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In very simple terms, your self-esteem is your overall sense of yourself as a person i.e. self-value. It is basically your own opinion about yourself and covers a vast range of issues- your sense of identity, self-confidence, feelings of worth, competence and belonging. Self-esteem plays an extremely crucial role in many areas of life e.g. achievement, task completion, success etc., which is why having a poor self-esteem can be a serious psychological problem.

Self-esteem is not only liking yourself in general; rather it also implies a belief that you deserve love, respect and attention and valuing your own thoughts, feelings, opinions, interests, and goals. Self-esteem not only affects how you feel about and treat yourself, it can also affect how you let others treat you. It impacts the levels of your motivation to chase the goals you want to achieve in life and your ability to develop healthy and  supportive relationships.

What is low self-esteem?

People with healthy self-esteem tend to think positively about themselves and life in general. Such people know they are valuable and can name at least some positive qualities they have like “I am a good co-worker”, “I am compassionate”, “I am honest”, or “I am good as a parent”.

On the contrary, people with poor self-esteem see themselvjes, the world and the future negatively and critically. They may be anxious, sad, low or unmotivated and upon encountering challenges, they doubt their ability to handle them. They may indulge in harsh self-talk: “I am stupid”, “I’ll never manage it”, or “I’m crap”.

A person suffering from low self-esteem may try to please others or go the extra mile to please friends and family. So long as they meet these standards, they feel OK, but there will be times when it’s not possible to do so, and it can leave them feeling low and anxious.

Self-esteem can be thought of as existing on a spectrum. Some such people find that it only affects them with certain people or in certain situations. On the other hand, other people may find that their self-esteem may be much more global and colors everything that they do.

Diagnosis of Low self-esteem

Low self-esteem should be diagnosed by a qualified mental health professional. However, answering these questions can give you a good idea of whether you need to have a professional assessment for a proper diagnosis.

1. I feel I’m worthy, at least as much as others are.

 Strong agreement    Agreement   Disagreement Strong disagreement

2. Overall, I am satisfied with myself.

 Strong agreement    Agreement   Disagreement Strong disagreement

3. I have never felt useless or worthless.

Strong agreement    Agreement   Disagreement Strong disagreement

4. tend to give myself kind encouragement if things go wrong.

 Strong agreement    Agreement   Disagreement Strong disagreement

5. I have many good qualities.

 Strong agreement    Agreement   Disagreement Strong disagreement

 They can’t provide a definitive diagnosis, but if you have selected ‘Strong disagreement’ for many of these questions, you may be having problems with low self-esteem. You may speak to a qualified mental health professional about it in order to get relevant help.

Low Self-Esteem- Signs and symptoms

Poor self-esteem affects thoughts, emotions, and patterns of behavior. Many a time, its signs may be apparent, but in some cases, they can be much more subtle and harder to detect. Some low self-esteem people talk negatively about themselves, while others go the extra mile to please others in life. In either case, the lack of personal worth can negatively impact a person’s life and wellness.

1. Negative Social Comparisons

Social comparisons can work positively by enhancing a person’s sense of self and by motivating others towards greater, higher action. But such comparisons can also damage self-esteem. People with low self-esteem are more likely to do upward social comparison, or making comparisons with people who they think are better than them.

In fact, upward social comparison isn’t bad per se. In fact, these comparisons may provide information and inspiration for improvement but if people are left with feelings of inadequacy or hopelessness, it can inhibit self-esteem. Comparisons need to be made very tactfully and carefully so as to counter their possible negative consequences. In fact, it needs to be evaluated how the listener takes to such caparisons and how the said comparison is made.

The ubiquitous impact of social media may worsen the problems related to such comparisons. People who often compare themselves unfavorably to others on social media like Facebook and Instagram may experience a hit to their self-esteem.

2. Low Confidence

People having low self-confidence have poor self-esteem. Having self-confidence and confidence in your abilities allows you to know that you can handle different situations. This self-belief makes you feel comfortable and confident while you navigate the different things in life, which plays an important role in success  and your overall well-being.

Low self-esteem contributes to a lack of confidence, but poor confidence can also cause or worsen low self-esteem. Therefore, finding ways to gain self-confidence and confidence in your abilities can help. Trying to practice and acquire new skills can boost your confidence and self-esteem.

3. Feelings of lack of Control and Helplessness

Low-esteem people often have a feeling of having little control over their life or what happens to them. It may be attributed to their feeling that they have little ability to changes themselves or the world. With this external locus of control, they may feel powerless to do anything to solve the problems they are facing.

In situations where people have little control over what happens, higher self-esteem can help relieve some negative effects of this lack of control, which ultimately benefits their mental health.

So, for someone struggling with a feeling of having no control over life or situation, finding ways to improve self-esteem may help their well-being.

4. Problems Asking for What You Need

A person with low self-esteem may have difficulty in asking for what they need. Because of their low self-esteem, they feel they don’t deserve help and in fact, may feel embarrassed or incompetent by expressing their need for help and support. Since they don’t prioritize their desires, they feel problems with asserting themselves while they are in need.

5. Trouble Accepting Positive Feedback

A 2017 study published in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology says that people suffering from low self-esteem cannot accept or capitalize on others’ praise, approval or compliments. Due to the lack of  a positive self-opinion, such people have difficulties with accept compliments from others.

Interestingly, such positive feedback is often greeted with suspicion and distrust by them as these words do not align with their self-beliefs. Therefore, the low self-esteem people may feel that the other person is actually being flippant or even deceitful or cruel.

6. Worry and Self-Doubt

Such people often worry about having made a wrong choice. They doubt their own opinions and may often defer to others’ opinions instead of following their own choices. It can often cause much second-guessing and self-doubting, which makes it even harder for them to make important life decisions.

7. Fear of Failure

Due to the lack of self-confidence, such people doubt their own ability to achieve success. They fear failure and either avoid challenges or give up quickly without trying hard.

Such fear of failure is seen in acting out when things go wrong, looking for ways to hide feelings of inadequacy, excuses, blaming external factors and trying to downplay the importance of the task.

8. Poor Outlook

Low self-esteem makes such people hapless in that there is little chance of future being any better. This hopelessness can make it hard for them to bring about positive changes in their lives.

Self-harm is also a common technique of coping with such feelings. By finding obstacles to prevent success, low self-esteem lets them find something else to blame for their shortcomings.

9. Negative Self-Talk

Low self-esteem people often focus on their flaws rather than strengths. They always have something negative to say about themselves, blame themselves for things gone wrong and always find some fault with their appearance, personality or abilities.

10. Trying to Please Others

Pleasing others is another common symptom of low self-esteem. Such people may go above and beyond to ensure others’ comfort and happiness and gain external validation. In the process, they neglect their own needs and say yes to things they may not want to do, and feel guilty about saying no.

Impact of Low Self-Esteem

Low self-esteem is linked to many mental health problems like:

• Anxiety                          
• Emotional distress          
• Risky behaviors               
• Substance use                 
• lack of concentration
• Eating disorders
• Panic disorder
• Social anxiety disorder
• Stress

1. 1.Low self-esteem makes goal achievement and forming healthy, supportive relationships a difficult task. It can also contribute to mental health problems including anxiety and depression. Low self-esteem is also likely to make such people vulnerable to suicidal thinking.
2. Low self-esteem makes people over-sensitive to criticism or rejection. While someone with a high self-esteem can shake off negative feedback, someone with poor self-value may take it more personally, who  is more likely to give up in the face of challenges.

3. They often engage in behaviors designed to help preserve their limited self-worth i.e. acting sad or sulking to garner support from others. Unfortunately, such behaviors backfire and instead of getting the support they need to boost self-esteem, they end up with others’ negative reactions.

