Hi everyone. Today, I want to talk about something that’s deeply ingrained in all of us, something we’ve seen and heard for as long as we can remember. It’s the simple, yet profound, idea of who we are supposed to be based on our gender.
We’ve all heard the sayings: “Boys wear this shirt,” “Girls do that.” Girls are supposed to be soft, nurturing, and take care of the house. They must cook and have children, so what’s the point of a good education? Boys, on the other hand, are expected to be strong, fearless, and the sole breadwinners of their families. As an online life coach, I see these deeply held beliefs impacting people’s lives every single day.
Beyond the Binary: Embracing Our Shared Humanity
We are so conditioned to these two narrow roles that we often fail to recognize the rich diversity of human experience. We have so many other genders, yet we don’t understand them. Homosexual, asexual, transgender—these identities are often met with judgment and cruel names. “Butch,” “chakka,” “Barbie doll.” We have a whole vocabulary for belittling anyone who steps outside the line we’ve drawn.
Where do people who feel differently go? I believe they lead lives filled with fear. They can’t share their true selves with their parents, their friends, or their partners. They are terrified, as if they’ve committed a crime simply by being who they are. It’s crucial that we, as a society, learn to understand and respect everyone’s feelings. At our core, we are all human beings.
So many young men come to me, and as they share their stories, I am truly shaken by the struggles they’ve silently endured. They couldn’t share these feelings with anyone. We must understand that we all have emotions, problems, strengths, weaknesses, and vulnerabilities—regardless of our gender. Girls can be incredibly strong, and boys can be incredibly sensitive. We are all human beings.
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The Construct of Gender Roles: How Society Shapes Our Thinking
Where did this rigid system of gender roles come from? It’s not something innate; it’s something we’ve created culturally over the past 2,000 years. Our thinking has been shaped by the songs, movies, and societal norms we’ve consumed. Remember the Bollywood song, “You are the sand of the moon and I am the dust of the earth”? These subtle messages reinforce the idea of one gender being superior to the other.
I once conducted a simple experiment. I asked a group of men and women a hypothetical question: “If you woke up tomorrow and were suddenly the opposite gender, what would be the first thought to cross your mind?”
The women’s answers were fascinating. “I wouldn’t have to wax anymore,” one said. “It would take me less time to get ready.” Others mentioned career advantages: “My career can be great now because I won’t have to quit my job when I get married or have kids. I’ll get a good salary.” The men’s answers were equally telling. “Now we can sit on the train without feeling guilty,” one man said.
Another worried, “I’ll get a lower salary. There will be more job opportunities for girls, but the salary will be low.” They worried about needing more time to get ready, having bigger wardrobes, being judged for their weight, or not being able to have a guilt-free outing on a Saturday night.
What changed? Nothing at all, except for a single thought. Just the idea of being the opposite gender completely altered their perception of their daily lives. You are the same person. Why do girls have to wax? Why can’t they go out without makeup or dressing up like boys? Why do they get paid less?
My daughter, a doctor, once pointed out a form for a high-level government institution where a man was addressed as “Dr. Mr. So-and-so,” but a woman was addressed as “Dr. Miss So-and-so.” Why are there so many distinctions in our society? We have created this world, and we are actively encouraging it with every statement and action.
When a boy or a man comes home from work, we instinctively tell a girl in the house, “He’s tired. Get him some water.” But when a girl comes home from work, have you ever heard someone tell a boy to get his sister a glass of water? These seemingly small actions perpetuate inequality. I’m not a feminist who believes women should dominate.
In 2019, I spoke at a college and asked a group of girls to draw what they wanted the world to look like by 2030. One team wrote that they wanted women to dominate society. I was saddened. Why would we want a society where anyone dominates another, whether it’s men or women? We should be striving for an ideal society where everyone is respected.
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Beyond Traditional Gender Roles: Unlocking Potential and Happiness
In my own business, when I wanted to hire a female HR manager, everyone had doubts. They said, “The labor force is all men. A man would be better at handling them.” I simply laughed and reminded them, “Our managing director is a woman. If she can run the entire factory, why can’t a woman handle the HR department?” These restrictive, limiting beliefs are heartbreaking. They hold back careers, happiness, and self-esteem.
And what about the pressure on boys? The expectation that they must be strong and muscular leads them to take steroids, drugs, and protein supplements to build their bodies by any means necessary. They become suicidal when they can’t express their feelings. As a life coach, I talk to young boys who are suffering in silence. This system hurts everyone.
We talk a lot about patriarchy and feminism. While feminism aims for equality, patriarchy—and the inflated masculinity it encourages—is what’s truly spoiling our society. We’ve inflated the male ego so much that now, some girls feel they must be aggressive to counter it. This imbalance is getting worse every day, and everyone suffers.
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Who says girls don’t have logic or boys don’t have emotions? We have been conditioned for centuries to believe these falsehoods. This conditioning makes boys feel they must behave in a certain way, and girls feel they must behave in another.
We’ve been told that boys can only focus on one thing at a time, while girls can multitask. This is a myth. Look at how a man running a business handles purchasing, marketing, HR, and finance all at once. They do it because they’ve been taught that their careers are their sole responsibility.
Likewise, girls have been told they must be nurturers and take care of everything—the house, the kids, and their careers. So they do it, and they do it well. In the US, I’ve seen my daughter’s male friends cook, clean, and excel in their jobs. They can focus on more than one thing because they haven’t been constrained by these old notions. We have created this chain reaction, and it keeps multiplying because we continue to believe in it.
The Power of Equality: Raising Children and Building a Better World
I have faced these biases myself. After I lost my husband, many people came to me and said, “Your life is over now. What will you do? You are helpless.” Some even said, “If you had a son, he would have taken care of you.” Do you think my daughters are any less responsible? My daughters are just as capable. We need to treat our sons and daughters equally. We need to be careful with every single word we say to them.
In my office, an officer once told me he needed to “meet the madam.” I corrected him and said, “Meet the managing director, not the lady.” This is the core of it. I’m not for men or women; I am for human beings. We are all humans. Let’s respect each other. Let’s treat everyone with dignity and create a wonderful society for all. Let’s build a better world to live in.
Remember, as a life coach specializing in marriage counselling and personal growth, I believe in the power of respect and understanding. If you or your partner are struggling with these issues, an online life coach can provide guidance and support to help you build a healthier, more equitable relationship and a happier life.
