Marriage is a beautiful relationship but it can be the worst if you choose an unsuitable partner for yourself. Finding a great match for yourself appears like a lot of work. With whom you are going to spend the rest of your life can be a complicated task because it can either make or break you.
Working as a relationship coach, I have been seeing couples suffering in their relationships so I can very well understand the significance of picking the appropriate life partner. As I said several couples visit me for marriage counseling or relationship counseling, and I have noticed that most of the conflicts arise because of a lack of communication and clarity before marriage.
Now the question that arises here is, how to choose the right life partner to evade getting trapped in toxic relationships and avoid future marital problems. Well, I am not saying that you can get the perfect life partner, maybe you get it, or maybe you do not. Because nothing is perfect in this world, however, there are some things you can consider in order to get the right partner and spend your life happily.
How to choose a suitable life partner? What should you look for in a relationship? What to expect from a relationship? What factors should you consider while choosing your partner?
Recollecting my experience and what I have seen and observed, I have listed below some aspects that you should address while choosing a fitted life partner for yourself. Make sure you give complete attention to each factor mentioned below and trust me your dream relationship will soon be real.
The Reason For Getting Married
The first thing you need to know about yourself and the person that you decided to get married to? Are you marrying after watching your friends doing so, due to parental pressure, or societal pressures, or are you ready to share your life with someone? Whatever the reason is, give it a thought.
If you are just getting married because your parents want to or society believes that your age is running, maybe you will not be able to give your 100% to this marriage. If the other person is and you are getting married because you want to share smaller aspects of your life with someone without anybody’s pressure or approval, only then you will be able to enjoy this relationship.
Be sure about the reason for marriage and then decide carefully.
Importance Of The Career
Career matters for almost everyone because you put a lot of effort into establishing your career. There are also a few people for whom their job is just a job but for most, it is the purpose of their life and the source of identity. Be very clear about it. Let the other person know about your career preferences.
In marriage, there may be various steps and situations ahead. So make sure you and the other person are clear about your careers, working hours, work environments, locations, etc. If your career demands do not match or you could not negotiate with them, you should give it a second thought.
For example, the girl is working in Delhi and the boy is working in some other state that is quite far from Delhi and both do not want to move their careers. Either they should be ready to negotiate willingly or should not get married. I personally believe that even if they get married, in future they may not be able to give time to each other and at some point, that situation may become worse. So it’s better to decide wisely.
Marriage problems begin when you are unable to create a work-life balance resulting in trust issues and insecurities and fights. It is better to know about these things before marriage because after marriage these factors will only contribute to conflicts.
Thoughts And Plans About Having Children
Just like societal and parental pressure for marriage, there is another pressure of having children as soon as you get married. So let me tell you one thing, these pressures are never-ending. It is extremely important to discuss with your partner about having children. Whether you want children or not, when you want to have children, how many children you want to have, and who will take care of the kids if you both are working, etc.
If both partners have exactly different opinions about having kids, it can lead to future consequences. So it’s better to be clear and prepared before marriage. For example, you (the girl) want to have kids after two years of marriage but the other person does not want to have kids. If you both get married, in the future when you will have kids, you may have to take care of them single-handedly because your partner may say that you wanted the kids not him.
Financial Matters And Preferences
Financial matters are among the most prominent contributors to marital disputes. So I suggest you must talk about your financial preferences before you get married. Discuss about the money you both will be earning, the level of your personal expenses and how you will divide monthly expenses and savings, etc.
A common dispute in marriages is the list of spending. For example, you are more like a home world, who likes to spend holidays at home without spending a lot while the other person is a travel freak who spends huge amounts of vacations and other stuff. These things should be cleared before marriage. Also about the investment plans. Trust me if you both are clear about your financial matters, there are lesser chances of troubles in your relationship.
Past Issues And Relationships
I have seen some marriages being on the radar of separation and divorce because of past issues. A couple was about to get divorced because the wife came to know about her husband’s past relationship. She was disappointed and broken because when she asked him before marriage he did not tell her and later someone else told her about the matter.
When they came to me, I made them understand that not everyone can be on the same page. The husband’s point was that he did not want to take the risk of telling the truth because he had broken up with his past. After a few counseling sessions, they both were able to understand each other’s point.
I know telling your partner to be about your past relationships or other issues can be tricky because every person holds a different thought system. However, having a clear picture of your past is important for both the people involved in a relationship. I know it could be difficult or heartbreaking but if they know from someone else trust me it could be even worse.
