one. Such a soul can offer guidance for all important life questions – related to everything under the sun- and literally save your life.

So, if you haven’t had a mentor so far, it’s not too late. Look for one so that you always have an anchor to support you in tough times.

If you are searching for the best mentor who can guide you, then you can also contact Life Coach Ritu Singal.

4. You are nothing but your friends

Friendship is one of the finest gifts we humans can get and give. But it’s important to choose your friends with great care as they can have a significant role in determining the trajectory of your career, family life, and life in general. I always tell my daughters to exercise extreme care while choosing their friends. 

It is often said that you are the average of the sum total of the five friends surrounding you. That is, if you are surrounded by predominantly happy-go-lucky friends, you become happy-go-lucky just like them. Conversely, if you keep company with the brooding types, you are more likely to end up the serious kind.

So, try to have five friends of the type that you aspire to become. Choose with care!

5. Oh, only if I hadn’t chased degrees

Do you remember the insanely successful movie Three Idiots? In one of the scenes, Ranchhod Dass, the character played by Amir Khan advises his friends not to chase success but excellence.  His advice holds great value for today’s youth, who are mainly driven by marks and degrees.

Ask yourself honestly- Did I ever try to enhance my skills and talents beyond the classroom? How did you utilize the forced holiday thanks to COVID? Did you learn some new technologies, new languages or new skills. Helping out at home and trying to learn cooking is fine, but what about enriching your professional skills?

If your answer is NO, it’s high time we realized that a degree doesn’t earn a fat salary package, talent does. In these technology-led times, where tomorrow happened yesterday, you will soon feel outdated and obsolescent if you fail to upgrade yourself (CONSTANTLY).

Read our blog on 8 Personality Development Skills You Must Possess

6. The Now, The Here  

The past is done and the future is yet to come. That’s why today is called the present. A present, a gift it really is!  A Stanford University research shows that a great majority of us spend considerable time in remembering the past, which wastes a great amount of psychic energy and reduces productivity.

Remember, the past cannot be undone. Living in the present moment is all what you need to learn to make the most of your life.

7. Constant Improvement

Do not look at having big improvements in a short time. Instead, try to have incremental, small improvements over time and you’ll see how much they finally add up to.  Try to ensure that your today turns out to be better than yesterday and your tomorrow is better than today. That’s the essence of constant improvement!

Watch our video on Be the better version of yourself by Life Coach Ritu Singal

8. The Rainbow

Today’s hyper-connected, liberalized world offers a plethora of choices in terms of almost everything. Carrying over this analogy to your inner mind, nature has given you a blank canvas, on which you can paint infinite things with the colours of your choice.

You have the entire universe open to you. So hold your brush and paint to make your own beautiful painting to dazzle the world. You may draw a wrong stroke here or there, spill your paint or apply a wrong colour but feel free to make as many mistakes as you want. But remember, no repetitions are allowed and each mistake should be a new one!

Why?

Of all the things having a substantial and lasting impact on the life you have, your life satisfaction and personal happiness, two things stand out for their towering influence:  career choice and marriage. And it would be quite commonsensical to understand it. Think of it- a typical career requires us to devote at least half of our working hours to it and brings a whole set of people around you who impact you in multifarious, important ways. From this viewpoint, a marriage is even more impactful than a career choice even as you choose to spend the rest of your time with a spouse, who is definitely going to bring a great many significant influences on you and your life.  But in a sense, a marriage is a far more crucial decision as you can easily leave your company without many obligations but certainly not a spouse without incurring huge financial, emotional and psychological costs.

Of late, the trend of pre-marriage counselling is catching on in India. I can vouch for it from my experience as a counsellor as well. And I would call it a welcome trend as it can save you much heartburn later. In fact, it would not be far-fetched to say that a rise in the trend of pre-marriage counselling should automatically lead to a corresponding fall in marital counselling cases and divorces.

Remember The Beatles’ song “All you need is love?” while your parents had advised, “Marry someone whose values are similar to yours.” And your local priest says, “Marry someone who is a believer!” All these are well-meaning pieces of wisdom, but none of them is complete by itself. That’s because getting married is much beyond a combination of love, values and religious faith. That’s why before deciding to take the marital plunge, it’s imperative to give it a deep thought and examine it from all possible angles so that you take such a momentous decision judiciously. Research says that at least 75 per cent of the marital counselling cases could have been avoided if the couples had better communicated their expectations before getting married.

