Abusive marriages are by far the saddest aspect of any relationship. Staying in an abusive relationship or marriage is counterintuitive to onlookers. Many couples do not even realize that they are in an abusive relationship. Family and friends start wondering why people don’t just leave if the marriage is abusive.
However, the situation is not as simple as it appears. Most of the time, I have seen couples have genuine reasons to stay in such marriages. Different people have different perspectives as a victim of abuse.
I have seen so many people who are ready to bear abuse just for the sake of love or family. Once I was giving a lecture on women empowerment at a renowned place. A woman in her mid-30s came to me to talk.
As we were talking, she told me how she’s confused if her marriage is abusive, and if she should stay. She told me how her husband and her mother-in-law play manipulative games causing mental abuse to her. She has been married for 5 years and has a beautiful daughter.
She told how once her husband came home drunk and was about to hit their daughter for not completing her homework. As soon as she saw it, she stood to the defense of her daughter. On not letting him touch his daughter, he hit his wife hard. The incident shook her completely. Now, she had started thinking if she was even safe here.
The next morning as she went to discuss the incident with her mother-in-law, she was amazed to see her response. Her mother-in-law told her that you’ve got what you deserved and there’s nothing wrong with her son.
As she was telling this incident to me, tears started rolling down her cheeks. I asked her why she is even a part of such a toxic relationship. To this, she said, I have a small daughter, where will I go if I leave him?” Who will take care of our child? I don’t want my daughter to not have a father.
Her fears and reasons were rational, but her marriage was still abusive. I asked her to enroll in a counseling session with me for abusive marriages. Today, she is an independent entrepreneur, and her husband loves her more than ever. Counseling can help couples in ways they have no idea about.
5 reasons why people stay in an abusive marriage
Many days, many people meet me who live in an abusive marriage. When asked why they are still involved in such relationships, I hear various reasons. Here I have collected the five main reasons why people are ready to stay in an abusive marriage.
Most of the time, in women it is seen that they are too scared to leave their husbands. Some people have such low self-esteem that they believe they deserve this violence. They think they’ll never find someone else or who will accept them.
This low self-esteem gives the abuser even more power. I know it takes courage to move away from an abuser, but if you’ll lose your confidence, you may not be able to gather enough courage to ever move away.
I remember I met a lady who is now 78 years old, tall, smart, and very well educated. In fact, she was the daughter of an IAS officer. Her husband, however, was highly abusive.
So much so that he used to bring women to home to exploit and harass her. He would get sexually involved with those women in front of her wife. She was virtually tortured.
She came to me for counseling in a very devastated state. When I asked her why doesnt she leave him, she said she doesnt know where to go and what to do without him. When I asked her daughter, she said she had been seeing her mother suffer since childhood.
Even when her children were ready to start a new life without their father, she did not have the confidence. She was emotionally dependent and weak. It is the kind of mindset people have in abusive relationships.
Today, most people marry the love of their life. With time when love starts fading, and relationships become monotonous. Violence isn’t something that happens daily. Abusive relationships include episodes of violence. Now, the time between the episodes of violence you two might love each other.
It gets very difficult to get out of such relationships. When you are unable to choose between love and happiness. It gets harder to walk away from someone you love.
Many times leaving an abusive marriage is not an option because you might not have a way to support your family or yourself. Housewives are generally completely dependent on their husbands for financial support.
An abusive marriage seems an easier option than leaving your partner. If you have children, then it becomes even more critical for you to choose between an abusive marriage or a happy family.
I have seen in many cases that people are scared of filing for a divorce because of the pressure from their parents. Their parents constantly urge them to adjust even if they aren’t safe there. It is because they think no one will be ready to marry someone who’s a divorcee. Another reason for avoiding divorce is due to the religious beliefs of some people.
Many people don’t know, but there are different types of abusers. Some abusers threaten their victims to not open their mouths to anyone. The threats can also vary, like harming the kids or stalking them.
It is because of all these fears and threats that the victim gets too scared to open up about the abuse to anyone. It starts impacting the victim’s mental health adversely.
How to identify an abusive marriage?
When most people think of abusive partners, they think of physical violence. While physical violence is a serious concern, there are many other types of abuse. These include sexual, psychological, or emotional abuse to gain control over the other person. If you are unsure if you are in an abusive marriage, here are some pointers to check.
The first thing to know if you are in an abusive marriage is your safety. Think whether you feel safe or not. Constant threats to hurt you or your loved ones is a common trait of abusers.
Does your partner feel sorry after hurting you? You might not be in an abusive relationship if everything goes well in your relationship. A single episode cannot make your marriage abusive. If your partner feels guilty for hurting you and loves you immensely, then maybe it was just a one-time episode.
Understand how your partner talks to you and treats you. Abuse is not only physical. If you are not satisfied emotionally, or if you feel your partner disrespects you, you can be in an abusive relationship. You should specifically consider their behavior in public places.
Sexual abuse is another most common type of abuse these days. The myth that you owe your partner sex if you are married is completely baseless. Even if you enjoy having sex with your partner, it should never be without their consent. No healthy partner would force you to perform any sexual activity that you don’t want to.
Recheck your freedoms. Another type of mental abuse is the kind of freedom you have in your relationship. I see many partners who are highly dominating. They always tell their partner what to do and what not to. From what to wear to what to eat, they want to put orders on their partners.
How to get out of an abusive relationship?
Taking the right decision in an abusive marriage can be arduous. When everyone around you gives a different perspective, it gets impossible to decide what is right for you and what isn’t.
My counseling is specially designed to help people suffering from an abusive relationship. I understand it gets hard to get out of the physical and emotional trauma.
My counselings are meant to guide you and divert you to the right path. If you are being abused by your partner, always remember:
You are not to blame for being mistreated. Even if people say bad things to you, keep your head high as only you know your struggle.
Your partner is not abusive because of you, it is their nature and habits. You don’t have to feel guilty for their actions.
You and your children deserve a calm and respectful life.
You don’t have to feel threatened and unsafe any more.
Do not feel alone. We are here to help you.
Why our abusive marriage counseling service?
I have vast experience in mending people with broken relationships. I understand the damage an abusive marriage can cause either of the two partners.
I understand that healing from an abusive marriage is a tiring and arduous process. However, you don’t have to feel you are alone in all this. We are here to help you heal from abusive marriages.
Most of the time, I see clients who lose trust in love and relationships after being in abusive and toxic relations. I have helped many clients come out of this trauma, and I can help you too.
Healing is a long and slow process, but you’ll heal. If you can relate to any of the things discussed here and are facing similar situations, feel free to consult us today.