Coping with low self-esteem

Low self-esteem takes a heavy toll on emotional well-being. Thus, it’s important to address your sense of self and get the needed support. There are things you can do to protect and improve your self-regard:

1. Hopeful Thoughts

Spend a little time daily having positive, hopeful thoughts. Notice the things you are good at and let  yourself feel proud of them. Think of the past when you made it through something really difficult and remind yourself that though you may not feel your best now, you have the ability to get through it.

2. Care for Yourself

Investing time and energy in your own care and comfort isn’t indulgence —it’s vital to your mental health. Poor self-esteem can give a feeling like you don’t deserve care and consideration. Remind yourself that you need care and show kindness to yourself. Spend some time on things that you enjoy. Give yourself rest and relaxation.

3. Outside Support

Share your struggles with someone – a friend or family member, a doctor, therapist, teacher, or an elder –  who can give you unconditional support. Caring people who value you and want you to value yourself can help you improve your self-esteem.

Causes of low self-esteem

Low self-esteem results from the negative beliefs and opinions you have of yourself. But none is born with such beliefs and they develop from life experiences – How others treat you, particularly during early years can greatly affect how you see yourself. Some experiences that contribute to poor self-esteem are:

Punishment, abuse, neglect

Punishment, abuse, and neglect are very powerful negative experiences. Children affected by them often mistakenly conclude they are bad and deserve such experiences.

 Inadequate warmth, affection, praise, encouragement

You may not remember anything visibly traumatic happening but wonder why you feel this way about yourself as you can develop low self-esteem without any specific negative experiences. It can happen through a deficit of enough positive ones. Lacking enough reinforcement that they are good, special, or loved, children can form an impression of being not good enough.

 Failure to meet others’ expectations

Not meeting someone else’s expectations may cause you to feel you are not good enough. It doesn’t matter whether the standards were fair or balanced, what stays is their failure to meet them.

Inability to fit in with your peer group

The feeling of belonging to a ‘group’ is important in life and is a human survival need in a social sense. Being different or the ‘odd one out’, and therefore, being cast out, especially during adolescence when a personal identity is being created, can impact the sense of self.

How to build self-esteem

Notice Your Thoughts

Pay attention to the automatic negative thoughts you have. Identify your cognitive distortions and replace unhelpful thoughts with positive thinking.

Forgive Yourself

If you always ruminate over your failures, learn to forgive yourself and move on. It can keep you focused on the things you can do better instead of the negative things in the past.

Practice Self-Acceptance

Forget that you have to be perfect to have value. Accept yourself as you are today. Of course, it  doesn’t mean you don’t want to make any changes in yourself, but it is important to recognize that you deserve  love and esteem from yourself and from others.

Value Yourself

Think of the things you have accomplished and take pride in. Appreciate your worth and talents without making comparisons. You don’t need to become better to value yourself, but learning to value yourself can help you work towards your goals.

It can also help to think of yourself as you would a friend. How would you treat someone you care about who is in a similar situation? You may find that you would try to offer them understanding, patience, empathy and kindness. So it is important to show yourself the same unconditional support.

Practical Tips to Build Self-Esteem

Here are some practical tips on how you can build self-esteem:

1. Do something that makes you feel good about yourself.
2. Stay physically active as exercising can help improve your mood.
3. Think about something you are good at to build self-esteem.
4. Keep a gratitude journal.
5. Challenge a negative thought.
6. Spend time with people who make you feel good about you.
7. Volunteer to help others; it helps you feel good about yourself.
8. Remember that everyone makes mistakes, learn from them and move on.
9. Celebrate your accomplishments, both big and small ones to build self-esteem.

Treatments for low self-esteem

A number of psychological treatments have been developed to directly target low self-esteem or self-criticism. The ingredients of effective therapy for low self-esteem include:

1. Identifying core beliefs
2. Identifying your rules for living
3. Developing healthier rules and beliefs for healthy living
4. Testing negative predictions using behavioral experiments
5. Facing fears and tackling anxiety-provoking situations
6. Replacing self-criticism with self-compassion
7. Living according to new core beliefs

In general, no medical treatments are prescribed for low self-esteem. Wherever low self-esteem accompanies other problems like anxiety or depression, medical treatments may be recommended.

Read: Dealing with Depression

Cognitive Behaviour Therapy

Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT) is one of the most effective treatments for low self-esteem. CBT therapists are more focused on what sustains it and what they can do to put it out. If we can grasp what keeps a problem going, we can treat it by interrupting this cycle.

Throughout life, you form negative beliefs about yourself on the basis of how you have been treated i.e. ‘core belief’- how you feel about yourself deep down, for example “I’m useless” or “I’m a flop”. Since confronting such core beliefs is unpleasant, we develop rules of living that protect us from our core beliefs and guide how we live. So long as the rules don’t get broken, the core belief remains dormant. For example, people with poor self-esteem often have demanding and rigid rules like “I must please other people”, or “As long as I’m not criticized, I’m OK”.

But the moment a rule is broken, it can create great anxiety. If one of your rules is “I’m fine as long as all others are happy”, it may cause anxiety if people around you are not happy. You may feel like a failure.

Whenever there is a danger of the rules being broken, you might get anxious about what might happen and fear the worst outcome or might self-talk critically or avoid tricky situations and use coping strategies.

You make rules to protect yourself, but they are often inflexible and stop things from getting better. Although these safety strategies can make you feel good in the short-term, they keep your core belief from changing, thereby keeping your self-esteem poor.

The word personality has become a very common currency in our day to day life and in the current social discourse. It is that tangible-yet-somewhat-unfathomable feature the employers look for among job aspirants and something that people look for in prospective partners. But the billion dollar question is: what is personality, after all, and can we set its boundaries clearly by defining it?

Before we begin talking about personality, let’s try to get it: Personality is not about being a well-dressed, smart-looking person, though it can help. Rather, it is the typical ways in which you perceive the world, think about it and act – all these things make you a unique personality.

Personality goes much beyond superficialities. When we label someone a good personality, we are, in effect, saying that they are interesting and pleasant people to be with. We all would love to look attractive and pleasing and to this end, having a good personality is vitally important: in fact, much more than having just good looks. Of course, we need to work on figuring it out and developing it further.

Since personality is the sum total of your qualities, quirks, characteristics, beliefs, attitudes and psychological traits, personality development would involve an enhancement in all areas of your life. A clutch of factors pertaining to heredity, environment, family and societal conditions play an important role in influencing and shaping personality. Therefore, one would need to work in all these areas to bring about a well-rounded development.

Mercifully, there is ample research to suggest that we can certainly change our personality traits provided we want to do so. You can become the best version of yourself. – confident, enthusiastic and serene, if you really want to. A personality that makes you stand out and help you get what you want from life.

The process may take considerable effort, but you can start with these easy and effective techniques and see a perceptible transformation in your whole personality. For those serious about bringing a positive holistic change in their life, personality development may become the most rewarding enterprise one could have ever undertaken.

Based on my experiences as a life coach, here is my To-Do List for having a great personality:

Personality Development Counselling

1. Be kind (towards yourself!)

A feeling of self-compassion brings optimism, extroversion, wisdom, happiness, positivity and resilience. Self-compassion involves three steps:

1. Recognizing that you deserve care and concern and for that to happen, you must be kind and understanding towards yourself.
2. Accepting that making mistakes and facing failures are part and parcel of life. So, do not be hard on yourself when you commit a mistake or face a failure and try to avoid self-criticism.
3. Trying to become self-aware in terms of your emotions and feelings. Of course, self-compassion does not mean imply lack of accountability and recklessness. Rather, it means taking corrective action without getting too self-critical.

2. Celebrate your uniqueness

As a life coach, if I have discovered the biggest myth people have about themselves, it is this: they mostly wish they were someone else. Feel confident in your own skin by not comparing yourself with others as the constant comparisons blocks our own strengths from our views. The other person tends to assume more strength in our mind. But the truth is: you’re unique and incomparable and this uniqueness must be celebrated.