Researchers have identified many indicators of marital satisfaction that fall into three groups:

 Predictors of marital satisfaction

1. Extroversion                             2. Flexibility
2. Self-esteem                                 4. Interpersonal skills (like empathy and assertiveness)

 Predictors of marital discord

1. Inability to cope with stress                    2. Pre-set beliefs like “People are like that only.”
2. Excessive:   Impulsiveness, Anger, Depression, Irritability, and Anxiety

Pre-marriage Tips

1. Why Marriage?

One of the most fundamental questions you need to ask yourself and the other person before getting married. Are you marrying

1. just because your friends are doing so?
2. due to parental/ societal pressures?
3. because you believe you are about to cross the generally accepted age for marriage?
4. because you would like to share your life with someone else?

If the reason is a or b or c, give it a second thought. Contrary to common perception, there is nothing like a societally approved age for marriage. Of course, the biological clock doesn’t respect anything, but then, everyone may not like to have babies.  Remember, if your answer is d, you are going to let someone into every smallest aspect of your life and so, very careful thought is in order before you burn your bridges.

2. How Important is Your Career?

For some, a job is just a job but for others, it may mean the world and be a source of identity and purpose. Be clear about it – it might keep you tied to a certain area or never let your settle in one place for long. It may also imply that you may never earn much, or always have unpredictable work hours.

You need to be clear about your job as in a marriage, you may need to move, stop working for a while or become the main breadwinner. So it’s really important that both of you are clear about the position your job enjoys. You need to discuss the work environment, schedules, etc. to keep aware of the demands of each other’s jobs. Marital misunderstandings start happening as work-life balance creates insecurities or trust problems. So it’s better to know about it before getting married.

3. What About Respective Families?

For many couples, family obligations change after marriage. Do you or your partner have family traditions/commitments you observe regularly? How do you or your spouse fit into them? You need to consider how much each other’s families will be part of your daily life – will your new mother-in-law look after childcare, will your father expect to move in with you?

It’s important while sharing life that everyone feels heard and that you make time for yourselves as a couple and for the blended family.

4. Health matters

Though people avoid talking about these things, health matters need critical attention before getting married. The couple needs to discuss blood groups, previous treatments, stress issues and mental health history as they are going to impact your overall life. Of course, having a spouse with long term health or mental health issues can cause a disturbance. If any such medical problem is hidden, it can lead to a bigger mess later. Sometimes, such problems can affect sex life, which is again messier. So, it’s essential to discuss all health matters before getting married.

5. Children

It’s crucial to discuss this with your partner-to-be. Whether and when you want kids or not – discuss beforehand. You wouldn’t like to have surprises after the wedding. If your partner has a different opinion about kids, it may create disturbance in your life. So, it’s better to be prepared before getting married.

6. Religious preferences

If you belong to different castes, religions, communities, or nationalities, it’s important to discuss the issue. Of course, love does not know any religion but things change post-marriage. Do not let your religion become the reason for any clashes after marriage. Talk about whether you will practise the same religion you professed earlier or your spouse’s and how you are going to celebrate religious festivals.  

7. Eating habits

Ideally, each one’s food choices need to be respected. You may be a vegetarian or even a vegan but your girl may be a hard-core “animal-lover”. Eating habits may seem trivial, but they can be potential trouble-makers, especially in India, where people are quite sensitive about their faith. Evolving a solution is up to you but better to discuss beforehand.

8. Financial matters

This one is a MUST. You must talk about the money you two will be making and how you will divide the expenses between yourselves. A very common point of contention in a marriage is the priority list of spending. Your partner may be a travel buff and may not mind-blowing up lakhs of rupees on that annual vacation but you may be more of a home-bird. Besides, you also need to talk about investment plans. Trust me, clarity about financial matters levees lesser scope for marital troubles..

9. Past issues

Not everyone may be on the same page on this one. But telling the new partner about your past relationships can be risky as each one has a different thought process. Of course, having clarity beforehand is very important. Moreover, if your partner gets to know about your past from elsewhere, it would create bigger problems. To avoid these possibilities, you can talk about them with your new partner before getting married.

10. Social Media

It may look trivial, but trust me, it deserves to be discussed. Would you be happy to share details of your life on social media? Are there certain things you’d like to keep private? I have seen many marriages break up just on this pretext. So, it’s better to discuss.  

