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A successful marriage isn’t an easy venture. Love or not, all marriages involve work, sharing, and lots of effort. When you’re in the early days of falling head over heels in love, it’s already assumed that everything else will be just great and romance will be grand – and sometimes, it’s all still taken for granted.

In the rush of those first few euphoric days, there are bound to be some mistakes both on the part of the couple, and on the part of their partners. Mistakes are bound to happen. For couples to stay married, it has to be nurtured. Just like children, partnerships need constant reassurance that they are doing things right – and unfortunately, this is where many marriages go down the drain.

What are Some Common Love Marriage Problem Solution?

Being a life coach and marriage counselor, many people of different age groups come for marriage counseling. Marriages today are fragile. If you do not take care of them, they don’t last. However, one thing that can serve best in saving marriages and relationships is marriage counselling.

I have counselled many people with different problems in my career. I have seen that no relationship breaks in a day or two. It starts one day and breaks a little each day. In simple words, problems in a relationship are like a termite. They do not instantly finish a piece of wood. Rather, it slowly starts eating deep inside, until it is all hollow.

Similarly, even a small problem in a relationship can work like a termite to make your relationship hollow in no time. Here are some issues and concerns that could have been disturbing your relationships. You can discuss them with your counselor and resolve the conflicts.

• Losing trust in someone: One of the normal issues looked by couples is absence of trust. It is very normal for couples to question their accomplice, regardless of whether they have been together for quite a while. A ton of times you begin questioning your accomplice on the off chance that they stay out past the point of no return, or keep away from PDA, and so forth. 

• Separations: Most couples who visit for marital counselling come at a stage where they are already separated emotionally. The present age is imperfect with regards to connections. They are persuaded of separating in any event, for the little issues that can just be settled through guiding. On the off chance that your relationship is going through any such stage, you ought to seek relationship help. 

• Unfulfilled assumptions: One of the common reasons for struggles in marriages that I have found in couples is the high expectations they keep from their partners. They generally figure their accomplice should carry on this way, do this for them, or get them something specifically. Nonetheless, rather than mentioning to them what you need on the face, they anticipate that their partners should understand their quietness. Such unfulfilled expectations begin gathering in an individual’s brain while the other partner stays unconscious with regards to it. 

• Unnecessary Comparisons: One fault that nearly everybody makes seeing someone is that they begin comparing their relationship with another person’s. Individuals begin calculating their love as indicated by another couple’s affection. It gradually begins a feeling of worth seeing someone. It further prompts a great deal of dissatisfaction and issues in your own relationship. 

• Cheating your partner: One of the absolute most excruciating encounters of any relationship is discovering your accomplice cheating on you. Many relationships break every day in view of this issue. While one accomplice is broken, the other doesn’t understand how much harm they made. A marriage coach can generally be of extraordinary assistance in such circumstances. They will direct you towards the right track. 

• Dating issues: Many individuals think marriage counseling is just for hitched couples. Notwithstanding, it isn’t reality. Relationship counseling can be a great help to couples who are dating and dealing with issues in their relationship. Truth be told, I have assisted numerous young couples with their dating issues. Early relationship counseling bears many fruits in case you are prepared to appreciate them. 

• Family/Friend clashes: A ton of times marriages begin getting influenced not as a result of you or your partner, but your loved ones. I have by and by met numerous clients who were confronting such countless problems from families that it was getting burdensome for them to remain together. Imparting and offering space to loved ones similarly helps connections maintain. 

• Dropping out of affection: ‘Everlastingly’ or ‘Cheerfully at any point after’ isn’t something you essentially get. All connections go through many good and bad times prior to coming to an eternity stage. It is a mind boggling and tiring cycle to support relations. You need to keep an equilibrium of feelings, regard, trust, and love to keep up with joy seeing someone. Relationship directing shows this to you.

8 Essential Keys to Stay Married 

If you want your relationship to have longevity, the best thing to do is to talk. Whether it’s to your partner about the past year or the past five, it’s important to listen to your partner as he or she shares his or her experiences with you. It’s never too late to talk, and if your partner isn’t ready to open up, don’t push the issue. It’s fine to ask questions, after all, you wouldn’t tell a friend about every single detail of your failed relationship without knowing the answers. If you’re in a relationship where there are major keys to a successful relationship, the sooner you start to talk, the sooner your marriage will reap the benefits of a mature conversation.

• Communicate clearly and often

There is no doubt that communication plays a very important role in saving marriages. In fact, the faster you learn how to communicate clearly and effectively to your partner, the faster you can move on to improving other aspects of your relationship. It’s surprising to note that 90% or more of the communication problems in marriages can be resolved by communicating better.

So why do so many couples fail to communicate effectively? Often it’s because they are not clear about what they want or expect from the other person. They get into arguments over issues they shouldn’t have even brought up. It happens because most of the communication in a relationship occurs “catnap” style – once you get comfortable with each other and you’ve had time to think about what you wanted to say, you stop talking.

If you want your marriage to work, you need to make sure you communicate your thoughts clearly. You don’t necessarily have to have a lot of time on your hands to be effective – a simple, ” Hi, I hope we meet at a dinner, and I was hoping you had a great evening” will do just fine. People tend to misunderstand communication when they don’t understand the tone or the context of the words used. Communication is a two-way street: you must take responsibility for your own actions, and your partner must do the same for him or her.

• Tell your spouse that you’re thankful for having them in your life

If you are looking for a way to tell your spouse that you are thankful for having him or her in your life, there are many ways that you can do it. One way to tell is to write a note to them and send it to their house. It is important to address the note personally and say that you are thankful for everything that he or she has done for you. You need to be sincere and real when you write such letters because otherwise, your spouse may take it for granted and not take your blessings seriously. It will definitely send the wrong message if you are not sincere.