There was a time when you were required on this planet and that’s why you were sent here. In the history of the universe, there has been nobody like you and for an infinite time to come, there won’t be anyone else like you. Existence loved you so much that it broke the mould after making you, so none of your kind will never get born again. That way, you are original, rare, a wonder and a masterpiece. Celebrate your uniqueness.

3. Perfectly imperfect

Some of us are very tall, others quite puny, some obese, others lanky. If we compare ourselves with the currently popular media standards of physical appeal, our imperfections often agitate and trouble us. So much so that getting agitated becomes a habit and our grumpiness becomes a personality trait with age. But remember, people who are relaxed or chilled out, live happier and healthier and can charm people with their relaxed vibes. To feel cooler, give room to imperfections as those around you, the situations and your own personality don’t always have to be the way you want them.

4. Be a good listener

• A Kannada couplet says that words can create laughter and can also create enmity. A skillful communicator can easily win over people and adverse situations. So, bring clarity in your communication with practice. Learn how you can be an excellent communicator using the resources available online and offline.
• Good communication is the time-tested key to good interpersonal relationships. With clear communication, you can navigate through adverse situations and resolve conflicts that might seem unsurpassable at first. So, clear your thoughts and make sure to communicate whatever has  to be said.
• Besides having good speaking skills, it’s important to develop good listening skills too. Listening to someone keenly and carefully makes them feel pampered like nothing else can. It implies giving utmost importance and respect to the speaker and makes you an instantly likeable person. 
• While listening, look the speaker in the eye, hang on to every word said, and make them feel important. Convey your involvement during listening with an occasional hmm of yours and a nod of your head.   
• As for me, I have learnt a lot by becoming a careful listener. Of course, it is essential in my profession as a counselor and life coach in order to draw the other person out fully, but it’s equally important in life, in general.
• Good speaking skills warrant that you call your audience by name. They will just love it! So, ask them their names and while responding to them, address them by their name. I do so frequently in my seminars to build a personal rapport and make them feel comfortable and connected. Calling by name conveys that you consider the other one a living, thriving entity that you really recognize and respect.

In this context, I recall Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis, one of the most charming women thanks to her listening skills. She was known for the way she would look a person in the eyes, catch every word said, and make them feel important. There is nothing more appealing than having someone listen to you intently making you feel like you’re the only person in the world.

5. Diversify your interactions

The more you interact with different kinds of people, the more confident and comfortable you will become. It will expose to a vast range of divergent ideas on different issues and help you develop a holistic and balanced perspective on so many things. As a result, your communication skills improve, and your personality dazzles.

6. Expand your interests

• The secret to becoming an interesting personality is learning – by reading and developing new interests. In this manner, you can share your knowledge and views with others to benefit them. It can make you a good talker as the conversational quality depends on how much you know.
• Remember, no one is a know-all; so it’s quite refreshing to learn new things from other people.
• Develop effective speaking habits to convey your message well. There are plenty of online resources can to help you learn listening, networking and persuasion skills.

7. Travel light

Being light in mind and heart reflects in your behavior with others. People also feel light in your company. A good way to do so is to avoid over thinking and over analysis. Don’t let shame, anger, jealousy or greed stay with you for too long. So, learn to take it easy, forgive quickly and let go of grudges against people as soon as they pop up. Once you’re done with a task, let go of your attachment with the results and when you do so, you become free, calm and relaxed – which all are attributes of a strong personality? You will also feel happy from within. And who does not like happy people?

8. Seed qualities

We don’t really get the qualities we like among our peers with jealousy or insecurity. In fact, that thing only makes us mentally weak. A much healthier way is to applaud the qualities you like among others and recognize that these qualities are within you too like a seed, which you can cultivate with attention and practice. If you are able to foster it, it would be a growth mindset, the kind of attitude designed for success.

9. Be enthusiastic

We all like people with whom we can easily mingle and talk. No one likes to meet a person who responds with a straight face. So be warm and enthusiastic. Flash that smile more often, be friendly and be always ready to share and help others. Your smile is the best add-on to your personality. Put it on when you look at yourself in the mirror, while having a good day, and also on a bad one!

Everyone loves to meet enthusiastic people. Having enthusiasm helps you by making your everyday tasks more enjoyable and by pulling others people towards you. Meditation can help you feel enthusiastic, calm and composed at the same time.

10. Get out of comfort zone

As soon as you push yourself out of your personal comfort zone, you realize many new qualities and potential you never knew about. So, if you are comfortable doing 10 pages of writing a day, try to improve your capacity by a certain ratio. Getting out of a comfort zone can help you polish your problem-solving skills. You may be surprised at the results! Try it!

11. Positivity

• No one would like to be surrounded by a complaint box or those with nothing good to say.
• Be an upbeat person, who lights up a room with personal energy and positivity.
• A warm smile, cheer, and enlivening presence can create wonders.

12. Laugh it off

• Ever heard of black humour – finding humour even in tragic situations, like in the movie Pipli Live? Everyone enjoys being with those people who make us laugh or smile. Try to develop the habit of finding the humorous, quirky side to every situation, however bad it may be. Comic relief is a much welcome and needed diversion at times.
• Adding fun and lightheartedness to a dull setting naturally attracts others and makes them grateful to you.

13. Have opinions

• Reading gives you knowledge, which leads to opinions. It is extremely boring to talk to someone with no opinions.
• Remember, a conversation doesn’t go anywhere if you have nothing to say.
• Having an uncommon or out-of-the-box opinion makes you more stimulating.
• If you are not comfortable to put forth your opinion and disagree on something, try doing that albeit calmly and maturely. You will be surprised at what comes out of you.

14. Be social

• Make a conscious effort to interact with more people, especially those unlike you.
• You get exposed you to different cultures, alternative thoughts, which expands horizons, besides making you more tolerant.

15. Being yourself

• Try to be yourself as trying to be someone you’re not is boring and can’t stay forever.
• Remember, your being unique makes you interesting.

16. Giving a shoulder

• Help out and support others. It endears you very quickly.
• We all love cheerleaders, who encourage us and pick us up while we’re down.

17. Integrity and respect

• Be truthful and honest to your word to earn others’ admiration and respect.
• Integrity and respect for others makes you impressive.

18. Think like a leader

A leader is not just by position; They are people who take responsibilities without waiting for someone else to give them. Just thinking like one can nurture the leadership traits in you. Take  responsibilities and live up to them. It can help you bring change and influence on others.

Leadership qualities that help you to achieve greater success:

19. Stay away from negativity

When you feel good inside, it is reflected on the outside also. And the ideal way to save your mind from negativity is to not resist it but to observe it dissolve itself on a daily basis. Meditation is one way of achieving it.

20. Meditate

With regular meditation, letting go and feeling relaxed becomes quite easy. Daily meditation will also make you more focused and happier, beside yielding many other health benefits.

21. Be a lion

Don’t cave into outside pressures and try to face all challenges confidently. Either you will overcome adversity or learn something precious. It’s a win-win situation, either way! Being calm strengthens one’s personality. However, staying calm may be difficult when you have a terrible headache and arte having an urgent deadline to meet. In such a situation, tap the power of breathing. An awareness of your breathing can help you find calmness amidst any kind of situation.

22. You’re a proton

A proton never loses its positivity. Nor can you. Stress may affect us often on the outside but your inner core keeps radiating positivity like a proton does by being unaffected, happy and peaceful. Tune into this part of yourself with the help of meditation to energize yourself and bring out positive traits like enthusiasm.

23. Be Optimistic and grateful

Positivity is the key to a healthy and peaceful life. So expelling negativity from your life will certainly improve your mental stability. Studies show that positive thoughts reduce depression and anxiety to a substantial level.

Remember to practice gratitude and be thankful for all the small and big things that you take for granted. You may not wear the best shoes, but look at those without feet and you will start feeling grateful for your incredible feet that can take you anywhere, anytime. There are many who lack even such basic human luxuries.