Talking these things out beforehand can help you have a smooth marital ride. In the backdrop of a rising divorce rate in India, it is imperative to discuss all these things before marriage so that you don’t have to deal with misunderstandings and insecurities later.

Popular Queries

Q 1: Is there only one right person for me to marry?

A: Oh, no! Were it the case, people won’t remarry after the death of a spouse.

Q 2: Do I need to feel totally competent as a spouse before I marry?

A: No! You should feel competent to be a spouse, though a little anxiety is okay.

Q 3: Is love a sufficient reason to marry someone?       

A: Absolutely no! Just being attracted to someone and having a passionate feeling of love is NOT reason enough for you to marry that person. Falling in love is easy but leading a life together is a very different ballgame. Several other factors (like those discussed above) are equally important to a happy married life.

Q 4: Does preparing for a marriage happen naturally?   

A: No way! This is the myth of naturalism. In reality, you need to consciously prepare for marriage. It is a learned response, based on acquiring sound information and its assessment.

Q 5: I attach a lot of importance to good human qualities like forgiveness, empathy and kindness. Should I look for these traits in a future spouse?

A: You can try too! Though a matter of fact, finding such a person may take some effort and even if you can find him/ her, the person may lack certain other desirable things. Ultimately, you need to strike a balance as people are not factory-made to order and come in all shapes, sizes and colours.

Q 6: Several of my friends have had terrible marriages and therefore I have become fearful of the idea of marriage itself. Please advise.

A: I can completely understand your predicament. But please don’t let it cloud your judgment. Take your time, know the prospective spouse thoroughly and if you feel like spending the rest of your life with him/ her, do consider it.  After all, despite millions of road accidents happening annually, people haven’t stopped using roads. Good luck!

Parenting, to begin with, has never been an easy task, even in the very best of times. So, one can easily imagine the additional responsibilities and risks it carries when the times are not-so-favourable. Though human parenting across the world has several commonalities – in nurturing, socializing, educating and training in almost all spheres of life, there are considerable differences in parenting techniques among different cultures. For instance, in farm-based cultures, kids are considered more as economic assets rather than emotional objects and are treated like ones.

Similarly, tribal cultures stress individual independence in contrast with non-tribal cultures. Over the past decade, there has been a great interest in the critical importance and impact of different parenting techniques on kids, especially in eastern vs. western cultures. The impact of this difference in parenting styles is most clearly visible in a child’s academic performance, self-confidence, emotional development, behavior, and coping abilities.

A country’s history and culture greatly impact the parenting styles popular therein. For instance, the Chinese culture is largely influenced by the Confucian philosophy of respect for authority, devotion to parents, emotional restraint, and the importance of education. Not surprisingly, Chinese parenting practices emphasize training, governance, and love. Likewise, the ancient Indian Gurukul system, based on respect for authority, also stresses devotion to parents, learning, and education.

However, this is not to downplay the importance of changing times, cultural diffusion, and lateral mobility, which all affect parenting techniques in a major way. For instance, Chinese parents are now becoming less authoritarian and more sensitive to children’s emotions and needs and give them greater independence and autonomy. Similarly, there’s evidence that in recent years, Western parents have begun to have higher expectations of their children in terms of academic achievement, supervise and monitor their activities more closely.

Parenting Styles- The Categories

During parenting counselling, parents need to be explained the different dimensions of parenting styles. Most experts identify three common parenting styles in a parent-child relation relationship:

1. Authoritarian – disciplinarian
2. Permissive – indulgent and
3. Authoritative

to help us understand and improve parenting skills.

Authoritarian parents are disciplinarians to the core and believe in wielding the proverbial stick in the parent-child relation quite often. Thus, punishment is common and communication is mostly one-way: from parents to children. Such a parenting technique uses dictatorial decision-making, with children having no say in important things related to the household.  Typically, the products of such parent-child relationships turn out to be either rebellious or submissive and docile adults and have problems with authority figures in later life.

Conversely, permissive parents in a parent-child relationship are more like friends and their parenting style is liberal. Predictably, such a style leads to an adulthood marked by little respect for rules and discipline and frequent problems with the law…

Authoritative parenting technique, wherein the parents fix boundaries and provide guidance, but also give kids the freedom to decide and learn from mistakes is thought to be the most beneficial for a child’s all-around development.