Another good thing to do is to thank your spouse for everything that he or she has done for you. You can start by writing down a few lines and then thank your spouse for everything that they have done for you. You can include how your spouse has taken care of you, brought you joys, and gave you the strength and support you needed during difficult times. If you find it hard to express all your emotions, you can write down the things that you are thankful for in words from your heart. It is a great way to let your spouse know how much you appreciate everything that he or she has done for you.

• Make time for you two as a couple

Making time for you two as a couple is crucial. After the wedding, you’ll likely be a busy couple. You may not have much free time, or you may have already put so much work into your wedding that you really don’t know what to do with yourself. Making time for you and your spouse gives you both a chance to take a deep breath, calm down, and figure out how you’re going to move forward. You can’t decide this in one day, but taking some time away from each other can give you some perspective on where you are now and where you want to go.

When couples are married for some years, they usually reach the point where they don’t spend time together as often as they used to. It is hard to figure out how to balance the needs of your family with the need to be with your spouse. But by taking time away, you allow yourself to become refreshed and re-energized to begin a new chapter in your life as a married couple. If you’re fighting about everything, you’ll inevitably end up arguing about time away from each other.

Remember that if your fight is over time, it doesn’t mean that you have to part ways. You can make time for you two as a couple by finding time to be alone and talking. It can be a time alone in the bathtub, alone by yourself, or it can be just talking with friends or family. Whatever you choose to do, spending time away from each other can be a crucial step to saving your marriage.

• Understand that it’s OK to disagree

You need to realize that it’s OK to disagree. If you can understand that it’s OK to disagree, all the other components around your marriage will fall into place, and you will be well on your way to a successful marriage. If you don’t know how to deal with conflict, you will see that it can break down your marriage. So if you want your marriage to last, you must understand that it’s OK to disagree, and when you do you can turn it into a positive thing.

One of the biggest things in marriage that keeps it apart is the fact that both parties don’t always understand each other, they just keep talking. They don’t engage in real communication with each other, and this is where many arguments are started. So if you really want to save your marriage, the first step you need to do is get some understanding between both of you because this is one of the most important ingredients to saving it.

You also need to understand that compromise is required. It means that you cannot take everything for granted. Every time you come to a compromise, you should ask yourself why it was acceptable to your partner. You should understand that you might have made a mistake by agreeing to compromise but that your partner feels that it was the best option at the time. If you understand this, then you will never be able to hold off from making compromises.

• Infidelity Issues

A breakup of marriage due to infidelity can be devastating for the entire family. The pain that the couple goes through is something that no one should have to go through. One of the main issues that cause this type of heartbreak is the question of rebuilding trust after infidelity. Infidelity has caused irreparable damage to a marriage; it’s very important to get help to fix your marriage and start over. It may be hard to trust again, but it is definitely possible if both you and your spouse are committed to making things right.

Rebuilding trust after infidelity can be a long process. There are some steps that you can take to help your relationship get back on track and slowly, you will see improvements in your relationship. Trust is vital to any relationship, building trust after infidelity is crucial to a successful relationship. There are many ways to rebuild trust after infidelity, there are no “one size fits all” solutions. You must work with your partner to make sure that your relationship is working properly and that your goals and expectations are being met.

The most important step in the process is to communicate, talking, and communication are the building blocks of any healthy relationship, and trust is very important in these types of relationships. There are many ways to help improve your relationship after an affair. Couples just need to communicate and work through the issues and find the strength within themselves to move forward. Infidelity is just as damaging to marriages as well as it is to individual relationships, communication is key.

• Learn to forgive

Learn to forgive your spouse when they wrong you. In the same way, you should forgive those who have hurt you. Forgiveness is the key to successful marriage and relationships, and it allows us to move on with our lives without dwelling on the past. It’s a simple principle, really – if we don’t forgive the one with whom we are angry, then we can’t forgive the person who did something wrong to us. Anger begets hatred, and that leads to the unforgiving of another. We must learn to forgive the one who offended us.

Learning to forgive others comes hand in hand with learning to be forgiveness-worthy. When we are forgiving, we also make ourselves better people because we no longer hold resentment or grudges against those who have affected us. If we were constantly worried about what someone else was doing or said to us, we would never be able to forgive them, nor would we be able to move on with our lives. Just remember that forgiveness is not the same thing as forgetting. While forgiveness allows us to forget, it doesn’t make us forgive the person whose mistakes we’ve pointed out.

Learning to forgive can come by not holding grudges and instead focusing on making amends for the mistakes we’ve committed. For example, let’s say you were the person who did the wrong act, but instead of saying “I’m sorry,” you could simply say, “I’m sorry that my actions caused you pain. I know you probably felt upset about it, and that’s totally normal. I hope you can forgive me so I can truly start over and make amends for my previous wrongdoings.” 

• Get counseling

If you want to get help from a marriage counselor, it would be one of the most effective things that can help your marriage. Even if your marriage is at an end, you will still need to take your time and ponder over what went wrong in your marriage and how you will make your marriage work in the future. So if you are willing to get some counseling, what are the things that you should look for?

The first thing that you need to do before seeking a counseling service helps to analyze what went wrong in your marriage. This way you would be able to determine the things that you should do after seeking help. For instance, you may realize that there are certain things that you should avoid doing or be done again, but it may not be a big problem if you would just listen and take note of these things. The same goes with avoiding certain things and making your spouse angry. You have to learn to read between the lines and determine whether your actions are appropriate or not.