24. Be confident

Cultivating confidence is the first step towards personality enhancement. Confidence gives rise to self-motivation and makes one aware of their inner capabilities. Science shows that when people feel confident, the chemical changes happening in their brain lead them to a point when they actually start believing it. So, have confidence and know, whatever happens, you can handle it successfully and you, actually, will.

25. Never quit

When people lose hope, they feel like quitting. Quitting is one of the worst things you can do while building self-confidence or while improving the quality of life. Remember, you owe it to yourself to take a second chance and achieve the dream that keeps you up at night. And whenever you feel like quitting, think about why you started in the first place.

26. Don’t compare

Everyone has their own story. No two people are identical. However, we have a common tendency to focus on what others achieve instead of seeing how far they have reached.

To achieve success, assess ‘your’ abilities, analyze ‘your’ situation and develop a plan that works for “your” goals.

27. Don’t chase perfection

No one in this world is perfect. Every person has flaws. So when faced with criticism, accept it if it’s positive and let it go if it’s not. Have a habit of looking at your flaws objectively and work on them to eliminate them one step at a time.

28. Be focused

By developing focus, you can channelize your personal energy to the most critical aspects of your life. Decide your priorities and focus on them. Try to know what matters most to you and avoid distractions that derail you on the way.

29. Dress confidently

Everyone has bodily flaws and feels incompetent from time to time. But dressing in what one feels comfortable and confident, can help you tide over tough situations.

30. Rome wasn’t built in a day

Many traits like the ability to let go, feeling light, enthusiasm and so on can’t be made a part of  personality overnight. You need time, effort and a change from within to achieve such transformation. Breathing awareness and meditation can bring out this inner change by removing deep-rooted stress, which results in a calmer, stronger, and happier person.

Our work defines our very being – what we are all about. Our work determines where we spend about one-thirds of our adult life, gives us a professional identity, dictates our living standards, where and how we enjoy ourselves after work, where and how we live and where our children study and play. Quite simply, our workplace is the fount of most of what we experience in our routine life.

Naturally, an employee always dreams of a dream workplace, where they get to work in a congenial, facilitating and enabling environment, which allows them to meet professional and personal aspirations. On the other side, the employer would like to have a proficient, dedicated, sincere and result-oriented worker. Luckily, should the twain meet at all (which does happen many a time), it can be a hunky dory situation. But unfortunately, the commonplace reality is starkly different from it.

Workplace challenges have become a common source of stress in today’s workplace. Of course, it is utopian to expect a workplace having roles, expectations, and personalities in perfect tandem, without any conflict and a happily-ever-after scenario! But we all know well how many marriages are actually made in heaven! The reality bites hard and quite often, results in many workplace challenges, which affect the employees and the employer. However, the workplace challenge an employee faces is hardly ever totally personal; it mostly becomes an organizational issue, which has the potential to create a severe crisis in many cases. 

Common Employee Problems

In the coming few paragraphs, we’ll talk about some common employee problems and solutions:

1. Fitting In

Assimilating themselves into a new work culture can be frustrating for a new employee. A good solution to this problem is to let the new joinee know coworkers by working in teams. Teamwork fosters common interests, builds trust and friendships. Remember, though asking a question may cost something, not asking it costs even more; so, if you don’t understand something, ask in a friendly and respectful manner.

Attitude, manners, and work habits – all of them indicate that you are a professional. We need to keep in mind that there’s nothing like a one-size-fits-all work culture. Now, there are those corporations which encourage casual dressing and come-as-you-please office timings but there are many more with far stricter rules. Experts recommend an acculturation policy for new recruits else they take many things for granted and flounder on their way.

Though office gossip is inevitable, it has marred many a career. One never really knows the real intentions of the guy with whom they are gossiping at coffee time. The other guy may be actually provoking you to come out with something negative by making negative comments about your boss. Alert: Avoid the trap and as far as possible, stay away from it. Gossip travels faster than you think!

A new employee has to wait to earn the co-workers’ trust. Therefore, listen and observe before you suggest any changes in a solution-oriented approach. And while doing so, be clear-headed, fair and reasonable.

Mistakes do happen all the time and are a necessary evil, so to say. Admit them, apologize and move on as giving excuses or covering up compounds the problem. Evolve a solution to fix the problem at the earliest. Forgive yourself, and move on.

Suppose while working on a crucial task, owing to an unintentional mistake, some issues happened which could delay the deadline.

• Don’t panic!
• Admit your fault and assume the full responsibility, regardless of whether it was unintentional.
• Explain the details of what happened and how plan to lessen the damage.
• Learn your lessons. It won’t correct the mistake, but you won’t lose your manager’s trust by a fair margin.

2. The “boss” of all problems

The “boss problem” looks to be the “boss” of workplace challenges. The problems employees have with their bosses can be emotionally and physically taxing. They often come from a boss’s working style, which is very often dependent on their personality. But no less common reason is the employee’s working style.

In these cases, from an employee’s angle, the first thing to do is finding out what the boss does / does not do that upsets him. The next thing is asking why. It is helpful to examine the problem from both the sides – yours and the boss’s. Make a plan about how to talk it out with the boss and do not blame, accuse or vent your anger as anger drains energy and can create unpleasant situations for you. Instead, try to adopt a collective “we” approach, thereby indicating your organizational belongingness.

3. A different piece of cake

You were hired in your chosen department, but with time and a change in requirements, your duties have changed, and you have to do the work you were never interested in or had never expected to do. Fret not, have an open talk with your manager in a calm, collaborative tone and explain how your task doesn’t match the profile you’ve been interested in. While doing so, provide a clear picture of your wants and request them to adjust your work accordingly. Their response may be in your favor or not, but it can help your reporting manager think of utilizing your skills more effectively without affecting your level of interest in your work.

4. Too much workload

Sometimes due to a proactive approach on your part or to fill in for an absent employee, you may have to take up extra work. It may become unmanageable as you will have to discharge the extra burden besides your own tasks that you need to complete. To tackle this one, explain to your reporting manager that your workload isn’t bearable, along with specific details about why. You can make a request to add a resource for less urgent work or you can make a proposal of setting priorities, which they could approve.

5. Problems with coworkers

The workplace counselling services need to recognize the importance of coworker problems, which ought to rank pretty much at the top of the grievance list. Fortunately, most workplaces have regular, normal, everyday people. But, in case your coworker is a difficult person, you’ll need to polish your interpersonal skills a little. Since you cannot choose the colleagues you would like to work with, the trick lies in dealing with them tactfully, thereby minimizing your own problems. Handling difficult coworkers, bosses and customers is a valuable skill worth learning for everyone. Similarly, solving workplace challenges can be difficult but is greatly rewarding in the long run.

Some coworkers tend to relish the negativity they spread. They dislike their job as well as the company they are working for. A coworker may chew gum loudly or bring up personal issues at the office, while another one may have personal hygiene problems. You have to tackle them upfront if you want to have some peace at your workplace. You have to develop courage and confidence to tell them that these issues annoy you and lower office productivity.

6. Communication problems

Most employees face the huge challenge of understanding different communication styles at the workplace. In general, in order to be effective, communication should be understood properly by the recipient, as has been intended by the sender. The lack of effective communication impedes team efficiency and adversely impacts the employee’s trust.

Experts say that though communication problems are related to the many office obstacles, they mostly imply a challenge – of reconciling and managing the different perspectives effectively.

Research reveals that corporates having open communication channels have happier, more productive and satisfied workers. Such a system fosters creativity, too.  A tried-and-tested and powerful tool is to make employees speak openly and fearlessly with “let’s try to know more”. Besides being a useful tool when you can’t grasp something, it also helps when you think you know what the employee is trying to say.

Because of poor communication, deadlines get missed and work gets done ineffectively or isn’t done at all.  Try to have the following:

Open door policy: With easily approachable managers, the employees can air their grievances whenever necessary.