Indian Parenting Vs. Western Parenting

While Indian parenting technique has traditionally been regarded as ‘authoritarian’, Western parenting technique is believed to be more liberal, ranging between permissive and authoritative styles. Within India’s middle class, authoritarian parenting seems to be quite popular with the parents demanding blood, sweat, and tears from children, especially in the pursuit of academic excellence. The flourishing private coaching schools of Kota which generate Rs.75,000 crore annually are testimony enough to the aggressiveness of Indian parents. Contrarily, such micro-managing of children’s lives is rare in Western cultures, where children don’t have to bear the burden of high parental expectations. Rather, their delicate sensitivities are a topic of national preoccupation.

Most Indian parents aggressively push their children to meet the very high academic expectations they have of them. This authoritarian parenting technique doesn’t always work as every child is gifted with unique talents and aptitudes, and a plain vanilla approach isn’t desirable. The parent’s job is to provide a conducive and positive home environment to let children develop academic and social-emotional skills. Ideally, parenting styles need to be adapted and modified to suit the child’s unique personality.  

Keeping “right” and “wrong” in the parent-child relation aside, we need to understand that each culture is a product of its history and surroundings and secondly, parents are always unquestionably well-intentioned, from their viewpoint, at least. However, we can reflect upon what is desirable and what is not in a parent-child relation, which actions could lead to your child’s happiness, security, and independence, and which ones could make the child stubborn, defensive, and angry.

Let’s dive a bit deeper into both parenting techniques to know what makes them so different.

Indians enjoy the existence of bigger, extended, and joint families. Though joint families are a declining trend, it’s nowhere comparable to what is seen in Western cultures. Extended families help instill a sense of affection and responsibility towards others as children grow up with more than just their parents and learn to adjust to different kinds of behaviors. They learn values from older generations that help build character, kindness, and compassion. The grandparents’ unconditional love is the most valuable gift they get early on. While the trend is on the decline today, Indians still meet their extended family more often as compared to what we see in the West.

Contrarily, in letting kids be on their own and giving them choices, the West is many steps ahead of India. In India, children above 10 and sometimes even 18 are given instructions for little things and decisions made on their behalf. Except for a few, who really support their children’s choices and independence, most parents would like to remote control them, even when they are taking life-changing and personal decisions like career or marriage. Now, this is what we could learn from the west where even a 5-year-old is encouraged to make decisions about day-to-day things e.g. choosing a daily outfit, leisure activity, or preferred food.

However, we find a small percentage of families becoming progressive and treating kids as “individuals’ rather than kids. It’s a welcome transition, which could create a stronger, wiser, and more independent generation. A good parenting must enable a child to make life decisions and also be ready to face their consequences. Tempering the richness of our culture with this change could lead to kids, who are both grounded and free. Ultimately, it’s all about maintaining a reasonable balance in the parent-child relationship.

Indian Parenting –Unique Features

The Indian parent-child relation is marked by many unique features, which may not be found in other cultures, especially the western ones:

1. Discipline

Indian parents emphasize discipline more while western parenting is more liberal. Indian parents try to raise well-mannered and disciplined kids when it comes to academics and that explains why Indian children are getting more career-centric.

Western parents’ liberal style makes them go soft on children and thus when things go wrong, they are more considerate about a kid’s feelings. Often, it results in a careless nature among teenagers, for whom it’s important to foster discipline in life.

2. Kindness and Patience

Indian parents try to teach their kids kindness, compassion, and peaceful co-existence with their surroundings, including people, animals, and nature. Little kids are encouraged to be modest and nice to everything around them, from strangers to the small, stray dog on the street. Indians believe that every living thing on the earth deserves the same amount of respect. And also, never forget to show patience!

3. Good Example

One cannot expect a kid to be kind, respectful, and independent if their parents are rude and irresponsible. That’s why Indian parents try to show them with their own example. Besides, in several families, older generations are quick to teach their grandchildren the right things.

4. Attachment

Well, this one is the clearest marker, if there could be any. Indian mothers believe in attachment parenting and, therefore, try spending every single minute with their newborns. It’s a convenient arrangement- if the baby is anxious, wants to be fed, or needs a diaper change, the problem can be tackled right then. Of course, co-sleeping usually ends by 7 or 8 years of age.

 In contrast, in many Western cultures, parents put their newborns to sleep in separate rooms.