The next step that you would have to take is to ask for the help of a professional. If you are going to get counseling, then the last thing that you would want to happen is for you to get into a situation where you would be arguing with the counselor. A professional would be able to help you sort out your problem, sort out your emotions, and be able to help you resolve some of your issues. This is why you should always try asking for the help of a professional before you think about getting married. You wouldn’t want to go through all that trouble only to have it backfire on you.

• Change the patterns

Many married couples, who were once happily married, find that the honeymoon phase of their marriage is long gone. They don’t talk to each other, and they don’t spend as much time together as they once did. They tend to become at odds with one another, and this can be very difficult to reverse if this continues.

The best marriage advice I can give you is to get back in the habit of being friends with your spouse. It doesn’t mean that you should sit around drinking coffee and watching TV. However, you do need to try to stay in contact and share life experiences and news. Without this bonding, you will find it very hard to change the patterns to save your marriage.

Once you have changed those patterns, you will need to let go of the notion that you are in a marriage crisis or that there is some type of crisis that needs to be resolved immediately. A crisis is usually an unnecessary situation that occurs because of poor communication or lack of commitment on the part of both parties. It will go away once the issue is discussed and resolved. If you keep thinking about things, then you are going to create more stress in your marriage. So, instead of focusing on these negatives, you should focus on positive thoughts and feelings.

Conclusion 

What matters most to save a marriage is your own efforts. It doesn’t matter if your spouse agrees or not, but it matters most that you have the determination to save the marriage and stop divorce from happening. Marriages end usually because one of the partners has lost their sense of commitment, stopped showing interest in trying to make things work, and just became too comfortable with each other. If you are serious about stopping your divorce, then you need to start doing what matters the most at this point – taking action.

You cannot do anything to save your marriage if you are not willing to take action. I know that sounds like common sense, but people never do anything when they don’t feel like they can. So I implore you to take action on your own. It is so important to save marriage because your marriage is everything that you have ever wanted in life – no more, no less.

We all know about leaders and the work they do. Be it politics, business, technology, science, sports, culture or anything else, leaders are, quite simply, the engines that run their trains to different destinations. And to travel long distances to these destinations successfully and safely, the engine needs to be manned properly and fuelled by the right kind of energy.

Some experts believe that leaders are simply born. Leaders are made, too, say others. The fact is, truth lies somewhere in between. Most credibly, it’s a combination of circumstances and persistence in most cases. Some great leaders you meet aren’t even aware of their leadership qualities. In fact, they may not have even a formal leadership title bestowed on them, even then they exercise decisive influence and come to call the shots.

But it’s not easy being the engine – it needs to be powerful enough, decide the path and stock up on the right kind of resources to travel the distance, have the right kind of people aboard and ensure it stays on track to reach its destination safely and in time.

So what is it that you really need to become a successful, great leader? If you have a majority of the characteristics below, it indicates your potential to become a great leader. Also remember that working on yourself is only half the battle won and over time, your team gets a more significant role to play in your subsequent success.

Qualities of Effective Leaders

Read on to find if you make the grade:

1. You walk your talk

You walk your talk and your words aren’t just lip service. Rather, you really “live” them. Obviously, it fosters credibility among the team members, who align with the tone you set. 

Instead of using persuasion, argument or force, creating an example is the most powerful form of leadership. Social modelling, psychologists tell us, has an extremely powerful impact on bringing about all kinds of behavioural changes, good or bad among babies and kids. This tendency continues well into adulthood and people always come to notice who’s doing what in an organization. And when that person is you, your team members naturally tend to follow you and you become a leader. 

2. You can take effective decisions

There never ever was any indecisive leader in human history. Being a decisive one, you use good judgment in the face of challenges and take a decision in time with confidence. And while doing so, you use logic and your problem solving abilities.

You constantly try to achieve multiple goals in personal life and professional life, be it implementing a new quality control system or improving your fitness. And your confidence grows with every goal you achieve.

You are confident and passionate and move ahead with assurance, being passionate about your beliefs and refusing to let anything stop you. Working consistently towards a cause with vision and confidence makes you a leader. Your confidence makes the workplace a positive environment by bringing infectious energy to the workplace. Contrarily, workplace vampires blame others for making them feel the way they do instead of taking personal responsibility.

3. You are gifted with charisma

You have a surge of infectious, positive energy flowing through you that gets others excited to get on board. You approach various issues enthusiastically and that reflects a genuine desire on your part in life. You’re the proverbial nice guy/gal gifted with the qualities of head and heart- courage, honesty, morality and righteousness and your displaying these qualities tells others about your good intentions, who reciprocate it with respect. 

4. You inspire others towards change

You know very well the difference between dictating and leading others. Dictating is pressuring your team members into working towards goals but when you lead, you inspire them to put in their best in the direction of goal achievement. As a good leader, you inspire your team to become their own best versions. And when you are always looking to grow your people, their pride is reflected in the kind of work they do and the quality they deliver. 

You view your team’s victory as yours as you are happy to see your team thrive by providing them the required support and guidance.

5. You can empower others

You are ready to make sacrifices for the resources your teams needs for success. You don’t believe in micro-managing others. Rather, you believe in delegating tasks to make others responsible. You are a big support in providing your team with a conducive environment for independent working.

You know that your power doesn’t imply controlling others at all. Your power is your strength and giving it to others. A leader isn’t someone who forces others to strengthen him; rather, a leader is a person willing to strengthen others. 

6. You can communicate well

You set clear expectations and goals and can get everyone behind them. Good communication implies conveying effectively the short-term and long-term vision for the organization, which gets people excited to work. 

 You can also read our blog on Communication Skills for Workplace Success

7. You’re persuasive

This most essential tool in your leadership armour enables you to persuade others readily, be it getting someone on board with an idea or convincing another one of your argument, you are known for your ability to convince others. 