Clear chain of command: With clear reporting structures, the workers should know who they’re supposed to report to avoid confusion and ensure accountability.

Clear line of authority: A clear line of authority refers to the number of employees who report to a specific person. If there are too many employees reporting to a supervisor, it’s going to cause confusion and inefficiency.

7. Employee training and development

Many companies just throw their new employee into the ring; in effect, asking them to learn on their own via the trial and error method, which is unstructured, confusing, is fraught with dangers and takes much longer time. And there are others, which provide formal training, but not in the right way. Both are equally bad in terms of good business performance.

Formal, structured employee training and development related directly to the employee’s job description is, therefore, imperative to get the best out of them. The training must answer the question – how can employees best achieve the objectives attached to their positions? Besides, the training programme needs to focus on fostering accountability. Every skill so taught has to be coupled with performance accountability, which obviously requires the employer to assess each employee’s progress. In many cases, the word training never finds another mention once the initial round is over.

Another important requirement for effective training is hiring the right trainer for the task. Quite often, such training is given by the human resources people, who may know a lot about people management but have no practical exposure to the subject of such training. Having veteran people with substantial on-the-job experience is a much better idea, instead, to ensure good learning.

8. Employees counselling

Among employee problems, workplace stress is quite common. Lakhs of cases of workplace stress are discovered every year owing to overwork, lack of a clearly defined job role, lack of professional advancement, stagnation, bullying etc. It is high time workplace counselling services paid attention to this aspect as it severely affects employee morale and workplace productivity.

I can recall the 40-year old Gunja Billu, a police officer, who had come to me with several stress-related symptoms thanks to her job issues. Gunja Billu was facing high pressure due to the high performance demands of her job. As a result, she was having sleep problems, a declining appetite, muscular tension and frequent headaches.

She was helped to identify those thinking patterns, which were contributing to her stress e.g. developing unrealistic expectations of herself. In fact, she used to focus too much on the small mistakes committed in the course of work, while totally ignoring the praise and positive feedback she often got from her superiors. She was trained to learn meditation exercises and breathing techniques to bring down her stress levels. With counseling, she successfully adopted a more realistic approach and accepted that mistakes were inevitable while also acknowledging her good performance. Besides, she was advised to create a work-life balance with the help of regular exercise and relaxation.

9. Lack of employee recognition

Very few employers really grasp the importance and the high of giving a pat on the back for something good an employee has done. Being thrifty with using praise and recognition is certainly a bad management idea. Though it’s nice to get commendations and awards at the workplace, a frequent Thank You and Well Done are much bigger motivators. The employers need to understand and keep in mind the fact that recognition doesn’t always have to be financial; rather, beyond a certain point, it hardly works. In fact, what matters far more and far longer is the value placed by an employer in an employee, often shown by such tokens of appreciation like Letters of Appreciation, Employee of the Month and Star of the Year awards etc. Unlike cash, which is ultimately burnt, sooner or later, they last a lifetime and are cherished forever by the recipients.

In this context, a major cause of employee discontent in many companies is the lack of transparency and clarity in the parameters used to give such recognition. So instead of doing the good job of motivating an employee, it results in annoying many others. Therefore, the moral is clear – keep it open, clear and transparent.

10. Ineffective performance appraisals

In a routinely ineffective performance appraisal, the boss does all the talking despite not knowing what is being talked about. To make the performance appraisals really effective, the employer has to recognize the stakes by doing a good amount of homework. The superior should use the employee’s job description to review their job performance besides taking the employee’s personal assessment of his performance and then look for the performance gaps, if any. And as a standard accepted practice, the superior need to first focus on the employee’s strengths before going to those areas, which need some improvement on the employee’s part.

11. Workplace Bullying

Bullying doesn’t happen just in schools, colleges and playgrounds. And it can cause not only permanent psychological scars, but also adversely affects the worker’s job performance as it doesn’t let him put in his best in the job. Mostly, the bully here is one in a position of authority, influence or control. The object of bullying is one who is relatively powerless, who enjoys little control over their circumstances and has little access to means of redressal.  

Workplace bullying can range from adopting condescending behavior and gossiping to exclusion or even violence. First, try to handle it on your own by confronting the bully calmly and confidently by telling him his comments/actions offend you and give him a chance for improvement. But be prepared for the consequences as bullying can often escalate to higher levels or higher forms once the perpetrator gets exposed.

Make your superiors aware of the good work you have been doing in your company. It can help you a lot as bullies often try to spread rumors about your not doing your job well. A fear of retaliation keeps many employees from reporting such bullying to the employer. Keeping a record of the bully’s behavior and talking to someone trusted within the company can also be helpful.

The 20-something Jangbir was being constantly bullied by a senior co-worker, making her work environment quite stifling and uncomfortable. She developed a strong feeling of anxiety before going to office and often skipped office altogether to avoid facing it. But obviously, it didn’t help her and that’s when she visited a therapist. She was brought to realize that she didn’t have to accept the office environment as an unchangeable reality and that she could take steps to feel more comfortable. She was asked to speak to her boss about why her work was suffering and was advised to meet her co-worker and her boss. Many fruitful discussions later, Jangbir began to feel more confident about dealing with her coworkers.

12. Being Overlooked for Promotion

Just imagine working hard for so long to get it, waiting anxiously to break the news to your spouse. But….. once again, it’s your colleague who gets a promotion. Being refused something never makes one feel good, but you should accept it gracefully instead of whining or complaining about it.

The key to avoiding such issues lies in implementing open and transparent systems in organizations. If the worker knows about the performance deliverables in advance and there are regular performance feedbacks, there would be little reasons for such grouses.     

Still, if you aren’t happy with such a management decision, here is something sensible you can do:  Talk to your boss about what you can do to get a promotion next time. You might learn many surprising, new things about yourself and get an idea about how your superiors look at you and their expectations of your performance. To prepare a strong case for yourself,

• Make a list of your past successes and the major projects handled successfully to let your coworkers know about your accomplishments.
• Keep learning new skills / updating job skills to stay marketable and in demand.
• Show initiative and leadership to present yourself as being concerned and keen to improve your company’s performance.
• If you think your boss has allocated much more work than you think he should, thank yours stars! He has done so as he trusts you with newer responsibilities. So try to be proactive and welcome any new responsibilities that come your way!
• Try to learn from your seniors in the company.
• Let your boss know about your hunger for advancement.

13. Hitting the Glass Ceiling

If you believe you have gone to the far end with the present employer, you might have touched the “glass ceiling.” Though you can see through the ceiling to the next position, you are unable to reach it. Besides working towards promotion, you may combat the glass ceiling effect by

1. Proving your worth to your employer and identifying which traits and skills they look for at the time of promotion.
2. Talking to your superiors about your career goals and how to achieve them.
3. Fostering your relationships with your co-workers

You can future-proof yourself against all workplace eventualities by anticipating the future and minimizing the effects of shocks from future events by deploying the right strategies at the workplace.

Human life is about relationships – of all kinds, between parents and children, siblings, spouses and others. Of course, the one between spouses is what forms the basis of human civilization and makes it grow. Spousal relationships may suffer from all kinds of imperfections, with every couple facing its unique challenges. Yet, some couples flourish while others tend to flounder. The truth is that happy relationships do not happen by chance; they need to be worked on.

Human habits exert a powerful impact on a relationship, more so in a conjugal relationship. You can foster positive or negative habits and once you begin to practice them, they eventually become an unconscious act. Certain habits can have a powerful, positive impact on a relationship. Therefore, it’s important to be conscious about creating routines in a relationship. Of course, to make a habit second nature, you’ll need to make efforts to practice them daily for about 21 days.  

I, being a life coach, often get to handle many cases involving troubled marriages. Therefore, I genuinely believe that marriage counselling should be taken much more seriously by would-be partners so that they truly understand what it takes to build a long-term, happy partnership. The sad fact is that in our society, most parents believe that people automatically learn the art of living conjugal life successfully. They do not!