5. Education

Indian parents pay close attention to kids’ academic achievements and would want them to be successful more than anything. So you find strict play-time and study-time rules in Indian households. And kids often realize later the value of such self-discipline fostered early by parents!

6. Spirituality

For many Indians, spirituality is a central aspect of life. It’s what their parents had taught them and what their school had encouraged. Obviously, kids know from a young age about family rituals and explore this side of life. They are taught, mostly, to follow their parents’ religious faith and are made to attend the related ceremonies off and on.

7. Finances

“No, no we don’t need this one. And no, there’s no need for that either.”

The simple logic: Indian parents would like their kids to value money very early on. So pocket money is strictly controlled and the kids know well they can’t splurge on that cool T-shirt. May seem a tough tactic, but it seems to work! Thus, Indian kids grow up knowing they need to work hard for financial independence and stability.

8. Respect for authority

Indian parents try to ensure their kids are respectful. “Answering back” is clearly a no-no for Indian parents. Contrarily, Western parents believe in forging a friendship with their kids, which takes the kids out of the “protective environment” and makes them confide to their parents about many things. This is especially important when the kid is entering a teenage.

Western parents are never seen pressuring them in academics and whole-heartedly accept their kids choosing music, arts, dance, etc as a career.

9. Social Bonding

In India, cultural conformity and family bonds are very strong and deeply rooted. Extended family and even neighbors contribute greatly to raising children. In contrast, it is regarded as interference and infringement of personal space in Western culture. Moreover, it’s quite common for  Indian parents to be actively involved in their children’s lives after their marriage. Indian parents support their children emotionally and financially throughout their lives.

This is quite opposed to the Western culture, wherein kids, once married, are on their own and there is hardly any give-and-take between the two.  

10. Guiding

Western parents are extremely conscious of their words and more often use “love”, “honey” and “sweetheart”.

On the other hand, Indian parents assume their children to be strong enough to bear an occasional bashing.

Striking the Balance

In nutshell, both the Indian and Western parenting styles come with their unique pros and cons. Both styles offer many major benefits but can also give rise to potential problems. The trick lies in deriving benefits from both and avoiding the problems associated with either by finding the sweet spot between them. Both styles are just two paths to the same destination even if they are radically different. So we can’t really say with confidence which one is good or bad. Besides, every child is unique in that certain things work fine for one, which may not be the case with another one.

In the Internet age, when family dynamics are being significantly influenced by social media and technology, parents are adapting elements of different parenting styles and strategies. Besides, globalization and new technologies are influencing cultural values that underlie these parenting styles, and thus, the East and the West are interacting and reshaping each other’s parenting styles.

  “Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.”   –        G B Shaw

What’s Personal Development?

We all know about the 92- year old Lata Mangeshkar, who even after reaching the pinnacle of musical excellence, still does 10 hours of riyaaz (practise) daily. At this age and after scaling so many heights, she probably needn’t. But that is what differentiates her from others. She didn’t stop after one achievement; rather, she has kept her passion alive throughout life. And also Bachendri Pal, the first Indian woman to climb Everest. But even after this monumental achievement, she kept leading expeditions and carried out relief and rescue operations during floods in the northeast.

It is this continuous journey of exploring newer horizons that we call personal growth or personal development. Personal development is the lifelong process of assessing life goals and enhancing skills to actualize one’s potential by becoming proactive and taking charge of actions. One may not always reach one’s goals but one certainly lives a more fulfilling life as one has a sense of purpose, satisfaction and success.

You can work on your personal development by embracing certain self-improvement skills. These are traits and qualities that you already have or gain through education and training. Some common personal development skills are:

Communication skills – Let you convey thoughts with clarity and confidence

Interpersonal skills – Let you build relationships for a more fulfilling life

Problem-solving skills – Enable you to evolve the best solutions to obstacles

Adaptability – Let you adjust to new things, staying calm in unanticipated situations

Leadership skills – Help you guide others, boost morale and confidence

I, too, am have-been-there, done-that. So, it’s all about walking the talk. Used to crib about the short 24-hour days (flip the pages of my A Story Can Change your Life) and a constant lack of time until one day…….  I looked into the mirror, decided to give up my distracted lifestyle and adopted one daily goal that changed my life forever:  Do Your Best.

Today, about a decade and a half later, I’m a fairly successful businesswoman, motivational speaker and author, a John Maxwell certified life coach and counsellor engaged in transforming lives through the learning that worked so well for me. This journey of personal growth and development has been so empowering, liberating and fruitful that I would like to spare the cheer to as many as I can.