8. You evoke loyalty and authenticity

You believe in “living” the principles you expect your team members to follow. Thus, they are much more inclined to follow you. Besides, you inspire others to do good work and can motivate your team about a particular project. 

9. You persist

You show determination to achieve your goals. While fully acknowledging that it isn’t always possible, you make every possible effort to achieve your goal before you concede defeat.

Your positive attitude makes people around you happy. This kind of outlook doesn’t make you blind to problems. Rather, it lets you find some good in every situation and know that eventually things will turn out to be alright. This kind of spirit keeps people motivated and spreads hope and ensures that you are considered a leader.

10. You inspire trust 

Great leaders teach, motivate, and share their expertise with others, who often regard them as a fountainhead of knowledge. They rely on your advice, and you’re more than happy to help them get ahead. You articulate a wider vision that resonates with others so as to ensure good performance, loyalty or other positive outcomes. You can rally your team around yourself in uncertainty or tumult to keep the business intact.

People count on you and trust you to follow through and realize your promises. If you can hold yourself accountable and demonstrate total responsibility that leads others to trust you, you are a leader. 

11. You are a rule-breaker

True leadership consists in finding new, unproven solutions to achieve a better tomorrow. Leadership implies progress and evolution, for which the status quo needs to be challenged. As a good leader, you can think and work outside the box.

You approach a problem using your own original thought as you’re an idea person, a visionary. You try to innovate by challenging the status quo. 

12. Your feedback makes a difference

You are well-aware that negative feedback can be counterproductive if not communicated properly.  You have a handle on how and when to deliver both positive and negative (or constructive) feedback to improve individual and organizational results, not to run others down or hurt others’ feelings or egos. 

13. You constantly seek self-improvement

It’s a lifelong mission with you to always keep on improving yourself in all ways possible. Knowing your own imperfections, you let others know that you’re constantly working to become your best version. You are ready to take the blame whenever you are  responsible for any negative outcomes and do not pass the buck on to others.  

14. You’re in auto-discipline mode

You are gifted with self-control and self-restraint and you don’t let emotions enter the process of decision making. Desires or negative thoughts cannot carry you away. You don’t yield to temptations easily because you know doing so is integral to success.

You don’t need others for supervision or validation of your efforts. You criticize yourself before others do. You don’t frequently look to others to get you where you want to go. 

15. You have a plan, always

You are the go-to man (or woman!) for all in times of need. You can make effective strategies and embrace challenges as you are confident of overcoming them with your problem-solving abilities.

Your plans are informed by a real-life perspective and are grounded in pragmatic considerations. 

16. You invest in people

You know your biggest assets too well – your people. Obviously you nurture, groom and take care of them. Besides, you also know how to grow them and make their well-being a top priority. Given this, you understand the importance of constantly upgrading the skills and knowledge of your team to enhance their intellectual capital.

You spend time supporting, guiding and sharing your knowledge with others and give them the opportunity for success. If you do everything possible to help them attain success, you’re a leader.

You insist on excellence. When you do that, you tell others to act rather than talk, show rather than say and deliver rather than promise. If you do not make excuses but hold up excellence and quality, you are a leader. 

You can also watch our video on Improve Your Leadership Skills

17. You have an open mind

You are game for absorbing others’ perspectives to evaluate a scenario and make sound decisions based on different inputs. Others feel comfortable presenting their ideas to you as they know you have an open mind and are receptive to differing viewpoints.

You handle criticism well and thrive on others’ feedback. Whether you act on that feedback or not is an uncertain question, but you welcome it and are ready to consider it as genuine and valid.

You’re a good listener. Thus, people love to confide in you. This indicates not only a strong leadership but also that you’re a nice guy/ gal. If listening is more important than speaking to you and if people can confide in you, you are a leader. 

18. You display compassion

You do not consider your own needs to be more important than others’. You show a genuine sense of empathy whenever a team member faces a troublesome personal event. You listen well and are eager to help them with all that you can.

You are ready to admit your fallacies and mistakes and learn from them.

You respect people and it earns you respect in return. If you look for the good in everyone and respect them, they will hold you in high esteem and you’ll be a leader.

You offer advice and counsel. You have a good sense of empathy and your perspective is useful to those around you. If you often help others navigate their work and life, you are a leader. 

19. You can read others’ minds

You’re gifted with good emotional intelligence. You can see if others are lying to you or are trying to mislead you. You can read people’s emotions and you try to learn about how those around you work, and comprehend people’s tendencies and behaviours. 

You can also Boost To Your Leadership Skills With Corporate Coaching

20. You are a peace-maker amid chaos

Yours is a calming and pacifying presence that reassures your team and others amid difficulties. You display calm even amid chaotic times to reassure your team and keep it on track in spite of the goings-on.

Let’s begin with a quick poser: What does every human look for, ultimately, in life? If your answer is one of these – money, love, good family, success, material possessions, you are absolutely in the wrong. If you ask yourself, what do all these things finally lead to? A sense of happiness in life as given these things, you can afford to lead a decent social life, while taking care of your physical-, emotional and other needs.  So it all boils down to happiness that we all chase so desperately.

But interestingly, happiness is a very very subjective idea. For a car dealer, happiness consists in selling, maybe, more than 10 cars on a particular day while for a first-time car buyer, happiness equals driving his prized possession, accompanied by loved ones. Likewise, for a famished soul, getting a full meal is enough cause for happiness but for a well-fed one, much more would be required to stimulate happiness. We don’t need to define happiness as we all know what it means. Now coming to the point, are you happy? If not, what stands in your way? What are the roadblocks on the path to the ultimate human dream? Let’s talk about some of them.