As a life coach, I take them through the changes that are inevitable post-marriage and also expose them to the many adjustments they need to make. Many of the ideas about marriage harboured by would-be partners obviously come from the media, movies, literature etc. and are obviously distorted. And when their romantic, utopian notions conflict with hard realities, they feel jolted out of slumber.  Effective marriage counseling can help avert such accidents by sensitizing the partners to what they should realistically expect and the adjustments they need to do to make a success of their marriage.  

12 Habits To Keep Your Relationships Strong

Here’s on to my Top 12 List of the habits happy, healthy couples practice:

1. Show respect in your relationship

Anyone giving you relationship advice will tell you that showing respect is essential to a happy, healthy and durable relationship. Expressing respect equals showing love, acceptance, and warmth and conversely, your disrespect expresses the lack of acceptance for your partner on your part. Respecting a person is all about valuing them, including the differences and the imperfections they have. Your having a different outlook towards life doesn’t mean that you should disrespect your partner. Even to change the other one’s perspective, you need to accept it first.

Disagreements between marital partners are natural. But make sure that you respect your partner’s point of view and do not disrespect him/her publicly or in front of friends and family. Handling differences can make all the difference to your relationship.

2. Praise publicly

During marriage counseling, this is one of the best pieces of relationship advice I could give anyone. Who doesn’t like to be showered with compliments? Praising your spouse before others will help deepen your relationship. Contrarily, criticizing your partner will only build a wall between the two of you. Always arguing and criticizing each other in public eventually destroys a relationship by creating mistrust and lack of connect and respect. So, make it a habit to express your spouse’s positive attributes to others to foster mutual admiration, fondness and love.

3. Appreciate daily

Healthy relationships work on positivity, intimacy and mutual connect. But its expression doesn’t have to be elaborate; just being sincere is enough. In my life coaching practice, I have encountered several such couples seeking relationship advice, who often complain of not being appreciated by their partners. Remember, we all love to be validated by our partners and expressing gratitude regularly goes a long mile in this direction.

Appreciate your partner any which way. Do it daily. It could be as simple as leaving a love note before leaving for work or bringing home flowers in the evening. You just need to find out your partner’s love language and express your appreciation in that language. If your partner loves quality time with you, “turn off” and focus your attention on your partner. Whichever love language your spouse speaks, try to speak the same language.

4. Accept in totality

YES! Mutual acceptance of each other- including their friends, families, imperfections, eccentricities, everything – is the key here. Your mother-in-law may irk you by repeatedly asking you about your oh-so-long-awaited pregnancy. Or your hubby’s best friend may be fond of cracking his favourite poor jokes on every occasion. It’s natural to get annoyed with our partner’s friends and family. But a happy couple also recognizes that it’s best to just smile and let it pass in the interest of their relationship (Except when the friend/relative is a toxic person.)

5. Fight Fairly

No exceptions here! Every couple disagrees and argues but sometimes it happens more often than we want it to. But regular disagreements do not always indicate an unhealthy relationship. Rather, how the challenges are handled by the couple determines its health.

My relationship advice – while fighting, try to stay away from the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse – criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling as they all are proven to diminish the durability of relationships.

• Criticism

Criticizing your partner is different from offering a critique or complaining. Critiques and complaints are about specific issues, while criticism amounts to a personal attack at the core of one’s character.

Complaint: “You should’ve called me to tell that you were getting late. Did you forget that we had agreed on that last time?”

Criticism: “You are just being so selfish, you aren’t forgetful; rather, you never think of others! You never think of me!”

As you can see, the criticism above tends to be very sweeping, generic and over-stretched to the point of painting the entire person black. Such pervasive criticism leads to other, far deadlier horsemen and makes its victim feel rejected and hurt. It often makes both fall into an escalating pattern of greater frequency and intensity, ultimately resulting in contempt.

• Contempt

Contempt is the single greatest predictor of a divorce between partners. Contempt attacks the other one’s character using a position of moral superiority. And we are truly mean while using contempt and treat others disrespectfully. We shower sarcasm, ridicule, and abuses to make the other one feel despised and worthless:

“So you’re ‘tired?’ And me? I’ve been with the kids all day, working like mad. And all you do in the evening is slouch back on the sofa and watch that stupid TV. Can you be any more pathetic?”

Often, such contempt is fuelled by long-simmering negative thoughts about the partner, which show up when the perpetrator attacks others. It’s much better to open up more frequently with specific grievances instead of exploding in flashes to destroy a relationship.

• Defensiveness

Defensiveness is typically a response to some criticism. Feeling unjustly accused, we look for excuses and try to play the innocent victim. But the strategy almost never succeeds as our excuses tell our partner that we don’t take their concerns seriously and that we won’t take responsibility.

Question: “Did you call Rahul and Bela that we’re not coming tonight as you had promised me this morning?”

Defensive reply: “Oh! I was just too busy. You know how busy my schedule is these days. Why didn’t you do it?”

The partner not only responds defensively, but also projects the blame on the other partner. Instead, a non-defensive response could be accepting responsibility and understanding the partner’s perspective:

“Oops, forgot it! I should’ve asked you to do it as I knew the day would be packed. My mistake. Let me call them right now.”

• Stonewalling

Stonewalling occurs when the listener withdraws from the interaction, shuts down, and simply stops responding to the situation. Rather than confronting the issue, stonewallers can tune out, turn away, act busy, or engage in obsessive or distracting behaviors.

Stonewalling frequently becomes a bad habit and is difficult to stop. Stonewalling comes from feeling physiologically flooded, and we may not even be in a state to talk out things rationally. It’s much better to say:

 “I’m feeling too angry to keep talking. Can we take a break and return in a bit? It’ll be easier to work through once I’ve calmed down.”

Take 20 minutes to do something alone that soothes you. Read a book/magazine, take a walk, run and return to the conversation once you feel ready.

6. Ask for it

“Had he truly loved me, he’d known what I really need.”

“I shouldn’t have to ask for this.”

“She should know about the wrong she did to me.”

These typical expressions show how misguided we can be. Remember, your partner is not a mind reader. Each one of us sees the world differently, has different expectations and experiences. It’s YOUR responsibility to communicate to the partner about what you truly want – your thoughts, needs, and feelings. And sometimes, you may have to repeat it many times.

Couples in a healthy relationship do not work on assumptions; rather, they make it a habit to ask for what they need from each other and make space for them. Happy couples talk about their desires openly and respect and honour their mutual differences.

7. Fix boundaries

Every healthy relationship has some boundaries fixed in it. Boundaries set the space between where your domain ends and another person’s begins. Healthy couples talk about and respect mutual boundaries – emotional boundaries (how much time to spend together vs. apart), physical boundaries (touch, sex), financial and digital boundaries (postings about the relationship, following each others’ friends on social media) to ensure that their needs are being met safely.

8. Forgive, forget and move on

A relationship runs on forgiveness and can’t survive without it. Therefore, learning how to sincerely apologize and forgive is crucial to peaceful existence and a strong relationship. An apology isn’t designed to crush a fight. Rather, it’s a sincere attempt to overcome an issue as a team and move on. Happy couples choose to be happy rather than being right and very often, doing so requires a sincere apology.

Don’t offer a qualified apology (“I’m sorry, but…”).

Rather, take the responsibility (“I’m sorry because I…”).

There are some folks who are more of grievance boxes. They hold on to every relational sin committed by their partner and bring them out at the time of big arguments:

“You had forgotten my birthday 20 years ago”

“You had run short of cash on our third date”

These statements are certainly not a mark of constructive conversation in any case.

Healthy couples express the feeling of hurt, do whatever they can to ensure it doesn’t recur,  accept the apology, and let go.