Make sure you talk about and ask about past issues and relationships before getting married and make a decision after comprehending each other’s opinions.
Social Media Existence And Addiction
It may seem funny but believe me, it needs to be discussed with your partner to be. Social media is an important part of life for most people so social media addiction too. But still, some people don’t like to share their lives on social media or are not so interested in it.
For example, you are a social media freak and you share all your life on social media. Ask the other person if he or she would be happy with this. If the answer is no. Are any of you ready to compromise? You need to address this factor because, in the future, the same social media and the habit of sharing your personal life over there can arise as a bigger problem.
Adjustments To Each Other’s Family
Our families matter to us. Right. Families shape the way we think, behave and perform throughout our lives. Being clear about how you expect your partner to be to fit into your family dynamics is a must. Marriage is not just about two individuals but two families are involved in it.
It is highly essential to maintain mutual respect for each other’s families and be willing to negotiate on necessary aspects to get along with all the family members. However not every person is the same. Some girls are not willing to stay with their partner’s family and some are ok with that. Some boys do not prefer staying with their partner’s parents while some are ok with that.
For example, some boys want to keep their parents with them and expect their partners to take care of their parents and adjust consequently. While some boys are living away from their parents so expect their partner to stay with them as a nuclear family and visit their parents frequently. So you need to be clear about these things and move ahead only if you are willing to adjust accordingly.
So every person has various expectations from their partners in terms of their respective families. Ask each other about the same and then decide.
Existing Bad Habits Such As Alcohol Or Gambling
You should know if your partner-to-be is having any bad habits such as alcohol, gambling, smoking, or drug addiction before marriage because after marriage there is no point in an argument.
These habits tremendously affect your relationship negatively. If the other person is having these kinds of habits and you do not expect a life partner to have any bad habits, you should not marry the person.
Do not plunge into a marriage with a thought or overconfidence that after marriage you will convince your partner to eliminate these habits or that your love and warmth will change that person once you get married. That could be a possibility but not a security. I am not saying it could never happen but generally, it doesn’t happen.
Despite fighting over these bad habits or getting divorced because of alcohol additions or anything like that it is much better to know about these factors before marriage.
Looks And Physical Appearance Are Not Enough
I have heard many youngsters saying that my life partner should be beautiful, good-looking, handsome, etc. Many times people fall for looks and overlook the realistic factors that actually matter in a marriage. Don’t misunderstand me, I am not saying that you should not expect a good-looking life partner, however, you should consider realistic qualities over physical appearance.
You must have heard the line, “Not all glitters are gold”. Exactly. There is no point in marrying the prettiest girl or the most dashing boy if they indulge in voice bashing. In addition to looks, also look for compatibility, similarities, dissimilarities, ideologies, mental wavelength, etc.
Spend More Time With The Person To Know Them Better
Marriage is a lifelong decision so do not decide in a hurry or under any kind of pressure. Take enough time to choose a suitable partner and spend time with them so that you can understand them and know them better. Take your time to be clear and confident about your expectations and their expectations.
Spending time also allows you to know about each other’s behavior, attitude, likes, dislikes, interests, and much more. So do not rush while choosing your life partner, have patience, you’re your time, and choose wisely considering your priorities.
Express Your Life Objectives Truly
Life partners should be on the same page while making major life decisions. Even if your relationship is very good, disagreements or arguments about major aspects of your life can spoil the whole thing. While looking for the right life partner, be very honest and open about your life goals. Lying to each other or hiding things can cause future consequences.
I suggest you express the goals of your life and be transparent about your expectations and objectives. To help you out with that, here are a few things you should clearly express to your partner in order to prevent marriage problems.
Where do you want to live after marriage?
Do you want to have children or when do you want to have them?
Do you want to manage a home or pursue your career or both?
What kind of lifestyle do you expect post-marriage?
What are your priorities in life?
Pre-marriage counseling is a great way to find the best match for you. Earlier, it was not that prominent in India but now people are realizing the importance of pre-marital counseling as separations and divorces are becoming common.
Being a relationship counselor I meet several couples who are struggling to sustain their relationships. I consider pre-marriage counseling a welcome trend as it can safeguard you from the toxicity you may experience later. So you can also visit a counselor to help you marry the right person.
The marriage decision should not be taken under any kind of pressure. It should be your own choice when you want to get married and with whom you want to get married. I have enlisted all the important factors that you should consider while choosing the right life partner. I do not suggest running for perfection or looking for a perfect person but for the right person.