Regrets in life are a big reason why many of us are unhappy.

How I wish I had worked harder in college!

How beautiful it would be to reverse my childhood!

I wish I had heeded my father’s advice!

Only if I hadn’t hooked up with her!

Alas! I should have lived my life my own way!

The list is unending and always expanding as discussed by Brownie Welsh in her slim yet beautiful book Top Five Regrets of Dying. Elizabeth Kubler Ross’s On Death and Dying brings a psychological perspective to the process of dying and talks of how unfulfilled wishes and dreams play out in the process.

Here are some major regrets in life which are a great impediment on your path to happiness. Check them out to see if you too have a regret that’s keeping back your happiness and to take some remedial steps. Well, here we go!

1. Please all

That one is a sure shot formula for failure and discontentment in life, said Einstein. Many have had a shot at it and have come out wiser- it doesn’t work. Stay away from the idea of leading your life and doing all the things so as to ensure everyone is satisfied. “If, in a group discussing a topic, everyone is thinking the same thing, no one is thinking at all.” Well, it implies everyone is by default, different, and therefore, trying to please all is a chimera you must not try to chase.

Of course, it doesn’t mean that you ought to live a self-centered, selfish life based on I, Me, Myself. Rather, its true intent is that we should try to do what we like to do and what God also likes! 

2. Life is Evolution

Do you recall the movie Dear Zindagi? Well, a psychologist in the movie explains to Alia Bhatt how choosing a partner is akin to buying a chair from a furniture store. The sensible soul tells her that before buying a chair, we try out many of them at different stores and look at their design, ergonomics, comfort and the price, of course. Only after all these things do we make a decision about a particular chair. Now, if we expend so much of our energy and time over a mere lifeless chair, by corollary, choosing a life partner deserves far more? Doesn’t it?

Just like the plants and animals on the Earth have undergone biological evolution, humans, too, constantly evolve psychologically, emotionally and spiritually. Times are gone when people would be happy with a job for life or would be content with a partner for life. It’s important to appreciate the fact that it is not really necessary that we come out right in these decisions the very first time. We are humans, with our own inadequacies and frailties and life is a journey, a process of constant hit-and-trial, wherein we are learning each single moment and trying to get better at what we do.

Therefore, have no regrets and stop cursing yourself for the wrong company you chose, for the horrible partner you landed up with or for the now-gone-bust business idea of yours. Learn from your mistakes and move on. That’s life!

3. Oh! For a mentor

Come on, let’s face it. Life isn’t a bed of roses. So many unchartered territories we explore constantly that we run many grave risks of all kinds. Therefore, to help us navigate the treacherous path of life, it’s better to have a mentor, whom you can connect with. A good mentor is a friend, philosopher and trouble-shooter, all rolled into one. Such a soul can offer guidance for all important life questions – related to everything under the sun- and literally save your life.

So, if you haven’t had a mentor so far, it’s not too late. Look for one so that you always have an anchor to support you in tough times.

If you are searching for the best mentor who can guide you, then you can also contact Life Coach Ritu Singal.

4. You are nothing but your friends

Friendship is one of the finest gifts we humans can get and give. But it’s important to choose your friends with great care as they can have a significant role in determining the trajectory of your career, family life, and life in general. I always tell my daughters to exercise extreme care while choosing their friends. 

It is often said that you are the average of the sum total of the five friends surrounding you. That is, if you are surrounded by predominantly happy-go-lucky friends, you become happy-go-lucky just like them. Conversely, if you keep company with the brooding types, you are more likely to end up the serious kind.

So, try to have five friends of the type that you aspire to become. Choose with care!

5. Oh, only if I hadn’t chased degrees

Do you remember the insanely successful movie Three Idiots? In one of the scenes, Ranchhod Dass, the character played by Amir Khan advises his friends not to chase success but excellence.  His advice holds great value for today’s youth, who are mainly driven by marks and degrees.

Ask yourself honestly- Did I ever try to enhance my skills and talents beyond the classroom? How did you utilize the forced holiday thanks to COVID? Did you learn some new technologies, new languages or new skills. Helping out at home and trying to learn cooking is fine, but what about enriching your professional skills?

If your answer is NO, it’s high time we realized that a degree doesn’t earn a fat salary package, talent does. In these technology-led times, where tomorrow happened yesterday, you will soon feel outdated and obsolescent if you fail to upgrade yourself (CONSTANTLY).

Read our blog on 8 Personality Development Skills You Must Possess

6. The Now, The Here  

The past is done and the future is yet to come. That’s why today is called the present. A present, a gift it really is!  A Stanford University research shows that a great majority of us spend considerable time in remembering the past, which wastes a great amount of psychic energy and reduces productivity.

Remember, the past cannot be undone. Living in the present moment is all what you need to learn to make the most of your life.

7. Constant Improvement

Do not look at having big improvements in a short time. Instead, try to have incremental, small improvements over time and you’ll see how much they finally add up to.  Try to ensure that your today turns out to be better than yesterday and your tomorrow is better than today. That’s the essence of constant improvement!

Watch our video on Be the better version of yourself by Life Coach Ritu Singal

8. The Rainbow

Today’s hyper-connected, liberalized world offers a plethora of choices in terms of almost everything. Carrying over this analogy to your inner mind, nature has given you a blank canvas, on which you can paint infinite things with the colours of your choice.

You have the entire universe open to you. So hold your brush and paint to make your own beautiful painting to dazzle the world. You may draw a wrong stroke here or there, spill your paint or apply a wrong colour but feel free to make as many mistakes as you want. But remember, no repetitions are allowed and each mistake should be a new one!

Why?