9. Communicate Regularly

A good part of the modern relationship advice is centred around talking regularly and updating your partner on your life and happenings, howsoever mundane some of them may seem. To make it even more enjoyable, send pictures, audio clips and short videos to make the other one feel loved and included.

Talk about the positive things in your life e.g. a new project you began working on, an exciting job offer, a trip you’re planning with your besties. Talking about your anxiety disorder or the job dissatisfaction is no fun but is important, nevertheless. Such conversations bring you closer to each other. Such couples feel that their distress is seen and heard, their bond strengthens and they become more resilient, leading to overall happiness.

Sexual desire is the glue that keeps both parties from drifting apart. In sexual matters too, communication can keep the fire burning much longer. Keep the flames burning bright by sending each other teasing text messages with sexual innuendos and emojis and communicating about what turns you on and gives pleasure.  

10. Stay honest

Honesty and openness are the bedrock of any conjugal relationship. So, talk to your partner about your fears, insecurities, jealousies, apathy and other feelings. If you try to hide anything, it will sooner or later swallow you up from the inside out. Be open and honest and let your partner give you the support you need. It’s better to ferret out the problem in its initial stages than to only disclose it when it’s too late.

11. Two to tango

The division of labour between the spouses is the topmost complaint couples bring with them. In my opinion, very few things create as much resentment between partners as one of them feeling like a housekeeper for the other. Healthy couples make it a priority to do chores together. One of them may hate doing dishes, while the other one may not like making the bed. Discuss how you can divide your tasks and then rally together to get them done. Doing them together creates trust, closeness, and keeps resentment away.

Similarly, you can play a game, watch a YouTube video or listen to a song together. You just have to be creative and spontaneous about it. Recommend books, TV shows, movies, music, news etc. to each other to have more common topics to talk about. This is especially useful if you are living apart from each other or have a long distance marriage due to some compulsions.

It helps to know when the other person is busy so that you can drop a message or call at the right time. Obviously, you wouldn’t want to disturb your partner in the middle of a class or a meeting. Make sure you are aware of small and big events in their lives.
Keep each other updated on respective friends and families. Talking about family and friends gives you more stuff to talk about later, may be even gossip or scandals.

12. Enjoy the difference

Initially, you may believe that you and your partner have got so much in common: both are introverts, aren’t party animals and love watching movies at home. But with time, it becomes clear that though similar in some ways, you’re definitely not the same person. These differences keep things interesting and help you grow.

Many couples have this unrealistic expectation that they both should have the same hobbies, the same opinions and the same tastes in politics, food, cinema etc.. If they don’t, they feel alone or abandoned. In contrast, happy couples appreciate their partner’s different tastes and responses and respect them:

‘What? You liked that actor in the play? I’m so curious to know what made you like him. I feel exactly the opposite.’”

So, learn to respect diversity and also learn how to agree to disagree on certain points to enjoy conjugal bliss.

So finally, you are settling in life with your dream partner and are eyeing to live a happily-ever-after dream, as the twinkle in your eyes says.  Wish it could come true! But the fact is, and you’ll find it yourself very soon, that all marriages go through challenges and problems, no matter what. The secret to a healthy, thriving relationship lies in your ability to overcome these problems. If you turn your back on your relationship when you face marital issues, it will fall into despair very quickly. On the other hand, taking these marital problems head on will make your relationship healthier and you more resilient.

As a life coach, a bulk of my work comprises dealing with cases of marriage and family counseling. And I can say with confidence that you need to work on every relationship, including marriage, to make them work.

Top 10 Marriage Problems and Solutions

1. Poor Communication

The mother of all marriage problems! Perhaps the biggest predictor of marriage problems is poor communication or negative communication that belies the damaging attitudes and dynamics within a marital relationship. Remember, regular, effective communication is the secret to a lasting marital relationship. Many marriages fail just because the partners drift apart as the stress of their daily lives exacts a toll on the quality of their marriage, their communication stops and instead of resolving their issues, the partners prefer to end their marriage. The fact is: communication in a marriage is more important than love and those who know this reality also know how to preserve it.

Those dealing in marriage counselling services recognize well that there are couples, who do keep the channel of communication open, but in a very perverted way i.e. always yelling, howling, mud-slinging, blaming and pestering. Such negative communication is extremely damaging, in fact, it is a reliable precursor to an ultimate divorce between the two. Psychologists say that it is possible to predict with great certainty which newlywed couples would later divorce, based on a study of their communication patterns for a few minutes. So for a healthy and happy marriage, keep the lines of positive, healthy, constructive communication open. Have an open chat about the issues you are having so that you can resolve them together. If you try to just sweep it under the carpet, it will only worsen into something more serious.

 Solution:

1. Experts on marriage problems and solutions suggest that you set up some rules. Try not to interrupt until your partner is through with their speaking and ban phrases such as “You always …” or “You never ….” Put the cell phones on the vibration mode, put the kids to bed, and let voice mail pick up your calls.
2. Use your body language to show that you’re listening. Also, you can’t communicate while you are doodling, looking at your watch, picking at your nails, checking your mobile, watching TV, or flipping through the sports section of the day’s newspaper.
3. Give a frequent nod so that the other one knows you’re indeed getting the message and rephrase your message, should you need to do so. For instance, say, “What I get is that you feel as if you have more chores at home, though we’re both working.” If you’re right, the other one can confirm it.

What Matters Most When You Want to Save a Marriage?

2. “Trust” those marriage counselling services

The lack of trust has killed many a relationship as trust is a key part of any relationship. Do you see certain things in your partner that cause you not to trust them? Do you have some unresolved issues that keep  you from trusting others? If your answer is yes, it may be the right time to resolve them for a happy marred life. You can foster trust  with the following these tips given by some experts on marriage problems and solutions:

1. Be consistent in your dealings.
2. Be on time for everything.
3. Do what you say you’ll do.
4. Don’t tell a lie — not even little white lies to your partner or to others.
5. Be fair, even while arguing.

3. Money

The stress of fighting over money is one of the most commonly cited marital problems the couples face. But experts on marriage problems and solutions opine that in general, the couples’ money disputes are symbolic of something else i.e. a struggle for power and control, different values and needs, or other issues surrounding money.

However, during tough times, financial stress can create more stress and more conflict over money-related things and money-centered arguments. For example, an extremely money-stressed partner may be less patient and may pick fights about unrelated things without even realizing it.

In some cases, money problems can begin even before the wedding vows are exchanged. They may stem, for example, from courtship expenses or from high wedding costs. The couples who face money woes need to have a serious conversation about finances.

Solution

1. Follow the formula Savings first, Expenses next. It works!
2. You need to be honest about your current finances. If the situation has worsened beyond a point, keeping up the same lifestyle is quite unrealistic.
3. Don’t talk about it in the heat of a verbal battle. Much better to set aside a convenient and non-threatening time for such a serious issue.
4. Very often, one spouse happens to be a spendthrift while the other one is a big saver – an explosive combo, indeed. Try to acknowledge that there are benefits to both styles, and agree to learn from each other’s tendencies.
5. Don’t hide your income or debt. Keep financial documents, including the recent credit report, pay slip, bank statements, insurance policies, debts, and investments open to both the parties.
6. Don’t indulge in a blame game with your partner.
7. Agree to make a joint budget that incorporates savings.
8. Decide on who will be paying the monthly bills.
9. Allow each one some money to be spent at their discretion.
10. Try to have an agreement on short-term and long-term financial goals. It’s okay to have individual goals, but you should have family goals, too.
11. Talk about caring for your parents as they age and how to plan for their needs.

4. Not Tonight, Honey

Experts in marriage counselling services emphasize that while busy schedules don’t automatically create marital problems, they do present a challenge, which needs to be worked through. Marriage problems result from overly busy schedules for a few reasons. Busy couples are often stressed out, especially if they’re not having quality sleep and good nutrition. Such couples may feel mutually less connected as they have less time to spend together and have more separateness in their lives. They may not work together as a team and may fight over who will tend to which household and social responsibilities.