Why personal development is important?

Many people suffer from the misconception that personal development is for those who need to work harder to achieve goals. But the fact is, even the most successful people constantly look for further improvement (that’s what made them successful in the first place) despite scaling the heights in their respective fields. In reality, the brain needs to be fed new information constantly (to forge new neural pathways) so that you remain mentally active and sharp and can flourish continuously.

Personal development may take time but is it certainly worth it:

1. Clarity

It helps you define your personal vision and goals clearly. With the targets in place, it is easier to plan and work towards your goals.

2. Better Skills

Continuous learning and personal growth define personal development. You learn from your past to overcome challenges.

3. True Potential

The more you work on yourself, the more you get to know about your latent potential and push your boundaries to explore new things.

4. Motivator

Personal development empowers you as you get to control things. Due to constant improvement, you feel more confident and motivated than ever, thereby raising your productivity and self-satisfaction.

5. The Bigger Picture

Once you accept your shortcomings, you hold yourself answerable for your mistakes. Self-awareness can help you appreciate the bigger picture and not self-criticize for things beyond your control.

6. The Social Animal

Good social skills help you build healthier relationships. If you face workplace conflicts, you need to address them instead of avoiding them. You learn to regulate emotions, thoughts and behaviours, thereby strengthening your self-control. You begin to differentiate facts from opinions. Addressing difficulties makes you more resilient and look at a problem objectively.

7. A Better You

Self-development is about putting your learning into practice. If you are consistently learning, growing and striving to become the best version of yourself means that you will reach your ultimate potential.

8. Direction

Once you know your goals and why you want to better yourself, you will have a clearer outlook. This sense of direction makes decision making easier and help you avoid unnecessary tasks.

9. Productivity boost

Once you have a sense of direction, the job of prioritizing people and tasks becomes easy. Focusing purely on areas that will improve you makes you motivated and productive.

Click here to read the blog on how to increase productivity in the workplace

10. Progress is addictive

Making a small change daily to help you achieve your goals adds up to a big change over time. Putting in the efforts to make it possible eventually becomes a habit. And when you look back and realize how far you’ve come from where you once stood, the progress becomes addictive, pushing you even further.

Please note that it is different from personality development as personality development refers to changing the very fundamentals of the unique way a person thinks, reacts and behaves.

SELF-DEVELOPMENT-The Process

It is a conscious process of enhancing oneself by developing skills, competencies and knowledge. Self-development aims to create a self-fulfilled person. The process has three components:

Skill improvement  

It covers both personal and interpersonal effectiveness. Personal effectiveness skills like goal-setting, time management, decision-making and stress management benefit you as a person while interpersonal skills help you interact with others and develop fruitful, healthy relationships.

Mental Conditioning

Mental conditioning is the process of building and strengthening our minds, which results in a better focus on our goals. It helps us keep a positive focus, improve our self-image and self-confidence. Mental conditioning techniques like meditation, breathing exercises and relaxation boost concentration and performance.

Habit Creation

Habits make a man. A habit is a routine, automatic, unintentional behaviour or tendency, which can be difficult to break. We can also cultivate new habits and bring about positive changes in life.

Is it time?

Though they might differ on many other things, the best life coaches agree on certain things necessitating a concerted effort for personal development.

Here is a checklist of the 10 signs you need to look out to know if it’s time for personal improvement:

1. The Angry Bird

Anger can undo many a successful person by ruining progress- personal and professional. There are endless accounts of how angry people sometimes ended up on the wrong side of the law for life.  When you aren’t making the desired progress at work and in life, your dissatisfaction often finds an outlet in sudden anger pretty quickly. Routine obstacles like a leaking tap or a lock not opening quickly become your scapegoats, you cuss more often and whenever those stupid shoelaces don’t untie, you scream aloud inside. Calm down! Go take anger management training, do some relaxation and practice meditation. And do flip the pages of my book A Story Can Change Your Life for more stuff on anger. It will help you, for sure!

Click here to watch the YouTube full video on A Story Can Change Your Life- By Life Coach Ritu Singal

2. Getting More Frustrated

If the pretty harmless noises children make while playing at home and the sound of a distant speaker is making you clench your teeth and jaws and you launch a full-fledged frontal attack on those around you, it’s time for a pause. You’re reacting unduly harsher to those you love – something not in sync with your character. You blow up your fuse over little things you can’t control because you’re not assuming responsibility for the big things in your control.