Of all the things having a substantial and lasting impact on the life you have, your life satisfaction and personal happiness, two things stand out for their towering influence:  career choice and marriage. And it would be quite commonsensical to understand it. Think of it- a typical career requires us to devote at least half of our working hours to it and brings a whole set of people around you who impact you in multifarious, important ways. From this viewpoint, a marriage is even more impactful than a career choice even as you choose to spend the rest of your time with a spouse, who is definitely going to bring a great many significant influences on you and your life.  But in a sense, a marriage is a far more crucial decision as you can easily leave your company without many obligations but certainly not a spouse without incurring huge financial, emotional and psychological costs.

Of late, the trend of pre-marriage counselling is catching on in India. I can vouch for it from my experience as a counsellor as well. And I would call it a welcome trend as it can save you much heartburn later. In fact, it would not be far-fetched to say that a rise in the trend of pre-marriage counselling should automatically lead to a corresponding fall in marital counselling cases and divorces.

Remember The Beatles’ song “All you need is love?” while your parents had advised, “Marry someone whose values are similar to yours.” And your local priest says, “Marry someone who is a believer!” All these are well-meaning pieces of wisdom, but none of them is complete by itself. That’s because getting married is much beyond a combination of love, values and religious faith. That’s why before deciding to take the marital plunge, it’s imperative to give it a deep thought and examine it from all possible angles so that you take such a momentous decision judiciously. Research says that at least 75 per cent of the marital counselling cases could have been avoided if the couples had better communicated their expectations before getting married.

Researchers have identified many indicators of marital satisfaction that fall into three groups:

 Predictors of marital satisfaction

1. Extroversion                             2. Flexibility
2. Self-esteem                                 4. Interpersonal skills (like empathy and assertiveness)

 Predictors of marital discord

1. Inability to cope with stress                    2. Pre-set beliefs like “People are like that only.”
2. Excessive:   Impulsiveness, Anger, Depression, Irritability, and Anxiety

Pre-marriage Tips

1. Why Marriage?

One of the most fundamental questions you need to ask yourself and the other person before getting married. Are you marrying

1. just because your friends are doing so?
2. due to parental/ societal pressures?
3. because you believe you are about to cross the generally accepted age for marriage?
4. because you would like to share your life with someone else?

If the reason is a or b or c, give it a second thought. Contrary to common perception, there is nothing like a societally approved age for marriage. Of course, the biological clock doesn’t respect anything, but then, everyone may not like to have babies.  Remember, if your answer is d, you are going to let someone into every smallest aspect of your life and so, very careful thought is in order before you burn your bridges.

2. How Important is Your Career?

For some, a job is just a job but for others, it may mean the world and be a source of identity and purpose. Be clear about it – it might keep you tied to a certain area or never let your settle in one place for long. It may also imply that you may never earn much, or always have unpredictable work hours.

You need to be clear about your job as in a marriage, you may need to move, stop working for a while or become the main breadwinner. So it’s really important that both of you are clear about the position your job enjoys. You need to discuss the work environment, schedules, etc. to keep aware of the demands of each other’s jobs. Marital misunderstandings start happening as work-life balance creates insecurities or trust problems. So it’s better to know about it before getting married.

3. What About Respective Families?

For many couples, family obligations change after marriage. Do you or your partner have family traditions/commitments you observe regularly? How do you or your spouse fit into them? You need to consider how much each other’s families will be part of your daily life – will your new mother-in-law look after childcare, will your father expect to move in with you?

It’s important while sharing life that everyone feels heard and that you make time for yourselves as a couple and for the blended family.

4. Health matters

Though people avoid talking about these things, health matters need critical attention before getting married. The couple needs to discuss blood groups, previous treatments, stress issues and mental health history as they are going to impact your overall life. Of course, having a spouse with long term health or mental health issues can cause a disturbance. If any such medical problem is hidden, it can lead to a bigger mess later. Sometimes, such problems can affect sex life, which is again messier. So, it’s essential to discuss all health matters before getting married.

5. Children

It’s crucial to discuss this with your partner-to-be. Whether and when you want kids or not – discuss beforehand. You wouldn’t like to have surprises after the wedding. If your partner has a different opinion about kids, it may create disturbance in your life. So, it’s better to be prepared before getting married.

6. Religious preferences

If you belong to different castes, religions, communities, or nationalities, it’s important to discuss the issue. Of course, love does not know any religion but things change post-marriage. Do not let your religion become the reason for any clashes after marriage. Talk about whether you will practise the same religion you professed earlier or your spouse’s and how you are going to celebrate religious festivals.  

7. Eating habits

Ideally, each one’s food choices need to be respected. You may be a vegetarian or even a vegan but your girl may be a hard-core “animal-lover”. Eating habits may seem trivial, but they can be potential trouble-makers, especially in India, where people are quite sensitive about their faith. Evolving a solution is up to you but better to discuss beforehand.

8. Financial matters

This one is a MUST. You must talk about the money you two will be making and how you will divide the expenses between yourselves. A very common point of contention in a marriage is the priority list of spending. Your partner may be a travel buff and may not mind-blowing up lakhs of rupees on that annual vacation but you may be more of a home-bird. Besides, you also need to talk about investment plans. Trust me, clarity about financial matters levees lesser scope for marital troubles..

9. Past issues

Not everyone may be on the same page on this one. But telling the new partner about your past relationships can be risky as each one has a different thought process. Of course, having clarity beforehand is very important. Moreover, if your partner gets to know about your past from elsewhere, it would create bigger problems. To avoid these possibilities, you can talk about them with your new partner before getting married.