Solution:

1. Talk it out and acknowledge there is a real problem that needs a solution.
2. Be ready to accommodate each other and their unique, special circumstances and needs.
3. Plan special events together on weekends: movies, games, plays, picnics and the like to compensate for the lack of regular togetherness.
4. Leave behind your phones and take out “we” time every three or six months and go to a quiet resort to reignite the spark in your relationship

5. Sex

Life coaches emphasize that sexual mismatch (in terms of sexual interest or disinterest, relative frequency and the importance given to it)) can be the root of many other relationship problems. And a lack of sexual self-awareness and education can worsen them. But having sex is the last thing you should give up as it brings you closer together, releases bodily hormones to help in creating a chemistry and biology typical of a healthy couple.

Solution:

3. (Plan)3 and (talk) 3.
4. Ask friends or family to take your kids every other Friday night for a sleepover.
5. Changing the scene and the timing a bit can make it more fun. Try to learn what turns you and your partner on.
6. If your sexual relationship problems can’t be resolved on your own, consult a qualified sex therapist to help you address and resolve them.

6. Home Chores

A good enough number of partners work outside the home. With it come more hours of work, feeling of tiredness and stress. So it’s important to divide the labor of doing the household chores in  affair and equitable manner.

Solution

1. You need to be organized and clear about your respective jobs at home. List down all the tasks and agree on who will do what. But try to be fair to avoid any resentment.
2. Be open to finding other solutions. If you both hate doing household work, you may consider outsourcing it to a professional service provider but if one of you likes to do the cleaning and mopping, the other one can do the laundry and the dishes.
3. You can be creative and take preferences into account — as long as it feels fair.

7. Ignoring the Relationship

Making your relationship a focal point should not end with the “I do” uttered while tying the nuptial knot. In general, relationships lose their luster over time. So try to make yours a priority to keep the spark intact.

 Solution:

1. Try to do things you used to do while dating e.g.  appreciation, complimenting, contacting each other and showing interest.
2. Schedule your “we time” on the calendar as you would any other important event.
3. Respect each other and don’t forget to say “thank you,” “I appreciate…” to  let your partner know that they matter.

8. Conflict

Occasional conflicts are a part and parcel of marital life. Period. But if you feel like you’re starring in your own version of an action movie i.e. the same lousy situations keep repeating, it’s time to break this toxic routine. By making an effort, you can reduce your anger and look calmly at the underlying issues.

Solution

1. Marriage and family counseling experts suggest arguing about an issue in a more civil, helpful manner. Make these strategies part of your being.
2. Realize that you are not a victim of anything as it’s your choice whether you react or not and how you do it.
3. Ask yourself honestly- When you’re arguing, are your comments focused on resolving the conflict or are you looking to settle the scores or get some brownie points? If your comments blame and hurt, it’s best to take a deep breath and change the strategy.
4. If you keep responding in the ways that gave you pain in the past, you can’t expect a different result this time. Make a little shift for a big difference. If you usually jump in to defend yourself before your partner has finished speaking, wait for some moments to be surprised over how this small shift can change the whole tone of an argument.
5. Yield a little to get a lot. Apologize if you’re wrong. It’s tough, but just give it a try and watch out for something wonderful to happen.
6. You can’t control anyone else’s behavior as the only one in your charge is just you. Change that YOU.

9. Bad Habits

Sometimes, couples face marital problems that could be solved if the two could try to identify their bad habits and change them. The fact is that people hardly ever make a conscious decision to argue over petty things, nag and be critical of others, or leave their personal messes for the other to clean. Rather, they get busy or distracted, build up stress inside and go on an autopilot mode. Then they find themselves following the same patterns they hadn’t realized while choosing in the first place.

10. Not expressing constructively

While arguing with your spouse, it can be very easy to let emotions take you over with their intensity. Consequently, you could say many hurtful things that would only worsen the problem instead of fixing it. Try to avoid this kind of route as far as possible.

At the time of discussing your marital problems, focus on being a constructive problem-solver. While at it, it is important to stay on the topic in hand and take care not to bring up previous issues. It’s no use talking of the coffee spilt often by your husband in the mornings if the issue in hand is why he gets home late in the evenings.   

11. Not taking take decisions together

While resolving marital conflicts, you have to approach them together and decide on the best solution as a unit, as a couple. One spouse cannot become authoritarian and make decisions on behalf of both of you. With collective decision-making, you know that you’ve factored in your partner’s feelings and emotions. Stay away from the urge to insist on what you want or see things done your way. Have an open, receptive mind and encourage your spouse to voice their opinions and concerns for inclusive decision-making in all important matters that concern both of you.

However, if things begin to heat up in an argument, try to de-escalate the conflict to keep things light and in control.

12. Not acknowledge other’s feelings

The ability to entertain a thought without accepting it is the biggest mark of maturity.

Opening up about your feelings and having those feelings shut down isn’t a good feeling and makes you feel undervalued. Of course, you wouldn’t want your spouse to feel that way. So if you are trying to resolve a marital conflict, you need to encourage one another and give the other one a chance to speak up and express their feelings. Even if you don’t agree, instead of dismissing their feelings, put yourself in their shoes and try to know why they feel that way. And then look at the ways to address those feelings; that’s what couples in healthy marriages tend to do.

13. Kids issues

The way children are raised and handled can be a potential source of stress and marital problems. Kids are a wonderful gift of marriage and bring more meaning to our lives, but they can also cause additional stress in a marriage as raising them warrants more responsibility and a role change, thereby providing more fodder for disagreement and strain. Having children also reduces the “we time” available to a couple, a combination which can test even the strongest bond.

14. Day to day stress

Day to day stressors can worsen the problems already present there. A stress out partner is more likely to be impatient after getting back home, may handle conflict less effectively and have less emotional energy to devote to nurture the relationship. And with both partners having had a difficult day, it can only be exacerbated.

This day to day daily stress can test patience and optimism, leaving couples with very little to give to each other in emotional terms.

15. Changing role of women

Women across the globe are increasingly getting more and more highly educated and are no longer mere homemakers. They are financially, socially, physically, and mentally independent, which runs contrary to the old mentality of women being considered only as nurturers.

Besides, many males are raised to expect wives earning lesser than them. But when reality hits hard, there are ego clashes, which very few can handle. Such ego clashes obviously cause marital dissatisfaction. Today’s women are not reluctant to walk out of a marriage that isn’t working for them.

Solution

1. Try to be more egalitarian and accommodating of your wife’s needs, aspirations and feelings. Remember, she is your equal and nothing that you do should compromise this status of hers.
2. You are a single unit and there is nothing like mine or yours. Be proud of the fact that she can earn more as her success is yours, too. Try to celebrate her success and achievements.

16. Relations with in-laws

Nearly 2/3rd of all married couples stay with the husband’s parents. Staying with the husband’s family can be the root cause of many problems, the most common cause being the relations between the mother in law and the daughter in law. With worsening relationships, many marriages come to the brink and get dissolved.

Solution

Try living separately from your in-laws to minimize the possibilities of such disputes.

17. Feelings of “competition”

It’s quite common for spouses to feel the need to ‘win’ an argument. Doming so feeds their ego and makes them feel good about themselves that they have proved their spouse wrong about certain things.

Never ever try to resolve your marital problems with this kind of attitude as though you may win an argument, you will lose the relationship and that’s too heavy a cost to pay. It isn’t about winning or losing. Rather, focus on the issues in your marriage so you can both be happy and healthy.

18. Stuck in gridlock

A common hurdle to solving marital problems is when both of you don’t see eye to eye over marital issues e.g. one spouse is willing to discuss them, while the other one doesn’t find it a big deal.

So, when you reach an impasse, take a break as forcing your opinions on the other one isn’t going to change the situation. By taking a break, you give each other some time to put things in perspective.