3. The X Factor

If you live the same year 100 times over, that’s not LIFE. If you don’t have a self-improvement milestone to differentiate one month from the next e.g. gaining more strength, more clients, spiritual upliftment —the months will soon turn into years multiplied by X. It can be scary and is another reason for a wake-up alarm.

4. Mother of distractions

The lack of absolute commitment towards making the most of your time makes you fill your time with useless stuff. It leaves you listless and unfulfilled. So if Instagram, Facebook and Twitter are your second abode, it’s time to apply the brakes and take a break. 

5. Single but wanna mingle

Singlehood may be a hidden blessing as it gives you all the time and space to take care of yourself, heal old wounds, and become what you want to be, no holds barred. But if the usual distractions aren’t fulfilling enough, you develop a rapacious appetite for someone to occupy your time.

But imagine if you command the full ownership of yourself, and you’re working to make each day better than yesterday, relationships don’t bother you as you’re satisfied and happy with your life.

6. Those never-ending projects

Lately, all those cool projects are just not getting done. The list keeps on getting longer and it only hurts your self-confidence to see those important tasks piling up day after day.

7. Bulging waist

You stay off your routine a little and sooner rather than later, it becomes a month since you’ve exercised regularly, which is affecting your body and mind. Very soon, you settle into your new routine of there being no routine. You get the point!

8. No longer an example

You were the guy to look up for family, friends and colleagues. You always took pride in setting an example by offering a useful insight or motivation to others but of late, you aren’t adding as much value as you used to. And you long for that exalted status you enjoyed in the past!

9. That Rut Feeling

You feel having slipped into a rut – nothing forward, nothing backward like an animal making an old-style oil extractor work by circling it. And to make it worse, you aren’t motivated enough to make a forward move to get out of it. There you are!

10. Promises broken

You had a well-earned reputation for keeping your word. If a belief or a principle or a cause really mattered to you, you stuck to it as a youngster does to his smartphone. But now things are sliding as your words are becoming less and less reliable. In fact,  you’re not keeping your promises to yourself even.

So, how do I get a self-improvement reboot?

Falling out of routine is no cause for shame as that’s life. We become parents. We change and lose jobs. Our marriages get on the rocks. We get injured or sick. All that and much more is OK.

Now, the only thing that matters is that you return to the top of your game and stop making excuses. Take 100% ownership of yourself and your actions; be honest with yourself and have a self-improvement month to tell the world who you really are.

1. Digital Detox

Have a complete social media and tech fast for an entire month and restrict yourself to only three email and message checks a day.  The commitment to refrain from such low-value addition activities is the foundation stone of your reboot. Distractions threaten your productivity big time, so it’s time to throw them out of the window: social media, TV, Netflix and the like (Fret not, you can restore them after the fast is over.) But it’s imperative to format and reboot daily habits to let you focus on high-value habits and actions that boost your confidence.

2. Stick to a simple, effective, repeatable  daily routine for a month

Here we go: A. 5 minutes each of

1. gratitude
2. prayer
3. visualization and
4. affirmations

Followed by

1. A 30-minute exercise routine
2. An hour of work before any message/email checks
3. 20-minute meditation in the afternoon
4. writing a journal before bed and planning the next day.

Following it can inculcate discipline and a sense of momentum that aids good decision making.

Make a list of the biggest excuses you make and the things that cause them and refrain from all for a month. For example, if your biggest grouse is about the lack of enough time, list down all the things that suck up your time, and commit to stop doing them.

3- List daily goals as the week begins

List down your goals for your career, education, self-improvement, fitness, and all else that you want to do. Transfer these goals to your daily planner every night so that you know the most important things you have got to do tomorrow. Refer to the planner frequently to keep yourself updated.

4. Get your accountability buddy. NOW!

Accountability really works. But for you, when you’ve been off the track, it’s all even more important. Have  a buddy – a best friend, a preacher, a mentor or your father. It’s quite easy to rationalize you missed x y or z goals, so you need someone to alert you to the bluff when you think of taking the easy way out. Many of my clients often tell me, “The accountability buddies are great! Whenever I’m going to make an excuse, this ‘But what would I tell him? is a  powerful roadblock.”