10. Social Media

It may look trivial, but trust me, it deserves to be discussed. Would you be happy to share details of your life on social media? Are there certain things you’d like to keep private? I have seen many marriages break up just on this pretext. So, it’s better to discuss.  

Talking these things out beforehand can help you have a smooth marital ride. In the backdrop of a rising divorce rate in India, it is imperative to discuss all these things before marriage so that you don’t have to deal with misunderstandings and insecurities later.

Popular Queries

Q 1: Is there only one right person for me to marry?

A: Oh, no! Were it the case, people won’t remarry after the death of a spouse.

Q 2: Do I need to feel totally competent as a spouse before I marry?

A: No! You should feel competent to be a spouse, though a little anxiety is okay.

Q 3: Is love a sufficient reason to marry someone?       

A: Absolutely no! Just being attracted to someone and having a passionate feeling of love is NOT reason enough for you to marry that person. Falling in love is easy but leading a life together is a very different ballgame. Several other factors (like those discussed above) are equally important to a happy married life.

Q 4: Does preparing for a marriage happen naturally?   

A: No way! This is the myth of naturalism. In reality, you need to consciously prepare for marriage. It is a learned response, based on acquiring sound information and its assessment.

Q 5: I attach a lot of importance to good human qualities like forgiveness, empathy and kindness. Should I look for these traits in a future spouse?

A: You can try too! Though a matter of fact, finding such a person may take some effort and even if you can find him/ her, the person may lack certain other desirable things. Ultimately, you need to strike a balance as people are not factory-made to order and come in all shapes, sizes and colours.

Q 6: Several of my friends have had terrible marriages and therefore I have become fearful of the idea of marriage itself. Please advise.

A: I can completely understand your predicament. But please don’t let it cloud your judgment. Take your time, know the prospective spouse thoroughly and if you feel like spending the rest of your life with him/ her, do consider it.  After all, despite millions of road accidents happening annually, people haven’t stopped using roads. Good luck!

Parenting, to begin with, has never been an easy task, even in the very best of times. So, one can easily imagine the additional responsibilities and risks it carries when the times are not-so-favourable. Though human parenting across the world has several commonalities – in nurturing, socializing, educating and training in almost all spheres of life, there are considerable differences in parenting techniques among different cultures. For instance, in farm-based cultures, kids are considered more as economic assets rather than emotional objects and are treated like ones.

Similarly, tribal cultures stress individual independence in contrast with non-tribal cultures. Over the past decade, there has been a great interest in the critical importance and impact of different parenting techniques on kids, especially in eastern vs. western cultures. The impact of this difference in parenting styles is most clearly visible in a child’s academic performance, self-confidence, emotional development, behavior, and coping abilities.

A country’s history and culture greatly impact the parenting styles popular therein. For instance, the Chinese culture is largely influenced by the Confucian philosophy of respect for authority, devotion to parents, emotional restraint, and the importance of education. Not surprisingly, Chinese parenting practices emphasize training, governance, and love. Likewise, the ancient Indian Gurukul system, based on respect for authority, also stresses devotion to parents, learning, and education.

However, this is not to downplay the importance of changing times, cultural diffusion, and lateral mobility, which all affect parenting techniques in a major way. For instance, Chinese parents are now becoming less authoritarian and more sensitive to children’s emotions and needs and give them greater independence and autonomy. Similarly, there’s evidence that in recent years, Western parents have begun to have higher expectations of their children in terms of academic achievement, supervise and monitor their activities more closely.

Parenting Styles- The Categories

During parenting counselling, parents need to be explained the different dimensions of parenting styles. Most experts identify three common parenting styles in a parent-child relation relationship:

1. Authoritarian – disciplinarian
2. Permissive – indulgent and
3. Authoritative

to help us understand and improve parenting skills.

Authoritarian parents are disciplinarians to the core and believe in wielding the proverbial stick in the parent-child relation quite often. Thus, punishment is common and communication is mostly one-way: from parents to children. Such a parenting technique uses dictatorial decision-making, with children having no say in important things related to the household.  Typically, the products of such parent-child relationships turn out to be either rebellious or submissive and docile adults and have problems with authority figures in later life.

Conversely, permissive parents in a parent-child relationship are more like friends and their parenting style is liberal. Predictably, such a style leads to an adulthood marked by little respect for rules and discipline and frequent problems with the law…

Authoritative parenting technique, wherein the parents fix boundaries and provide guidance, but also give kids the freedom to decide and learn from mistakes is thought to be the most beneficial for a child’s all-around development.

Indian Parenting Vs. Western Parenting

While Indian parenting technique has traditionally been regarded as ‘authoritarian’, Western parenting technique is believed to be more liberal, ranging between permissive and authoritative styles. Within India’s middle class, authoritarian parenting seems to be quite popular with the parents demanding blood, sweat, and tears from children, especially in the pursuit of academic excellence. The flourishing private coaching schools of Kota which generate Rs.75,000 crore annually are testimony enough to the aggressiveness of Indian parents. Contrarily, such micro-managing of children’s lives is rare in Western cultures, where children don’t have to bear the burden of high parental expectations. Rather, their delicate sensitivities are a topic of national preoccupation.

Most Indian parents aggressively push their children to meet the very high academic expectations they have of them. This authoritarian parenting technique doesn’t always work as every child is gifted with unique talents and aptitudes, and a plain vanilla approach isn’t desirable. The parent’s job is to provide a conducive and positive home environment to let children develop academic and social-emotional skills. Ideally, parenting styles need to be adapted and modified to suit the child’s unique personality.  

Keeping “right” and “wrong” in the parent-child relation aside, we need to understand that each culture is a product of its history and surroundings and secondly, parents are always unquestionably well-intentioned, from their viewpoint, at least. However, we can reflect upon what is desirable and what is not in a parent-child relation, which actions could lead to your child’s happiness, security, and independence, and which ones could make the child stubborn, defensive, and angry.

Let’s dive a bit deeper into both parenting techniques to know what makes them so different.

Indians enjoy the existence of bigger, extended, and joint families. Though joint families are a declining trend, it’s nowhere comparable to what is seen in Western cultures. Extended families help instill a sense of affection and responsibility towards others as children grow up with more than just their parents and learn to adjust to different kinds of behaviors. They learn values from older generations that help build character, kindness, and compassion. The grandparents’ unconditional love is the most valuable gift they get early on. While the trend is on the decline today, Indians still meet their extended family more often as compared to what we see in the West.

Contrarily, in letting kids be on their own and giving them choices, the West is many steps ahead of India. In India, children above 10 and sometimes even 18 are given instructions for little things and decisions made on their behalf. Except for a few, who really support their children’s choices and independence, most parents would like to remote control them, even when they are taking life-changing and personal decisions like career or marriage. Now, this is what we could learn from the west where even a 5-year-old is encouraged to make decisions about day-to-day things e.g. choosing a daily outfit, leisure activity, or preferred food.

However, we find a small percentage of families becoming progressive and treating kids as “individuals’ rather than kids. It’s a welcome transition, which could create a stronger, wiser, and more independent generation. A good parenting must enable a child to make life decisions and also be ready to face their consequences. Tempering the richness of our culture with this change could lead to kids, who are both grounded and free. Ultimately, it’s all about maintaining a reasonable balance in the parent-child relationship.

Indian Parenting –Unique Features

The Indian parent-child relation is marked by many unique features, which may not be found in other cultures, especially the western ones:

1. Discipline

Indian parents emphasize discipline more while western parenting is more liberal. Indian parents try to raise well-mannered and disciplined kids when it comes to academics and that explains why Indian children are getting more career-centric.

Western parents’ liberal style makes them go soft on children and thus when things go wrong, they are more considerate about a kid’s feelings. Often, it results in a careless nature among teenagers, for whom it’s important to foster discipline in life.

2. Kindness and Patience

Indian parents try to teach their kids kindness, compassion, and peaceful co-existence with their surroundings, including people, animals, and nature. Little kids are encouraged to be modest and nice to everything around them, from strangers to the small, stray dog on the street. Indians believe that every living thing on the earth deserves the same amount of respect. And also, never forget to show patience!

3. Good Example

One cannot expect a kid to be kind, respectful, and independent if their parents are rude and irresponsible. That’s why Indian parents try to show them with their own example. Besides, in several families, older generations are quick to teach their grandchildren the right things.

4. Attachment

Well, this one is the clearest marker, if there could be any. Indian mothers believe in attachment parenting and, therefore, try spending every single minute with their newborns. It’s a convenient arrangement- if the baby is anxious, wants to be fed, or needs a diaper change, the problem can be tackled right then. Of course, co-sleeping usually ends by 7 or 8 years of age.

 In contrast, in many Western cultures, parents put their newborns to sleep in separate rooms.

5. Education

Indian parents pay close attention to kids’ academic achievements and would want them to be successful more than anything. So you find strict play-time and study-time rules in Indian households. And kids often realize later the value of such self-discipline fostered early by parents!

6. Spirituality

For many Indians, spirituality is a central aspect of life. It’s what their parents had taught them and what their school had encouraged. Obviously, kids know from a young age about family rituals and explore this side of life. They are taught, mostly, to follow their parents’ religious faith and are made to attend the related ceremonies off and on.

7. Finances

“No, no we don’t need this one. And no, there’s no need for that either.”

The simple logic: Indian parents would like their kids to value money very early on. So pocket money is strictly controlled and the kids know well they can’t splurge on that cool T-shirt. May seem a tough tactic, but it seems to work! Thus, Indian kids grow up knowing they need to work hard for financial independence and stability.

8. Respect for authority

Indian parents try to ensure their kids are respectful. “Answering back” is clearly a no-no for Indian parents. Contrarily, Western parents believe in forging a friendship with their kids, which takes the kids out of the “protective environment” and makes them confide to their parents about many things. This is especially important when the kid is entering a teenage.

Western parents are never seen pressuring them in academics and whole-heartedly accept their kids choosing music, arts, dance, etc as a career.

9. Social Bonding

In India, cultural conformity and family bonds are very strong and deeply rooted. Extended family and even neighbors contribute greatly to raising children. In contrast, it is regarded as interference and infringement of personal space in Western culture. Moreover, it’s quite common for  Indian parents to be actively involved in their children’s lives after their marriage. Indian parents support their children emotionally and financially throughout their lives.

This is quite opposed to the Western culture, wherein kids, once married, are on their own and there is hardly any give-and-take between the two.  

10. Guiding

Western parents are extremely conscious of their words and more often use “love”, “honey” and “sweetheart”.

On the other hand, Indian parents assume their children to be strong enough to bear an occasional bashing.

Striking the Balance

In nutshell, both the Indian and Western parenting styles come with their unique pros and cons. Both styles offer many major benefits but can also give rise to potential problems. The trick lies in deriving benefits from both and avoiding the problems associated with either by finding the sweet spot between them. Both styles are just two paths to the same destination even if they are radically different. So we can’t really say with confidence which one is good or bad. Besides, every child is unique in that certain things work fine for one, which may not be the case with another one.

In the Internet age, when family dynamics are being significantly influenced by social media and technology, parents are adapting elements of different parenting styles and strategies. Besides, globalization and new technologies are influencing cultural values that underlie these parenting styles, and thus, the East and the West are interacting and reshaping each other’s parenting styles.